Nashville country music review...Round II

Dear American Country Awards,

Hello again country music fans and I welcome you to the latest installment of the state of your music industry. The last time I left you I had just concluded viewing the debacle that is the CMA awards buy inserting the remote control into the front of my TV with the force of a Roger Clemens fastball before pissing in a cup was standard for signing a contract. With the recent purchase of a new television and the vodka locked in the cupboard I have decided to give mainstream country music another chance and once again share with you the audience my thoughts on the evening…..

1.       Show starts off as if it was Tony Romo down by a touchdown in the 4^th quarter. Parading out a NASCAR driver who I have more wins then and a dude who was relevant as an opening act in the 90’s who still thinks that ponytails are fresh is no way to win over a suspect audience. (This isn’t looking good)

2.       Glow sticks….And not a European house band in sight.

3.       Does WalMart carry a Trace Adkins line of menswear and if so does it come in something other than black?

4.       Luke Bryan’s wife finally put a stop to him borrowing her pants.

5.       Why are Matthew McConaughey and ZZ Top sharing a stage together at a country awards show? I also think I have found where Randy Jackson has been hiding.

6.       Two awards down and still not a pair of Wranglers or a cowboy hat in sight.

7.       Trace, thank you for finally revealing to me the truth who is really responsible for “honky tonk badonkadonk”….Watch your back Randy Houser.  

8.       A fat white dude and the black guy from Walker, Texas Ranger are rapping….Just checked to make sure I didn’t change the channel on accident.

9.       I still like Blake Shelton.

10.   Was just informed that Hootie and Sheryl Crowe would be sharing the same stage together. Hid the remote from myself…TV’s are expensive post Black Friday.

11.   Jewel….Still looking good.

12.   The 90’s theme continues with Hootie and Sheryl collaborating. (I dare you to play Wagon Wheel)

13.   Once again I spoke to soon, Wagon Wheel is currently spewing out of Hootie’s mouth…Just broke into the cupboard and poured myself a glass of medicine.

14.   Just put a legend like Dwight Yoakam on stage and then disgrace him by having him present Brad Paisley with an award…Currently trying to find where I hid the remote.

15.   More skinny jeans and hats that have some semblance to what a cowboy would wear…At the hour and a half mark and still don’t know if this is a country awards show.

16.   Is Olivia Newton John receiving a standing ovation for her performance opposite John Travolta??....3 days removed from Fireball and still confused.

17.   There you are Taylor.

18.   Leanne Rhymes stills got it.

19.   Leather bro tanks, popped collars and Mohawks have once again revealed themselves on the same stage together…The Fireball pledge may not last long.

20.   Joe Buck is actually pleasurable to hear compared to the acts that have trotted out on stage.

21.   Luke Bryan, there is a street somewhere that you need to play in.

22.   Trace, I’ve giving you more press in this review than you’ve received in the last 10 years, you are not getting me to talk about you more even after that performance.

This show has changed my mind…Country music could go lower than what was witnessed last month at the CMA’s. The only positive I can take home from this is that there was no damage done to the television. Now only if I can find that remote….

PS. Happy hump day peeps on a cold day in December. Stay warm and remember….If Rob Ford can be mayor of Toronto you can be anything.  

#Nashville #countrymusic #ACA 

Fireball....Goodbye, adios, ciao, au revoir...In any language we're through

Dear Fireball, 

We had a good run but it's over. Please do not call, text, email, Facebook, write, send a passenger pigeon or use any other form of communication to contact me. I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors. 

PS. Vodka it's just you and I now like you've always wanted it. I hope you make the most of the situation and remember....If you didn't drink how would your friends know you loved them at 2AM??...

#fireball #vodka #empireliving

Black Friday as told by Maury Povich

Dear Black Friday,

Friday morning I found myself at a local coffee shop still groggy from a hangover that I was trying to determine was caused from the mass amounts of turkey or booze and great wine consumed the night before. Now usually on a Friday at 5:30AM on a holiday break Chico looks like a scene out of a post apocalyptic movie with not a soul in sight (I even suspect the homeless leave town being that there is no one to enable them or harass) as newspapers and an occasional tumble weed blows through the streets. This Friday for some reason was different. The place was packed with men, women and children with $6 coffee in hand discussing their plan of attack on numerous retail stores in the city. At first I thought an act of domestic terrorism might be unfolding before my very eyes but then realized that there were too many yoga pants, Uggs and Northface jackets to be something so sinister. It then donned on me that this could only mean one thing…..Black Friday. There is no better example of the deterioration of the human society other than a marathon of the Kardashian’s on the E Network. I decided to do some research on the phenomenon that is “Black Friday” and drove by some of the large retail stores that are scattered throughout town. Littered among them were tent cities, parking lots full of cars, husbands that would rather still be in bed and kids who were wondering why they were spending the last days of their Thanksgiving break at the local Sears or WalMart. My take away message from my fact-finding mission where as followed:

1.       If you have to wait in line for a week to save $100 on a TV you should not be buying that television. You cannot afford it so instead of wasting  the 40 hours you just did in a tent in the middle of winter go out and get a job that allows you to have enough disposable income to purchase this same TV anytime you want. It’s the truest form of capitalism.

2.       If you think that the “deal” you are getting on whatever consumer product you have woke up at an ungodly hour or left your family in the middle dessert to acquire is saving you money you are delusional or may have drank too much Fireball. When there are 100 of you standing in line and there are only 10 $50 surround sound systems to be had that means 90 of you are going home empty handed or with one that you could have purchased at the same price at 3PM that you are getting it for at 5AM. This math works even in Chico State graduate terms.

3.       Underwear no matter how lacy, blenders, power tools, cabbage patch kids, etc. are not a reason for a good pepper spraying, stabbing or homicide especially if it’s during the pre dawn hours. If I’m going to be involved in any of these three unsavory acts it better be in Detroit and there better be a movie deal soon to follow.

America, I have faith in you. Let’s show the world especially during the holiday season that we are not the cesspool that we are perceived to be…… We have Honey Boo Boo and Kimmie K for that.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this extremely cold day in December. I hope you’re staying warm and remember….Life isn’t filled with mistakes they’re just happy accidents. 

#blackfriday 

Turkey day thank you's....2013 edition

Dear Thanksgiving,

Hello friends from beautiful and blustery Northern California less than 24 hours before the annual feast that is known as Thanksgiving is upon us. We have many things to be grateful for on this day of reflection of thanks, good tidings and family and I would like to share some of what this rice farmer is thankful for this year……

1.       My friends. Every time someone asks me the one thing I could not live without this will be always my answer. (I know some of you are thinking that answer would be booze, rice and beautiful women but don’t worry they will all make the list at some point).

2.       Family. I don’t really mention them much here but yes I do have a mother, father, two brothers, two nieces and one nephew. I may not say it but I do love each and every one of you.

3.       My peeps who read this blog. Whether it be on Facebook or the blog site itself the responses I get back be it comments left, texts, phone calls or in person conversation are what keeps me continually trying to write something thought provoking or smile inducing for you each week. (Well that and the thought of Hollywood finally acknowledging my genius and giving me that much needed break! If I need to lick sledgehammers sign me up)

4.       Cosby. Besides constantly stealing the spotlight from me and thus regulating me to his personal driver on his climb to fame he more importantly puts a smile on my face every day.

5.       Kim Kardashian. Without you cupcake monster and your constant love of all things baked or your knack for making irrelevant rappers famous with the push of a button or just the general way you carry yourself and how we look at so called “celebrities” currently. If it wasn't for you I would have to work that much harder to find a topic to share each week.

6.       Chico. Being one of the fortunate few who get to call it home after graduating makes me the envy of many of friends who have had to pack their belongings and leave after walking across the podium. It is a town that fails to be affected by inflation or the cost of living. $40 gets you inebriated, a slice a pie and a ride home still here. It gets you a glass of water in the city minus the ice.  

7.       Canada. EH.

8.        The rice industry. Since the NFL had no room for a 5’9” safety with suspect speed rice became my passion as my chosen profession. I have worked in all aspects of the industry and it has allowed me to meet numerous lifelong friends across the nation and do things and meet people that would never have been possible otherwise. (Cuban’s and mojito’s with the Ambassador anybody?)

9.       Texas. From Weatherford to Dallas to San Antonio to Austin to Houston to Victoria and all the beer joints and BBQ pits in-between. I will be seeing y’all soon.

10.   Tito’s. I love vodka……This is pretty self-explanatory.

11.   Fireball. I really don’t love you but you somehow seem to get me to hang out with you on the reg.

12.   Merica. I could have said this at the start and covered all my bases.

PS. Happy hump day peeps along with cocktails and dreams on this Thanksgiving holiday and remember….Don’t trust anyone who can bite there ice cream without flinching, it’s just not natural. Gobble Gobble. 

#Thanksgiving #Turkey #Chico #Gobble

San Francisco....A city saved by Batkid in more ways than one

Dear San Francisco,

I share a love hate relationship with the city by the bay. I root for the team in orange and black, I love the numerous restaurants and dining options that it has to offer and the tourist aspect of the area still fascinates me to this day. Things I hate about the city include; the bastion of hope that it holds towards liberalism, the plentiful number of panhandlers that flock to the city and continue to deteriorate it with filth and crime and most of all that damn smell! (You need to experience it because not even this literary genius can put into words the exact way to describe it). But you know what????.....Sometimes you just get it right. In case you’ve just recently woke from a coma or been evicted from a cave in parts unknown last Thursday the Make-a-Wish-Foundation along with the City of San Francisco and numerous other volunteers granted Miles Scott, a five year old boy from Northern California suffering from Leukemia his dream of morphing into his hero Batman and saving Gotham City from the like of the Penguin and the Riddler. The Make-a-Wish-Foundation bequests numerous requests and the fulfillment of wishes to sick and terminally ill children across the country and is by far one of my favorite charities because of this. The everyday people, businesses, celebrities, athletes, etc. that work for and participate in there program is the human aspect working at its finest. Sometimes you have to ask yourself what did you do today to make someone’s life better??? Well for over 12,000 people the answer was to grant this child the opportunity of a lifetime. The world we live in can be a cold and unfair place at times. We win some and we lose some in this poker game of life all the while learning from its adventure. The reality that I’ve always struggled with is when kids are dealt an unfair hand from the start and have to defy the odds to experience the smiles and cries of their adolescence on through adulthood. Stories like this and others constantly bring a smile to my face and a tear or two to my eyes (Yes, this red ass has a soft side). The cost to pull this all off for the city was to the tune of $105,000 which is by far the best money that has been spent in San Francisco since the inking of Will Clark to his first pro contract (God I miss the “Thrill”).My hat goes off to Mayor Ed Lee, Police Chief Greg Suhr, US Attorney Melinda Haag, the Giants and everyone else who turned an act of kindness and the fulfillment of a child’s dream into something much more. It’s moments like this that reassures your faith in the human spirit and that there is still a lot of good amongst us…..

PS. Happy Thursday on this cold and blustery day in the north state peeps. I hope you’re staying warm and enjoying yourself and remember……”It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me”… That’s not me but that is some real at you in November.

#batkid #sanfrancisco #milesscott #kcco

Canada, I'll trade you one President for one Mayor

Dear Toronto Mayor Ron Ford,

Canada has historically not offered us much as a neighbor. Usually it just sits on top of the United States like a hat and keeps our ears warm and the sun out of our eyes while also hiding the fact that the Dakota's are a part of the lower 48. With exhilarating thrills such as maple syrup and a law enforcement unit that still relies on the horse as its primary mode of transportation and is always being out smarted by a comedic moose (hey hey Rocky!!!) it always amazes me that more and more people are not clamoring to move to the Great North for the excitement that it offers. With names such as the Bieb’s, Bryan Adams and Alex Trebek (His mustache gets an exemption, that thing has greatness written all over it), you have not furnished us much in terms of exports but this could easily change. American politicians and reality TV’s finest need to be worried because a new star has emerged and his name is Ron Ford. The Toronto mayor not only carries himself like the John Boehner’s and Nancy Pelosi’s of the world he adds that little something extra in both intrigue and fondness of all things cupcake that the Kardashian’s offer. As his unofficial campaign advisory here in the States I offer you reasons why you should all like this guy:

1.       Smokes crack and consume numerous other drugs on the reg.

2.       Hangs with hookers in the owner’s box at football games.

3.       Would boat race Chris Christie in a Krispy Kream eat-off.

4.       Has his staff throw down on booze for the office.

5.       Did I mention hookers??? Not just at games but also in his very own oval office.

Any man who rolls into a meeting sporting the home team’s jersey along with dropping comments concerning the reasons why he doesn’t need to play with overpriced stray cat because he has plenty of cat at home has landslide re-election written all over him. He personally had me not at hello (so cliché) but at the time he was patrolling the streets of Downtown Toronto with some of his loyal staff and always thinking safety first pulled the car over to take a swig of the vodka that was tucked between his legs. This man constantly thinks of others to his own well being unlike any other politician. If Toronto decides to unjustly remove this man from office he is just a few passport details and a renouncement of free healthcare away from heading to the greener pastures of Washington, D.C. and political greatness in our country. Marion Berry will be waiting with crack pipe and government issued rocks in hand and open arms to welcome you… Vote for Ron Ford…There’s no EHHHHH about it!!!

Ps. Happy Friday peeps on this chilly but sunny Friday in November. Canada I still love you and remember….Bloody Mary’s and bacon are the building blocks of life. 

Many thanks....

Dear Veterans,

I’ve been trying to think of something witty and relevant to put into words what Veterans Day means to me and millions of others out there. But when it all comes down to it the best and only thing that can be said is…..“Thank you”.

Thank you to both my grandfather’s and the brave men and women of their generation who served this country in the last Great War that defined our nation and brought freedom to Europe and beyond.

Thank you to the many who served in Vietnam and didn’t let the public’s disdain for the war interfere with what they were trying do and putting country first no matter how unpopular it was.

Thank you for serving in conflicts in Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan over the last twenty years to protect our allies and forward our interests and not letting politics get in the way.

Thank you to both past and present military personal for allowing myself and everyone who calls the United States of America home to do what we do every day.

I’ve been blessed to visit the numerous war memorials in Washington,D.C. along with seeing The Changing of the Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (By far the most powerful event I’ve ever witnessed). From my grandpa who drove tanks all over Europe for General Patton to numerous friends in high school who enlisted when we graduated to my current intern to the man I call when I need something to be repaired on those “why I can’t have nice things” days at the ranch we run across veterans every day. Take the time to thank them not only today but every day for the sacrifices they have made in securing our freedoms. Trust me; it will put a smile on their face…..

PS.  In case I have not said it enough…..Thank you.