Friday, April 26, 2013

Hashtags of life

Dear #Hashtag,
#It #seems #like #every #time #I #get #online #weather #it #be #Facebook #or #Instagram #or #Twitter #all #I #see #is #something #that #annoys #me #more #than #having #only #99 #cents #in #my #pocket #and #not #a #credit #card #in #site #on #a #buck #night…..#It #is #the #prevalent #amount #of #you #Hashtag #that #has #taken #over #the #dialect #of #our #society.  #Why #is #it #that #every #time #someone #washes #their #dog, #goes #to #the #bathroom, #does #laundry, #etc. #I #have #to #have #you #come #back #into #my #life #like #a #photo #taking #at #the #frat #house #when #I #still #thought #the #best #way #to #impress #the #ladies #was #to #beer #bong #Jaeger #followed #by #a #chaser #of #what #we #in #Chico #call #a #craft #beer #the #ever #tasty #Keystone #Light #that #surfaces #right #before #that #long #overdue #run #for #Congress. #Do #you #think #that #someone #is #just #waiting #around #eagerly #anticipating #to #type #”idiot” #in #their #search #bar #so #they #can #see #what #you #did #on #a #Wednesday #at #work #instead #of #doing #what #you #are #actually #paid #to #do? #Call #me #old #fashion #but #if #I #want #the #world #to #know #what #I #am #currently #doing #I’m #liquidating #my #limited #assets #buying #a #brick #of Columbia’s #finest #and #inviting #Charlie #Sheen, #Lindsey #Lohan #and #TMZ #to #the #finest #strip #club #for #a #4 #day #bender #and #yes #you #guessed #it #all #of #you #are #invited. #In #fact #I’ve #used #so #many #hastags #I’ve #hit #the #max #on #this #rant #but #I #still #come #up #at #least #a #half #dozen #hashtags #short #of #someone’s #everyday #post #after #I #quote, “#killing #it” #at #the #gym #for #20 #minutes #on #a #Friday.  #I’m #currently #going #to #go #outside #and #enjoy #some #sun #and #dirt, #I #know #that #hashtags #won’t #dare #show #up #there……..#marcusmonroegrowsthebestricein3countieswiththe4thpending J#########
 PS. Happy Friday peeps, you guys are the best and to those of you in attendance keep those pics coming from Stagecoach; they are much appreciated from this rice famer who is trying to keep those sushi joints well stocked with that California Rice you all love and remember…..A wise girl told me it’s better to be a week early than a week late; that my friend’s is the marrying type

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Stereotyping extremists

Dear Muslim Faith and Followers,
The problem with society is that we have gotten weak. When we have strong thoughts about something we don’t want to say it for fear of being judged or the repercussions that may follow. Lucky for you guys and the sake of this column I’ve never fallen under either category. Last week we once again were hit by terror on American soil and even though the loss of life and injury were far less than 9/11 the security blanket that we live in was interrupted once again. These acts of terror along with numerous others like them on American interests on foreign soil since that fateful September morning in New York all have one common thread….Muslim extremists.  Now I’m not a scholar when it comes to religion but I’ve never heard anyone utter the term “extreme Catholic” or “extreme Sikh” or “extreme Mormon” at any point in my life.  After any incident around the world that involves the death of innocent people in the name of Allah the media condones the public for saying that you are a religion based on hate.  If you aren’t a religion based on hate then your leaders around the world need to step up and denounce these heinous crimes against innocent people and seek out and make an example of the quote “extremists” until they cease to think that a bomb strapped to your body is appropriate casual Friday attire. Now I know some of you are going to the think that I am just another profiling, racist with a quick wit and a disposition for beautiful blondes and great vodka but if white rice farmers with charming personalities and a penchant for a stiff drink and good times were constantly trying to maim, murder and entrap the world through terror than profile away and wipe us off the planet and people who know me know that the only thing I discriminate against is rain in May and an increase in the cost of my favorite cocktail at any number of local libation destinations. Don’t say that my logic towards this issue can be used in the same content as the Greek System at Chico State. No guy in a bro tank and unkept hair or a girl in a dress that defies gravity on buck night has ever tried to bring harm to anyone but themselves. When foreign interests try to bring harm to our country and our people I don’t care what color, race, religion or type of beer you drink like Boston showed we will get wicked on you. Muslim’s, the ball is in your court so step up your game and change the thoughts of the many before the rest of the 5.4 billion of us on the planet start thinking like the few….I’ll accept that Pulitzer now.

PS. Happy hump day peeps, the wind has finally stopped blowing and the sun is shining. Wishing I was headed to Stagecoach like some of you out there but this rice gig always seems to get in the way this time of year have fun and send pics and remember……Every hedge is a maze when you’ve been drinking.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Cheers Boston

Dear Terrorists,
I hope you enjoyed Boston’s game plan on dealing with extremists who are hell bent on bringing harm to the United States. Defense wins titles and it doesn’t get any better than shutting down an entire city to hunt you down and bring true justice for the atrocities that you have committed.  One down and one to go Boston and then you can raise another banner in the rafters for showing the world you are the champions of doing terror right. Merica.
PS. Short, sweet and to the point today peeps, you guys are what keeps me writing and remember….Cheers Beantown; Jack Bauer couldn’t have done it better.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Put down the cupcake Kim

Dear Kim Kardashian,
As I waited in line at my local supermarket trying to avoid the temptation of asking the lady in front of me with 3 kids and paying with a food stamps why she felt the need to buy rib eye’s on the California’s workforce dollar while I chose to sustain myself for the coming week by splurging on the paleo friendly choices of bacon, eggs and that special treat from the Salinas Valley that we call spinach. I glanced to the side and to my surprise I noticed that instead of the trash papers and magazines you usually see on the rack in the checkout line this particular store looked like they had churched it up a bit by adding National Geographic’s to the portfolio. As I peered closer at the issue wanting to learn more about the majestic creature that is the killer whale on the cover to my shock it was you!!! Let’s be honest, with all your wealth and fame accumulated through the simple fact that you let a talentless rapper use you as an amusement park for 20 minutes on YouTube that you would have the means to not look like the dark horse contender on Celebrity Biggest Loser and please don’t use the excuse that you are pregnant because the mother mentioned previously was also and by no means looked like they were auditioning as jabba the huts stunt double in the latest Star Wars flick.  Now I know you may still be bitter at me for attending my cousins nuptials the same weekend as your in Santa Barbara but I was just going with the odds that theirs was going to last longer than a teenage boys first look at a Playboy and please don’t tell me that this is a ploy to keep yours and your family’s 15 minutes of fame rolling and prolonging poor Bruce Jenner’s life by landing a new show or endorsement deal. E Entertainment already has their programming locked in with Kardashian TV and the dude from Subway and Kristi Alley have a strangle hold on the “fat to fit” infomercial craze.  I’m going to give you a little advice coming from someone who has seen an extra lb. in his life….For the sake of Kanye’s baby eat right, exercise, and stop getting angry every time the paparazzi snaps a pic of you throwing down another cheeseburger and washing it down with a cupcake.  Mix in a salad and a walk that’s longer than the bed to the video camera and I think that it will benefit us all and if you need some help Jillian Michel’s is a phone call away and once that baby pops out she will have you back in shape faster than you can say 72 days and a pre-nup. If Kanye decides to leave you like every other entertainer and athlete previously who knows, maybe I can interest you in a farmer with a great rap and a charming demeanor a penchant for the spotlight, we may just have the next big hit on cable but remember….I ain’t saying I’m a gold digger.
PS. Happy Friday peeps and the weekend is upon us, enjoy the sun this weekend with an ice cold beer or beverage in hand  and if you see a farmer give them a hug, it would be much appreciated and remember….Life is filled with cocktails and endless possibilities.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Nashville you give country music a bad name

Dear Country Music,
Laying around Sunday evening contemplating the results of my latest experiment from a fun filled weekend which I will dub “The correlation between dementia and numerous shots of Fireball” and always being the curious type I added another wrinkle to the equation by transforming both Saturday and Sunday into what we in Chico like to call “Fundays”.  The results were mixed in that I both had the time of my life but also may have lost 5 years off of that same life. Deciding that I needed an outlet from my most recent experimentation I turned on the TV and witnessed the spectacle that is the American Country Music Awards.  After 3 hours of nonsense I realized a few things. First, what you define on the radio and the performances on the show are about as country as the current president with a shotgun in his hand. I know Blake Shelton kept repeating over and over that the days of “bubble gum pop country” are gone but then in the same breath you parade male singer after male singer in skinny jeans, leather bracelets and v-necks on stage like I’m stuck at a boy band concert not named O-Town.  Secondly at no point ever should a man in a cowboy hat that looks like it was picked from the discount rack at the finest Sunday flea market in Rosarita be singing a duet with a man from Harlem who’s previous claim to fame was dropping base lines about going back to Cali…..I don’t think so. To add to this point country and rap should never cross musical path ever just as Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan should never be left alone with a large sum of money in Columbia. All bad things come from this. I love me some country music and some rap just like I love strip clubs and my parents but putting either of those two things together are horrible ideas.  My third point about your current state of music is that the famous phrase “we are doomed to repeat ourselves” would be the best thing that happened to your current genre of music. Seeing two legends join the stage together in George Strait and Garth Brooks brought a smile to my face and for a moment reminded me of what good country use to sound like minus Chris Gaines hideous shirts.  Give me a black hat, guitar, a story and a little bit of twang and I will show you a country who wants to turn the radio up and ask for more.  So Country Music I ask that you please take my suggestions under consideration and know that the likes of Reckless Kelly, Ryan Bingham, The Turnpike Troubadours, etc. are here to remind Nashville that real country music is alive and well.
PS. Happy Hump Day peeps, it finally looks like spring is here with the warm weather and sunshine. Enjoy your day and put a smile on someone’s face when they least expect it, it will make there day, I know I’m smiling and remember……Monday’s are a terrible way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Welcome to the party North Korea

Dear North Korea,
For years you have been like that crazy uncle that everyone has in their family. You know the one who gets all mollared up on cheap brandy and eggnog or in some of our cases here in the north state one too many ice cold Budweiser’s at Christmas and decides it’s a great idea to drop F-bombs at the kids table or that he should be the one to carve the turkey or ham and ends up with one less digit on his hand every year till mittens replace gloves as a winter accessory. We laugh as you continue to march out one leader after another who look like they were Jim Henson’s 1st draft on the Muppet’s concept more than the leader of a 3rd world country with human rights standards that make Hitler look like Mother Teresa.  We have dealt with your shenanigans knowing that your big brother China patiently watches over you and slaps you on the head when you get out of line while trying to play with the big kids all the while knowing that one day there would come a point where you crossed the line and it would be time for that oh so important lesson known as playground justice. Your recent actions with threats of war against the United States and our allies have shown us and the rest of the world that you still have not learned anything from your older sibling and it’s time to learn one of life’s little lessons. Since your leader who I still think was the inspiration for that great relic of the 80’s the troll doll is keen on American customs and shares a love for our national pastime let me break it down to you in baseball terms; you are a Justin Verlander World Series fastball and we are the Panda. We carry a big stick and will crush whatever you offer up.  It doesn’t get any more real than that. So I am asking you one last time that if you know what’s good for you that you will take your ball and go home before we decide to make your country the 51st state in our great nation…..Play ball!
PS. Happy Friday peeps the weekend is here so lift an ice cold glass of your favorite beverage and enjoy it. It’s going to be a good one so throw some magic Barry Zito’s way as my boy makes use of that bender that is prettier than a rainbow after a spring rain to mow down the Cards today and remember…..You can’t buy happiness but you can buy vodka and that’s kind of the same thing.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Mudrucking on the local level

Dear Chico News & Review,
I have to hand it to you, over the years you have written many scathing reports concerning the Chico bar scene, the Greek System and the alleged drinking problems that are associated with these entities but your latest cover story “A Perfect Storm” may be your finest example of why your paper belongs with others like it on the rack next to “Obama is good for our country” or “Southern rice is better than California rice” and other sensationalized headlines in papers at your local grocery store.  After reading your article I realized 3 things: first, I along with most of the general population are binge drinkers even though I have never called vodka “Chico water” like you so persuasively put it. Secondly, every person who can claim to be a Wildcat Alumni was deeply influenced by a school event that happened when neon was chic and Budweiser was using a dog much cooler than me to sell its wares and lastly I have been missing out on the holiday known as Caesar Chavez Day. CNR you along with President Zingg’s continued assault on the Greek Community are tired and to call fraternities “drinking clubs” is slander also to drop statistics and what you perceived as a study without quoting the source once again proves how bush league your paper has become.  I also love the irony of you in bashing the bars of our great town. Those same drinking establishments are the ones that fund your propaganda filled fish rag.  In your attack on the bar scene and alleged drinking issues in Chico I counted 9 advertisements having to do with alcohol. Let’s see, it’s good enough to pay you numerous dollars to fund your liberal leaning paper that you put in every bar and restaurant in this town but it’s not good enough for the patrons of these same establishments?  Did you steal the blueprint for your business from the desktops of the current administration in Washington?  Here’s some free advise; you could have saved numerous trees and the 10 minutes that people will never get back in their lives for reading the propaganda that you call journalism by just simply quoting the sorority girl that asked to remain nameless for the article…..”Take ownership. Stop blaming bars and drink specials”.  These 8 simple words so eloquently uttered by someone who may or may not have just finished a five fireball appetizer can be applied to everything we do in life, so let me repeat that again….TAKE OWNERSHIP AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF!  It’s not fraternities, booze and bars causing problems its people who were not taught right from wrong by their parents growing up. CNR, I think I just gave you your next big story.

Happy hump day peeps on this cloudy afternoon and remember….Don’t forget about Christmas, your significant others birthday, 9/11, the Alamo and Dre.