Has anyone seen a jumbo jet?

Dear Malaysian Airlines,

Things that disappear:

1.       Socks in the dryer.

2.       Your keys just before you are late for work.

3.       Credit cards scattered throughout numerous bars any given weekend.

4.       My memory when indulging in Fireball. (The last two could go hand in hand)

Things that don’t disappear:

1.       Jumbo passenger jets with 200 plus people on them.

Wait, what’s that???...That last one actually just happened? How is it in a day and age that a satellite can decipher the facial expression of a monkey deep in an uncharted corner of a jungle from hundreds of miles away can this occur? The quick answer to this question would be a mechanical failure, pilot error or an act of terrorism that may or may not have brought down the Boeing 777 carrying 239 passengers somewhere between Malaysia and Vietnam. If any of these three plausible explanations that are still being investigated by multiple governments happened, wouldn't there be some trace of debris scattered across land or water or an explosion picked up by radar or the aforementioned satellite imagining? The not so plausible explanations that are being tossed around by conspiracy theorists range from the plane has been hijacked by North Korea, it was swallowed by a wormhole to the always shady Illuminati. Since North Korea’s air force that consists of crop dusters and hang gliders lacks the technology to intercept a modern jet we can rule that out as the final destination of the flight and considering Fox and The SyFy Channel have yet to air a commercial for a special concerning the later I’m just going to assume that the plane’s final destination did not suffer either of those fates. The evidence that we do know is that the flight changed course right before its communications went black and the last words from the pilots in the cockpit to the air traffic controllers were; “All right, good night” which I never ever want to hear from a person flying a plane or operating any other moving device when my life is in their hands. These same Malaysian Airline pilots have been accused of letting people hangout in the cockpit during flights along with smoking one heater after the other which makes Southwest look like a first class operation. I along with everyone out there who enjoys traveling have followed this story with great interest and have thought of our own scenarios that forced the mysterious disappearance of this jet, its crew and passengers. For the sake of the families of all involved let’s hope that they find it or evidence of the final fate of it soon and if not I’m going to go with my own theory and assume Bush did it….

PS. Happy Hump day peeps on this beautiful afternoon in March. As much as this is my ideal weather keep praying for rain and remember…..Capitalism will save us all. 

Vladimir Putin vs. The Free World

Dear Ukraine,

It has finally happened. He has gone and invaded his first country. I’ve been telling you for some time that Vladimir Putin was one vodka shot away from and attempt at world domination and the $50 billion dollar debacle that passed for the Winter Olympics recently has finally pushed him over the edge. I mean how could no one else have predicted this??? He soars with the birds. He catches fish with his bare hands in the frigid water of his homeland. He rides around topless on a horse for reasons other than a photo shoot. He wrestles bears for Christ sake!!! It was the obvious next step in his plan to eventually take over the world. As we have sat back and worried ourselves with the likes of the Taliban and North Korea the biggest threat to our wellbeing has laid silently grumbling and wondering why no one will pay any attention to the country formally referred to as the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. You know the one that now goes by “Russia” and has a nuclear deterrent that matches ours? Now the current administration in Washington that not long ago laughed at the thought of a threat from Russia and said, “The Cold War is over” is taking this man a little bit more seriously. But how can you really hurt a country that has resources both militarily and naturally that rival our own? Sanctions as the President and his advisors have proposed??? Please, they need no oil, protection, water or food. The people that live there survive in -40 degree blizzards on a daily basis. It can’t even snow here in December without it being must watch TV across the country. Ok so that’s not going to work. Let’s see what about a phone call to Mr. Putin to denounce his actions of invading one of his neighbors. I can tell you how that call went last night between the leaders of the two reigning super powers. President Obama; “Hey Vlad this is Barry, what’s up homie? Why do you have to go and change my focus from vacation, golf and my NCAA bracket picks to foreign affairs??” To which Vladimir Putin’s response was; “I must break you.” Before hanging up the phone faster than Apollo Creed hitting the canvas in a quiver from an Ivan Drago uppercut. Well, cross that off the list. The man is ex-KGB and a two time winner in the presidential sweepstakes, he doesn’t care about sanctions or outcry’s for peace from the rest of the world he wants respect. You know R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Leaders of the world need to stroke his ego a little and let him know that he is kind of a big deal. Acknowledge that the former Soviet Union is still a major player in this game we call life. If the region of Crimea in Northern Ukraine thinks they will be better suited as a Russian state let them be, why go to war with your own people that are a majority Russian already in a country that was for so long a part of it. The rest of Ukraine can then align itself with the European Union thus giving everyone what they want. If he continues to harness his inner Hitler we along with our allies do what we do best…Dominate and remind him why we still hold the title of back to back world war champs….Merica.

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this sunny day in March. Enjoy your weekend and remember….The reason I drink American vodka is because I don’t need an interpreter to understand it when it speaks to me.

#Ukraine #Putin #vodka #empireliving

The Oscars....I get older but the girls stay the same age

Dear Matthew McConaughey,

Hollywood finally got it right. 21 years after Matthew McConaughey was slighted for his performance as David Wooderson in the movie “Dazed and Confused” which launched the career of the talent that uttered the immortal words; “I get older, but the girls stay the same age” the elite in the world of movies decided it was time to fill the empty spot in his trophy case with that gold statue. In his acceptance speech which lasted just over 4 minutes he mentioned the three things he needs each day in his life. They were as followed:

1.       Something to look up to….God

2.       Something to look forward to….Family

3.       Someone to chase….His Hero (himself)

These things are so simple in principle and functionally that we all can use them both personally and professionally every day to make our lives better. Let me expound on this a little bit deeper. Some people scoff and claim there is no “God”. Being a person who does not attend church other than weddings (these places tend to burn upon my entrance) or come from a family with any religious affiliation I do know there is a “God” out there for all of us. He may not be the dude pictured in books or films with the long white beard sitting in the clouds but he or she is the person that we turn to when things are bad and pray for better days along with when things are going good and you count your blessings. They give us both hope and inspiration. He spoke about how his father, mother, wife and kids are the people in his life that he constantly strives to make proud of his accomplishments. Family like God can have many meanings. I’ve been blessed in my life to have quite the extended family other than my biological parents and siblings. They are people who I call mom and dad and who I always look forward to spending time with. They’re friends who I can’t call if I ever go to jail because they will be sitting next to me in the cell saying; “Now that was one hell of a night”. They are the ones that make you smile when they utter the words; “We are proud of you” and make you reassess your life when they state “We’re disappointed”. Like the previous two analogies a hero comes in many forms. He or she is the one we chase everyday trying to better ourselves so we can eventually accomplish and attain what they have in their lives. That hero should continue to evolve as you progress through life. The person who you want to be at 21 shouldn’t be the person you look forward to being at 50. It makes us work harder and know that satisfaction is always evolving. Mmmmmm….Look up to God, Make your family proud and always chase your dreams. How elementary and brilliant is that??? Matthew McConaughey thank you for not forgetting where you came from and the steps you’ve taken to get to where you are today. You’re always going to be the man that’s just got to keep on livin… L-I-V-I-N…Just now you’ve got that coveted gold statue…..Alright…Alright…..Alright

PS. Happy Thursday peeps and just one more day to the weekend and remember…..There’s a part of me that says I shouldn’t party, then it realizes it’s drunk and just talking gibberish.

#matthewmcconaughey #oscar #empireliving

Debunking the Myth and Reality of Crossfit

Dear Crossfit,

I have something to admit to you all out there….I am a crossfit guy. Some people have Christianity, Catholicism, Mormonism and Allah as organized religions that they put their faith in everyday and ask to guide them. Hell, Tom Cruise’s crazy ass and the rest of Hollywood made up scientology so they could pray and give there hard earned dollars to also. To the majority of people who participate in the craze that is crossfit it is like all the aforementioned religions in that it gives them something to believe in along with donating a quarter of their salary too minus the passing around of a collection plate. People like to refer to it as a “cult” but in reality all religions could be glossed with the “cult” moniker. Before all you religious zealots go and tar and feather me or worse make me listen to Christian rock follow me on this one. Groups of people that come together believing in the same cause and donate mass sums of money to that cause and become argumentative when someone denounces it is a cult. No Jim Jones and refreshing Kool Aid needed. For those of you who have always wanted a behind the scenes look into their world and the rituals that are behind it I will take you inside their church and reveal to you for the first time….Crossfit.

1.       The first thing that you see when entering a Crossfitters church is that once inside they tend to gather in packs both pre and post workout. They don’t talk about current events or other filler topics that most of us do at bars or other meeting places. The pre-workout conversations consist of how sore they are from the previous session and what they will be doing for the current workout predetermined for them. The post workout get-together is even stranger to comprehend. Instead of leaving after a good sweat session like the majority of us who participate in a healthy lifestyle do they congregate around the equipment that you are trying to use or the designated water area to once again converse about the workout and how sore they will feel in the morning. This usually last typically 20-30 minutes post-workout.

2.       Crossfitters have a sick sense of what is pleasure. After having our asses handed to us for just around an hour by our trainer we all thank them for it. This ritual has always fascinated me because I participate in this faction. I mean does a hostage after a good water boarding turn to his captors and go; “Thanks man, I needed that!”  

3.       A high number of crossfit participants and there trainers tend to spend an abundance of time together away from the gym. It is not unusual to see packs of them gathered at local watering holes that feature a drink menu heavy in ciders and vodka around town. Here they continue to talk about three main topics…The previous day’s workout, the one they just did and what is awaiting them tomorrow. If you are a crossfit participant but do not participate in these gatherings they tend to shun you much like blacks were in the south pre-segregation.

I hope you have enjoyed this brief and enlighten introduction into the world of crossfit and its followers. Despite the negatives that are associated with it like all things it has many positives that outsiders overlook. With no disrespect to Billy Blanks it is in my mind the best workout regime currently out there. Now excuse me while I go finish my burpees….

PS. Happy Friday peeps and let’s hope the rain keeps falling and remember…..A mullet is Gods way of making Oklahoma relevant.

#crossfit #cult #empireliving

Hey! Did you know California is in a Drought???

Dear drought and lawmakers,

Quick fun fact to start off the day…We are in a drought. I don’t need to be reminded of this every time I turn on the TV, open the daily fish wrap or find myself browsing online for something other than a mail order bride. All I need to figure out the dire predicament that we Californian’s find ourselves in is the senses that God blessed me with and simple math most of us picked up courtesy of the California Public School System. It’s pretty self-explanatory, when you use more water than what you have or what is replenished than you will suffer from what is a drought. See, I told you it was simple! California is home to one of the most plentiful supplies of clean water in the world. Our river systems, storage and snow pack has continued to bring the most precious of commodities to farmers, ranchers and cities for over 100 years. A lot of people out there say the problem is Southern California alone and there pools and pristinely green lawns (cough, cough...Ag community). Those of you that do sound ignorant and uneducated. If anything, the people to the south should be used as a model for communities throughout the state on conservation at an urban level. The real problem is that our state has grown in both human and livestock population and permanent crop acreage while the system that feeds its thirst has stayed at levels that were barely sustainable 40 years ago. Like anything that will generate campaign dollars and votes lawmakers from Sacramento to Washington DC are scrambling to come up with answers and solutions to a problem that shouldn’t exist in a state that is the 12^th largest economy in the world along with keeping it fed on a year round basis. Why is it that you only act in haste and without logic under dire circumstances? A kid shoots a classmate so you rush to ban all guns. An investor bilks millions of dollars from his clients so you put a stop to capitalism and now the latest bad solutions to our water issues. I have a better idea for the ones that call themselves Assemblyman and woman, members of Congress and Senators….Be proactive. Invoke change. To put it more eloquently do the job that you were voted into office to do. Make better use of the water that we have and implement new storage facilities to save in the years when God cries less. Make better use of the Sacramento River instead of allowing millions of gallons of fresh water to run out into the Pacific Ocean. Environmentalists will eventually realize that we will be the endangered species if we lack reliable water sources in the future. This logic applies not only to lawmakers but to the general population as well as farmers and ranchers. People, don’t water your lawn every day. Farmers don’t plant high water use crops in areas that historically has been a desert. So easy, straightforward and logical. By implementing real change to the system we can fix a long standing problem that California has faced. If all else fails let’s just blame Obama……

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this beautiful rain soaked day and remember….There are only 3 ways to motivate people: money, fear and hunger.

#California #drought #water #empireliving

From Russia with love...Your 2014 Winter Olympics

Dear Sochi Olympics,

I have a question to ask. Russia, remember when you were relevant? You use to collect gold medals like Kate Upton collects fan mail from prisoners. You brought the world Communism, the arms race, vodka and Ivan Drago but as soon as the great Ronald Reagan uttered those historic words, “tear down this wall” and the Soviet Union began to crumble it brought an end to drug use among your athletes, women who frequented the men’s bathroom more often than the women’s and your athletic dominance. Vladimir Putin I get it. While I’m not a supporter of your politics I am a huge fan of your personal endeavors. The most interesting man in the world pales to your exploits of flying with Canadian geese, bareback rides through the Russian countryside topless and the general wrestling of bears and catching fish with your bare hands. Your antics are the standard for every man out there. While there is nothing wrong with the winter games being staged at a resort community in your homeland you failed in the delivery of the product. First when picking a community to present the Winter Olympics try not to showcase the one on the “Russian Riviera” where 70 degrees and sun are the norm this time of year. Winter in most parts of the world other than California and now Sochi is associated with snow and parkas. When you have to store the precious white stuff (snow not coke Hollywood) in large man made insulated structures it means you have picked a bad place to put on this event. I mean you have Siberia. As you drift closer towards your Cold War era politics you could have shown off the jewel of that time. Who doesn’t love prison camps, a lack of pigmentation and vodka as a form of warmth. The next challenge you presented yourself was once picking the wrong community you decided to spend 100 times your GDP in lipstick for the proverbial pig. $52 billion dollars on bad snow, subpar venues and a below average gold medal count for the host country is unacceptable on all levels. If I was a Russian athlete who failed to medal I would be smuggling myself out of the country as quickly as possible because that priceless look on Putin’s face after the men’s hockey team failed to show the Finnish what the “Motherland” was all about in the quarterfinals has a whole different meaning to the natives. Finally please stage the events live in a time zone that is meaningful for the country’s that dominate international competition in the winter genera. Yes, I’m talking about us the United States and our favorite fashion accessory the “hat” or as it is known on maps…Canada. I don’t feel that it is fair to us or the Maple Leaf’s above that we have to be awake at 3:30 AM on a Tuesday to cheer our countries on to the perennial gold’s we collect in hockey, skiing, snowboarding. You know the sports that actually matter to people more than every 4 years. You try to solve this problem by bringing us a tape delayed saturated version of the events of the day in prime time but that is about as exciting as giving a teenager a Playboy and telling him to only read the articles. Plus did someone fail to inform Bob Costas that he should shy away from the pillows that aren’t his own after Taco Tuesday in the athlete’s village? My god I’ve not seen a case of pink eye like that since grade school. As 9:30 AM approaches here on the west coast and I find myself scampering to find an establishment that is both open and serves cocktails on a Wednesday so I may cheer my beloved USA men’s hockey team to our inevitable gold I leave you with these words…..USA! USA! USA! God Bless.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on a surprisingly wet Wednesday and remember….Hangovers are God’s way of giving you a thumbs up for the previous night’s performance.

#sochi #winterolympics #empireliving

Who's your favorite Saint on Valentine's Day???

Dear Valentine’s Day,

Chances are today you will be spending the evening with the person you love. It may be at an elegant restaurant which you secured a reservation months in advance or it could entail a romantic dinner at home accompanied by some flowers and chocolate you picked up on the way home from work. As a couple you will gaze into each other’s eyes and expound to each other the virtues of your love and what you mean to one another on this 45^th day of the year. On the other end of the spectrum if you’re single you will be getting together with other “single by choice” friends out there to drink up and celebrate the many advantages of being single on a day like Valentine’s Day. You know those ones of emptiness, low self-worth, and loneliness….Um…cough…cough,  excuse me I mean the sense of freedom, never having to compromise and dating whoever you want to. Have you ever sat back and wondered why so much emphasis is put into this day towards love or the hatred of it? Is it because you have been told over and over through a constant media blitz and isle after isle of every major retail store filled with all things red and heart shaped which now starts just after New Years that this day above all the others is when love counts the most thus making you love it when you are associated with a special someone or loath it when you are not? Let’s delve a little deeper into the history of V-day. The origins of this day go back to a 3^rd century Roman Catholic priest who just happened to call it quits full time on February 14^th. Yes, please remember that tonight you will be celebrating in one form or another the death of some old grey haired that just happened to have “Saint” bestowed upon him before the performance of making three miracles happen was vogue. Both of these theories aside, shouldn't you love someone 365 days a year and every fourth you love them for an extra day no matter what society tells you? I know some of you are asking yourself; “Hey, he keeps going on and on about this subject but still hasn't giving any insight into what he is doing on this Valentine’s Day weekend and what his thoughts are concerning it on this self-proclaimed “holiday of love”.” Me…..I’m a St. Patty's Day fan. It’s always the same whether you are married, dating or single. It’s the one day a year that gingers and the Irish are not angry for who they are and everyone wears green and it’s ok to pinch the opposite sex if they are not, along with drinking your face off from 6AM till closing and have the time of your life!!!! Now that my friends is my idea of LOVE…..

PS. Happy Friday peeps and I hope you all enjoy this weekend along with praying for some more of that precious precipitation that California needs and remember…..Don’t talk about puppy dogs and ice cream when you are paying by the hour. 

#valentinesday #saints #empireliving