Welcome to the party North Korea

Dear North Korea,

For years you have been like that crazy uncle that everyone has in their family. You know the one who gets all mollared up on cheap brandy and eggnog or in some of our cases here in the north state one too many ice cold Budweiser’s at Christmas and decides it’s a great idea to drop F-bombs at the kids table or that he should be the one to carve the turkey or ham and ends up with one less digit on his hand every year till mittens replace gloves as a winter accessory. We laugh as you continue to march out one leader after another who look like they were Jim Henson’s 1^st draft on the Muppet’s concept more than the leader of a 3^rd world country with human rights standards that make Hitler look like Mother Teresa.  We have dealt with your shenanigans knowing that your big brother China patiently watches over you and slaps you on the head when you get out of line while trying to play with the big kids all the while knowing that one day there would come a point where you crossed the line and it would be time for that oh so important lesson known as playground justice. Your recent actions with threats of war against the United States and our allies have shown us and the rest of the world that you still have not learned anything from your older sibling and it’s time to learn one of life’s little lessons. Since your leader who I still think was the inspiration for that great relic of the 80’s the troll doll is keen on American customs and shares a love for our national pastime let me break it down to you in baseball terms; you are a Justin Verlander World Series fastball and we are the Panda. We carry a big stick and will crush whatever you offer up.  It doesn’t get any more real than that. So I am asking you one last time that if you know what’s good for you that you will take your ball and go home before we decide to make your country the 51^st state in our great nation…..Play ball!

PS. Happy Friday peeps the weekend is here so lift an ice cold glass of your favorite beverage and enjoy it. It’s going to be a good one so throw some magic Barry Zito’s way as my boy makes use of that bender that is prettier than a rainbow after a spring rain to mow down the Cards today and remember…..You can’t buy happiness but you can buy vodka and that’s kind of the same thing.

Mudrucking on the local level

Dear Chico News & Review,

I have to hand it to you, over the years you have written many scathing reports concerning the Chico bar scene, the Greek System and the alleged drinking problems that are associated with these entities but your latest cover story “A Perfect Storm” may be your finest example of why your paper belongs with others like it on the rack next to “Obama is good for our country” or “Southern rice is better than California rice” and other sensationalized headlines in papers at your local grocery store.  After reading your article I realized 3 things: first, I along with most of the general population are binge drinkers even though I have never called vodka “Chico water” like you so persuasively put it. Secondly, every person who can claim to be a Wildcat Alumni was deeply influenced by a school event that happened when neon was chic and Budweiser was using a dog much cooler than me to sell its wares and lastly I have been missing out on the holiday known as Caesar Chavez Day. CNR you along with President Zingg’s continued assault on the Greek Community are tired and to call fraternities “drinking clubs” is slander also to drop statistics and what you perceived as a study without quoting the source once again proves how bush league your paper has become.  I also love the irony of you in bashing the bars of our great town. Those same drinking establishments are the ones that fund your propaganda filled fish rag.  In your attack on the bar scene and alleged drinking issues in Chico I counted 9 advertisements having to do with alcohol. Let’s see, it’s good enough to pay you numerous dollars to fund your liberal leaning paper that you put in every bar and restaurant in this town but it’s not good enough for the patrons of these same establishments?  Did you steal the blueprint for your business from the desktops of the current administration in Washington?  Here’s some free advise; you could have saved numerous trees and the 10 minutes that people will never get back in their lives for reading the propaganda that you call journalism by just simply quoting the sorority girl that asked to remain nameless for the article…..”Take ownership. Stop blaming bars and drink specials”.  These 8 simple words so eloquently uttered by someone who may or may not have just finished a five fireball appetizer can be applied to everything we do in life, so let me repeat that again….TAKE OWNERSHIP AND RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF!  It’s not fraternities, booze and bars causing problems its people who were not taught right from wrong by their parents growing up. CNR, I think I just gave you your next big story.

Happy hump day peeps on this cloudy afternoon and remember….Don’t forget about Christmas, your significant others birthday, 9/11, the Alamo and Dre.

Rain and myself...The breakup

Dear Rain,

As a farmer I know I have a love/hate relationship with you depending on what time of year it is. After calling you several times and sending you numerous texts from January to February I finally got the hint that you were finally through with me but alas just as I begin getting comfortable with my current love sunshine and spring you have to storm back into my life like a jilted Taylor Swift love song and try to bring me down. Listen, I did love you at one point and time, we had so much fun as you poured precious drops into our reservoirs while I smiled like Charlie Sheen on $1 lap dance night at the local strip club knowing that you were not going to leave me or when you kept a constant layer of fresh powder in the mountains so we could be together weather it was on skis or a sled but now after not hearing from you for so long you are as welcome as open body sores before a clothing optional date with Kate Upton.  I just want to reiterate to you that we are through but never wanting to burn bridges if things don’t work out with spring and the sunshine then who knows…..Maybe we can get back together again. This break will be good for us both, I mean you can see what’s out there in other states and countries that grow medium grain rice and stay with them and maybe you may enjoy what they have to offer and it will allow me and sunshine to see if we are really meant to be and if it doesn’t work out for the both of us I got your number and like CRJ says I’ll call you maybe…..

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this Easter weekend, enjoy a cocktail some egg hunting and through God a curve by showing up to church with the family on Sunday and remember……Cadbury eggs do not come from cage free bunnies.

Voting your way to marriage

Dear Supreme Court Protesters,

Most of you know that I being the quiet and reserved type I tend to never lend my opinion on issues that are deemed so hot buttoned that it would ruin the political aspirations I have said no one ever.  As most of you scream, holler and scamper your way on TV to state your point about Prop. 8 what is lost in the whole argument is that this law was established by the vote of the people of California and not enacted by local or state government.  Let me repeat that for all of you…It was put into place by the majority vote of the people of our great state. If this logic that you are using holds true where the popular vote does not count anymore in our nation then I want hearings next week to repeal barry from the highest office in the land and to completely revamp Senate and Congress. Listen, I support any kind of marriage because that just means more opportunity for free cocktails and mic dropping speeches along with the possibility of a bridesmaid becoming the future Mrs. Monroe. I don’t care if you’re a man and a woman or man and a man or women and a women or dog and cat if you love someone that is all that matters.  Contrary to popular belief you do not need a piece of paper and the government’s approval to let someone know you love them and with the way the sanctimony of marriage is treated in this day and age it basically amounts to a generous tax break and the distinct possibility of splitting up your assets and children’s home life in a few years. Whatever side you are on when it comes to the marriage issue it is appalling to me to compare Prop. 8 to the plight of blacks at the turn on the century or Jews during World War II, at no time did anyone hang you for the color of your skin or burned you and your family for who you prayed to. So I have a plan for you that most people in this great nation that we call the United State do when we want change…VOTE. If you think something is unconstitutional get out and November and cast your ballot and if enough people believe in your cause or ideas it will happen, it is one of the principles that we were founded on and still value to this day.

PS. Happy hump day peeps so give a hug to whomever or whatever you love and remember……The next time you are chopping lettuce to cry, it will make onions feel much better about themselves.

Life, liberty and Rand Paul

Dear Rand Paul,

I would like to take this day to salute you. You are the new hybrid that our founding fathers had in mind when they created this great nation that we all call home. You are neither democrat nor republican or even independent, you are America. You share the views of the majority of the working class of this country and when I say this it includes the rich to the poor, the key word is “working”. Rand people say your old man is just a tad bit on the crazy side with his ideas, I say they are scared because he is just another old white guy with progressive ideas that are game changers, you are the man that can bridge that gap between “crazy” and “game changer”. The Republican Party is in at a turning point in their existence and without drastic change they will fail.  For years they have marched out the same old white guy with a tired agenda touting how he can fix everything with the same methods that failed the previous shuffle board playing blue hair trying to figure out why Florida looks a lot like DC while liberals sit back and laugh while enjoying yet another tofu and solar sandwich in their chaffered electric car which was paid for with taxpayer dollars enjoying the fact that you will forever be stuck in neutral while they lap you faster than Ricky Bobby can say shake-n-bake.  Well here is a little warning to those people who previously called campuses such as Berkley home….Rand Paul, Bobby Jindal, Marco Rubio, etc. (I’m still just humble enough to not add my name to the list quite yet) are the new rock stars on the block and they are just what this great nation needs to bring itself from the brink that we are teetering on and move us forward and continue to claim our spot at the top of the medal stand.  Keep up the good fight Rand and if you need anyone to tap in for you on another marathon session on the floor give me a call, I’ll be your wingman anytime.

PS. Happy Friday peeps and the weather is looking sunny and warm for the weekend so enjoy it with a cocktail on the porch swing or wherever you may be and remember……If your aunt had nuts she would be your uncle.

Locals are the life blood of our region

Dear Glenn County Board of Supervisors,

I was very proud of you last year when you stood up against the liberal side of the river and voted down a ban of alcohol on the Sacramento River on the local holiday that we call Labor Day. But alas you have now taken a page out of the Bloomberg playbook and decided that government knows what is best for us the people. As a formal reveler in this beer drinking shenanigans of a weekend I do know that some people tend to overindulge themselves and some ladies reminded me that God will indeed bless me with daughters when I decide to procreate. The problem does not for the most part lie in the student or local population that partakes in this weekend and many other weekends on the river or on the town in our great region the issue revolves around outsiders and those who lack common sense.  The tragedy that occurred on the river last Labor Day that triggered the uproar among local politicians was a sad reminder of this. Yes, the kid from Cal Poly did have booze in his system but was also hopped up on cocaine and left by his so called friends the day he drowned. Let’s see here Alex I will take the cause of most of Chico’s problems for a $1,000...The answer is; “Non local, drugs and lack of common sense and responsibility”, you are correct! Chico State students and people who call this area home have never been the problem, yes we do like to have fun but we use common sense and have pride in our community in doing so. Stop blaming the people who make Chico what it is and start addressing the problems that have always and will continue to be the issue, we don’t need a mother we need leadership.

PS.  Happy hump day peeps and although the rains has dampened this farmer’s day make the most out of this first day of spring and remember…..What you do when you are blacked out drunk is none of your business.

My campaign to become Pope

Dear new Pope,

Let me be the first to congratulate you on your new gig. I have been anxiously waiting by my phone hoping that my dream of ruling over 1.2 billion people and the keys to the greatest ride this side of the General Lee would come true but alas when the white smoke came billowing out and my dreams were crushed yet again by the sight of an old white dude who has the ability to order in multiple languages was disheartening.  To make the most out of another lost opportunity to spread my gospel to the masses and enjoy the fact that my well being would be in the hands of my fellow Swiss brethren with a bad taste in clothes and an even worse choice in modern weapons (Is there already an assault rifle ban at the Vatican?) I ask you Pope for a few favors. First, please allow for wedding ceremonies that I don’t have to take a few days off of work to attend. I mean I’m not asking for a Kardashian affair but please allow me to not have to shave again when the priest finally asks the groom to kiss the bride.  Second, while at these weddings it would be nice not to feel like I’m at a cross fit session. With all the up then down again moments I feel that I’m one Jillian Michaels scream away from exhaustion.  Lastly, when it comes to communion mix it up a bit, I mean imagine the influx of youth that would flock to the church for fireball and popcorn or tequila and Slim Jims as opposed to wine and stale crackers? Heck if you offered good vodka, beef jerky and the promise that lighting would not strike me when I walked between the pews I would definitely be seeing you more frequently on Sundays.  So please take these small requests into consideration and enjoy your time at the top and know that JC is looking down and he really frowns upon failure.

PS. Spring is here peeps and that means tractors will be moving and fields will be flooded so find a farmer and hug him or her and remember……It’s true that booze does kill people but how many are born because of it?