Nashville country: You always dissapoint

Dear ACM Awards, 

Well folks it’s time for another edition of “Why Nashville Country Sucks” brought to you unofficially by Tito’s Vodka (although it would be great if they did sponsor me) and the American Beef Council (I had a steak to wash down the vodka). I like always will be your host for this adventure and remember, I do it for you the fans so please enjoy…..

1. The evolution of Luke Bryan’s interpretation of country continues. Leather wristbands have been replaced with a pleather Members Only jacket. How rural of you. 
2. Singing about hunting and fishing while in a denim size small you purchased from the Baby Gap will not make us think you are country. 
3. How hard do you think it is for Blake Shelton not to look at Miranda when singing a song concerning love? Your loss is my gain buddy. 
4. Kenny Chesney takes the stage in a sleeveless v-neck and rocking some bling that would make Flava Flav jealous. Real country strikes again. 
5. Von Miller wins the night on that outfit alone. 
6. Chris Stapleton wins his first award of the night. The show suddenly takes a swing back to real country. 
7. Eric Church is fine wine. Simply amazing. 
8. Dierks Bentley still gets a hall pass for the way he dresses. His music is that good. 
9. Burning House is one of the best country songs to hit the airwaves in years. Cam, you have a little bit of Reba in you and that is a good thing. 
10. I think I pulled Jason Aldean off better than him. 
11. Will someone let Garth know that they make microphones now that don't look like headgear you picked up from the dentist in the 80’s. 
12. What is a Cole Swindell? 
13. An hour into the show and I have run out of skinny jean jokes. 
14. One of these days I want Bon Jovi to take the stage when they introduce Keith Urban. 
15. Little Big Town brings out a brass ensemble in an attempt too imitate JT and Chris Stapleton success from the last awards show. The problem is they are highly talented, you not so much. 
16. Luke Bryan is now sporting a red leather jacket but is missing one white glove.
17. You know how I am constantly telling overweight people to mix in a salad? Tim McGraw need to do the opposite of that. My God, eat a piece of cake. 
18. A lot of people of different race and nationalities just took the stage. It’s starting to look like a Trump rally. 
19. Carrie Underwood you can now eat anything you want in my bed. Please bring that outfit with you. 
20. I like to think Miranda was thinking about me when she won the award for female vocalist of the year. 
21. If something bad was to happen too Sam Hunt the world of country music would be a better place. 
22. Do you think every time Blake sees Miranda he feels like the Dodgers do when they see the World Series trophy? 
23. 4 awards and 4 wins for Chris Stapleton. The makers of skinny jeans are cringing. 
24. Katy Perry presenting an award isn't a bad thing. 
25. Do you think when Dolly Parton’s chest met Katy Perry’s chest for the first time God just looked down and smiled? 
26. Good too see Yeezy is now dressing Florida/Georgia Line. 
27. If all of Nashville sounded for like Chris Stapleton and less like O-Town they wouldn’t be hated so much. 
28. Entertainer of the Year…Jason Aldean. I’m going to stay on my couch and let him go ahead and accept the award. 

Three more hours of my life I will never get back. I hope you enjoyed this edition of why Nashville Country sucks. Stay tuned next time for more v-necks, leather strap, pop music and hijinks….God Bless. 

PS. Happy Monday on this opening day of baseball season peeps, enjoy the sunshine and remember…GO GIANTS!!!! 

#ACMawards #countrymusic #nashville #nashvillesucks #lukebryan #empireliving

Super Tuesday: Breaking down the candidates one insult at a time

Dear Super Tuesday, 

Today 11 states will hold there presidential primaries. With that 595 total delegates will be up for grab to help determine who will represent the Republicans and Democrats when November rolls around to decide the next President of the United States. With this position comes not only a great paycheck and housing accommodations but also a country that is at a breaking point both financially and culturally. In case you haven't turned on your TV in sometime (which isn't a bad thing) here is a rundown of your options along with a brief bio of those vying to be the the next leader of the free world: 

Republican: 

Donald Trump: Great hair and at one time was a favorite of mine. He explained what he wanted to do too make this country great again and how he was going to do it. Critics chastised him for his unfiltered comments and failures in business but that’s what this country needs, someone not afraid to make the hard decisions and put America first and foremost. As the campaign has worn on I’ve now soured too the direction he has taken…Attacking other candidates and not focusing on the task at hand. His 3 answers currently to any question asked are: 1. Ted Cruz is an illegal. 2. Marco Rubio needs a diaper. 3. Build a wall. 

Ted Cruz: Looks very creepy and I wouldn't take a piece of candy from him if he offered. At one time he was a Tea Party darling and a game changer in Washington when first elected. He bucked the trend of the elitist career politicians and blazed his own path, accomplishing the goals of his constituents, not the lobbyist who tried to line his pockets. His campaign was also built on his ability to give straight, intelligent answers on how he was going to fix this country. Like Trump, his campaign has transformed from integrity and intelligence to attacking his Republican competitors. 

Marco Rubio: The Republican Party’s hand picked candidate for president. Young, intelligent,  immigrant roots and not Jeb Bush. Even after a disappointing finish in the Iowa Caucus he continued to follow the party’s playbook, thus making him the “it” candidate for the Republicans. But alas, like his previously mentioned rivals he too has steered away from the issues at hand and instead has gone to a comedic routine whenever a mic presents itself to him. I don't want to hear about The Donald peeing his pants, I want to hear how you are going to change the direction of this country. I’m hoping you see a pattern here….

Democrats: 

Hillary Clinton: Better known as Bill’s wife and a career politician she is also Obama 2.0 and we all know where that has got this country over the last 8 years. She lacks the charisma of her “husband” and the ability to read a teleprompter like her predecessor but like Rubio is the hand picked candidate of her party. She like her Republican counterparts feels that the best way to help America is to let her voters know that she can drop insults against her competitor in the same party rather than explain to them how she is going to fix the problems that we all face. Plus, did I mention that she is a liberal? Nothing good comes of that. 

Bernie Sanders: A socialist hailing from Vermont who I’m still not convinced is Larry David. He wants to give every one free healthcare, tuition, phones, cars, computers and no new taxes but still has no idea how it is going to get done. What Larry, I mean “Bernie” had going for him was that he had a generation of kids 18-25 who have received participation trophies their whole lives and were wiling to back him. Scary thought. Alas, he too for some reason decided to divert from what was working and instead thought that attacking Hill Dog would help bring the Democrat’s voting base together. Remember that pattern I was referring too with the Republican candidates…  

As the campaign process moves further along candidates from each party are beginning to consider themselves the leader in the race to be president. Stating you are the leading candidate in each party’s race in 2016 is like saying you're the smartest kid in a Chico State master’s program. It really doesn't hold any weight. I’m not a campaign manager but I’ll play one for the sake of this piece. When you are participating in a debate, rally or just talking to a potential voter as you're walking down the street, try not to sling mud in one of your competitor’s direction when asked a question. This technique has worked for me….Answer the question honestly and eloquently too the best of your ability!!! See how easy that is??? On the plus side it makes you look intelligent, which is what we all want in a leader. Simple and too the point. When is someone who is running for the highest office in this land going too realize what the people of this great nation really want? the constant negative attacks towards other candidates in your same party let alone the competing one doesn't make you a leader, it makes you weak. Which in turn makes this country weak. Those are both really bad things in a world that doesn't respect us anymore. As the campaign process continues to roll along to the elections let’s hope that a candidate from either sides rises above all others and focuses on how to fix this country and bringing it together rather than dropping insults like they are auditioning for Def Jam. God Bless America and I’m Marcus Monroe and I approve this ad….

Happy Tuesday peeps on this first day of March. May it be filled with tacos and good times and remember….Life without Mexican food is like no life at all. Ariba. 

#supertuesday #republican #democrat #trump #cruz #rubio #clinton #sanders #makeamericagreatagain #empireliving 

Guns...Taking the blame for responsibility and leadership in America

Dear President Obama, gun control advocates, “Radical” Muslims, ISIS and anyone who hates America,

For the last five days a gun has been by my side in my truck. It has traveled with me from my home to my place of work. It rode shotgun (literally) as I made my way to the grocery store and running other errands throughout town. It was there next to me as I took in a movie the other night and was in the same place when I went downtown and grabbed a drink. It has been to numerous locations that are bustling with people during this holiday season and you know what???........It NEVER killed anyone. I know that the media and you Barry might find this astonishing but guns are not the problem no matter how many senseless acts of violence and now terrorism that you try to pin on them to further your own agenda. It took the president of our great country less than an hour after the tragedy unfolded in San Bernardino, CA that took 14 innocent lives to pin the blame on guns. No condolences to those who were murdered, their families or a call to wait for all the facts to come across his desk in the oval office to address the situation before passing judgement. The minute he heard the words “guns” he followed it with “control”… How very Obama of you. Enough about Barry, I have already given him too much airtime as it is. What happened to the United States? We are failing as a country because we have raised a generation of youth that are afraid to address the daunting issues we face because they are scared of the repercussions for not coming off “politically correct”. I on the other hand do not have this problem and am going to do my civic duty for my country to explain the latest tragedies that “guns” have caused in the United States.

1.       In Colorado, a gun did not go into a Planned Parenthood clinic and kill 2 civilians and 1 police officer. A mentally deranged white Christian male who did not like the option of a woman’s right to choose did. What the media failed to let the American public know till long after this was front page news was that this harbinger of hate had numerous propane bottles in his truck that he intended to use to blow up the clinic. The same ones that you and I can pick up at our local Home Depot…No permit or background check required.

2.       In San Bernardino, California a domestic dispute between coworkers didn’t spark a shooting rampage that killed the previously mentioned victims at a Christmas party, an act of terrorism by two Muslims who pledged allegiance to ISIS did. People don’t “randomly” have tactical clothes, AK-47’s and numerous pipe bombs and IED’s just laying around there living room. Terrorists do. Foreign and domestic.

You see what I did their???....Clean, simple, honest and straight to the point. If you are a white Christian male or a Muslim and have a problem with this, then you too are also what is wrong with this country. Taking responsibility for ones actions is what we should have all been taught in our adolescence. Passing this lesson along to the future of this country is the responsibility of parents, teachers, peers, mentors, etc. This nation cannot prosper again until we stop placing blame on an object and symbol of freedom in this country and the Amendment that protects it and start holding individuals and people responsible. In breaking news, in the time it took me to write this blog my gun still has yet to kill someone. Merica….

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this cool December morning in God’s Country. Have an amazing weekend and remember…..Having sex with an ex on a Thursday isn’t cheating, it’s a throwback.

#Obama #Muslim #ISIS #SanBernardino #guns #guncontrol #nra #empireliving 

Nashville, you never fail to take the "country" out of music

Dear 2015 CMA Awards,

Hey peeps, remember me? That rice farmer who tries to make you both smile and think in 500 words or less. You know the guy with the black dog and attempts to drink the town out of vodka at least two days out of the week (I’ve actually been quite successful at it of late). I figured what better way to jump back into the blogosphere game then to bring to you my 5^th or 6^th annual review of the state of country music in Nashville. My cocktail is full so please enjoy….

1.       The last few years the CMA’s have tried to fool me by marching out a young hot blonde or insert some country singer from the 80’s or 90’s as the opening act to convince me that their brand of country is worth listening to. This year is no different as Hank Williams Jr. and Eric Church take the stage along with the largest Merica Flag this side of Wittmeier Ford. The CMA’s know all my weaknesses. Well played.

2.       Failing to capitalize on that momentum, John Cougar Mellencamp takes the stage.

3.       Has anyone ever seen Jon Bon Jovi, Keith Urban and Ellen DeGeneres in the same room at the same time?    

4.       Thank you for finally purchasing a new hat Brad Paisley. I was completely out of material concerning this topic.

5.       Nothing says country music like William Shatner on stage dressed as a Star Wars character. I’ve only had one cocktail but just rushed to the kitchen to make another after witnessing this.

6.       Sequins are made for women and Bruce Jenner, not for dudes wearing cowboy hats.

7.       Nice to see Notre Dame’s mascot on stage. Wait…..That’s Zac Brown with the beard and green velour jacket???

8.       Do you think Kenny Chesney gets upset when he’s at Disneyland and sees one of those “must be this tall to ride” signs?

9.       Congratulations Sam Hunt. There’s now someone I hate more than Florida/Georgia Line.

10.   Shouldn’t it be easy to find a cowboy hat at a country music awards show?

11.   Two awards presented thus far and both have honored a song that is found on rotation on most pop stations across the country.

12.   Bolo tie, cowboy hat with cool feathers, Chris Stapleton. Nashville, this is what country looks like.

13.   Carrie Underwood, if you crawled into my bed with those boots on I wouldn’t be mad.

14.   One hour into the show and 1/3 of a bottle of Tito’s down. This isn’t meant to be funny, I just love Tito’s vodka a lot.

15.   Justin Timberlake and Chris Stapleton. Drop the mic and role the credits please.

16.   Florida/Georgia Line take the stage. After the above mentioned performance I’m glad you can put the Nashville back into country.

17.   More Eric Church is a good thing.

18.   Cowboy boots, jeans that fit, Chris Stapleton. Keep taking notes Nashville.

19.   Blake Shelton, you slept with my wife but yet I still can find no hate for you.

20.   No skinny jeans, leather bracelets or pleather gun holster shirts..WTF Luke Bryan?! I have a review to write!

21.   For the record, I am still not the lead singer of Rascal Flatts.

22.   Miranda, I have no idea what that song was about but I’m sure it was dedicated to me. Love ya babe and hurry home soon before I eat your crackers.

23.   Marcus’s skinny jeans: 1       Jason Aldean’s: 0

24.   Kacey Musgraves takes the stage in feathered sequins. Looks like I’m going to have to buy a bigger bed and more crackers.

25.   Dierks, I like that you’re shopping in Eric Church’s closet these days.

26.   Do you think Miranda reads the letter I wrote her before bed each night? I like to think so.

27.   Nashville, rolling out greats like Reba doesn’t make you country, it makes you unoriginal.

28.   How ironic is it that Brooks and Dunn are singing “Play something country”?

29.   Talking about your daddy who passed away, thanking your momma, shedding a tear, Chris Stapleton. Two words…God Bless.

30.   Luke Bryan “Entertainer of the Year”. Let that sink in once again.

31.   3 hours, a buzz and not a single Taylor Swift sighting. I guess the night wasn’t a total waste.

The accolades that Chris Stapleton received tonight proved that no matter how much Nashville tries to shove their brand of country down our throats real musicians are out there and thriving. Somewhere Waylon Jennings is smiling…

PS. Happy Thursday peeps, you are the reason I write and hope to bring more to you soon. Have an amazing weekend and remember…..Life is too short not to drink early.

#2015CMAs #nashville #chrisstapleton #brocountry #empireliving 

A message from Cecil the lion

Dear concerned public,

Hello, I’m Cecil the lion and if you are reading this I am dead. Most of you had no idea who I was for the first 12.9 years of my life until about 48 hours ago so I felt it was necessary to take the time to let the public know my thoughts and feelings from the grave upon my recent demise. Now there are only a few ways this could have happened:

1.       Natural causes.

2.       Poacher.

3.       I ate a little too much gazelle and wandered from the friendly confines of my reservation and was killed legally.

The first reason gets the best of all of us. I’ve lived a good life and had no regrets. I have seen parts of Africa that others can only dream of. I have feasted on zebra, water buffalo and an occasional villager who thought that it was a good idea to saunter away from his hut minus his trusty spear. If scenario two is the reason you are reading my last will and testament than I ask that whoever it was, whether it be a local who are the reason my kind are in the protected state we are in or it be a dentist from America I ask that you punish them to the full extent of the law. Poachers are the politicians of the hunting world. They don’t hunt, they kill and are the reason why hunters and hunting is frowned upon among the minority of the world. Unfortunately that minority are the people that control what you see in the media. What you don’t realize is that legal hunters are who pay for the sanctuaries that I and others like me call home. Without them, poachers would have hunted us to extinction years ago. Now if the 3^rd and final choice is how I met my demise than I have no one to blame but myself. I should have been smarter than that, I mean I have spent the last 13 years of my life living the dream. Hwange National Park was my oyster, and I took advantage of all the pearls it had to offer. I had my own pride I ran, numerous lionesses at my fingertips and people who paid thousands of dollars just to take a picture of myself and others who call the park home. Now I don’t know where all that money goes but the Zimbabwe government has said that it stays in the park and helps us, the wildlife who call it home. Isn’t it funny that no matter what anyone really talks about be it life, death or anything in-between the conversation always comes back to government? Let me tell you something about my government. It is ran by Robert Mugabe. He is a dictator who has turned the vibrant, beautiful and rich country I call home into a place riddled with corruption, police and military brutality and fear. He has executed thousands of my fellow countryman along the way to ensure that no one will challenge his rule. Real standup guy.  If by chance I am killed legally and he calls for whoever did it to be extradited back to Zimbabwe to face punishment please tell him to pound sand. Finally I wanted to reinforce to you that legal hunters are not bad people. For thousands of years humans have shared Earth with other animals and have hunted to survive just like myself and other predators. Today, they along with conservation efforts by others are the reason you can still see myself and others like me in something other than a book. They are good people who don’t kill just to kill. Friends, don’t use my death to chastise the few, use it as a rallying call to end poaching in my country and around the world and most importantly let this shed some light on Zimbabwe and its leadership. I am just one lion, amongst a country of many good humans, focus on the atrocities that happen here daily before my 15 minutes of fame fade and the liberal media moves on to the next cause. One last thing….RWAR!!!!! Scared you didn’t I??? Meow.

PS. Happy Friday peeps and remember….All the girls get prettier at closing time or after 10 shots of Fireball, really there is no difference.

#Cecilthelion #Cecil #zimbabwe #hunters #poachers #hollywood #empireliving   

An open letter to Miranda Lambert

(An open letter to Miranda Lambert)

Dear Miranda Lambert,

It’s been a week since you and Blake called it quits. It is at about this time that things begin to settle down, and the initial shock of a breakup starts to wear off. At this point you begin to take the steps to heal that broken heart and decide where to go from here. Failure gets the best of us all. Your life has played out like a country song in the tabloids recently and to be honest, you deserve better than “Some beach” and “Sangria” my dear. As you move on and look to mend that heart of yours, I’m here to lend you some sage advice and where you should go from here to find “true” love. Now, I’m impartial so please hear me out Miranda. Your close friends are going to suggest that you hit up a bar or club to mix it up and keep your mind off Blake. This while fun, is a horrible idea that will only fuel the rumors of infidelity and mistrust that lead you to this place. Plus, are you really going to find your soulmate at 3am hopped up on cheap beer and tequila? Trust me, I do this every weekend and have yet to strap a ring on a finger. Some may suggest you stay at home and find “yourself” during this time. Two words come to mind with this thought process….Bad idea. Staying home is only going to make you think of the “what if’s” more which will drive you crazy thus leading you to the refrigerator and late night Netflix binges fueled by anger and despair. Others may tell you to go an unconventional route and try your hand at the internet dating game. They will tell you it will give you the best of the previously mentioned options in that you can meet new people, but from the comfort of your own home. Ask yourself do you really want to weed through, Match.com, Eharmony.com, Jdate.com, blackpeoplemeet.com, Farmersonly.com, etc. to find someone to share the rest of your life with? Miranda, I am here to offer you option #3. That option is ME! I know this is a bold move on my part but if you never put yourself out there you may never find “the one”. I wanted to give you a brief view inside my life and what I can offer you.

1.       Fun and laughter: I have a gift for making pretty blondes smile. My charm has no boundary.  

2.       Communication skills: A man has to know when a women wants advice or to merely have you listen. Through years of trial and error I have honed this most treasured and useful relationship skill.

3.       Financial security and intelligence: Many of the suitors that will be chasing you will only be after your hard earned money and a place to hunt (well I may want that place to hunt). I don’t need your money, but if you want to purchase me a lavish gift, say maybe a bear hunt in Alaska or a fishing trip to Canada I’m not going to say no. I’m no dummy.

4.       Hunting, fishing, farming, jeep rides and an ice chest full of ice cold beer: All these things are awesome. Pretty much panty droppers. That’s all that needs to be said.  

5.       The black dog: Just when you thought that you have found the perfect match with all the above mentioned qualities I throw the quintessential “icing on the cake” and present to you Cosby. From retrieving ducks to spinning in circles in the back of the truck to gracing the pages of the latest farm magazine you will never stop smiling at his antics. He can also be referred to as the “deal sealer”.

Miranda what I’m trying to say is true love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another. Get in your little red wagon and put it in automatic and come on over because you’re the fastest girl in town. Mamma’s broken heart can’t be mended with kerosene but it sure as hell can be with some gun powder and lead plus some smoking and drinking. I can promise you that I’m not a white liar and holding on to you is better in the long run for a heart like mine. Now if including the titles of 11 of your songs in my closing statement and making sense doesn’t make you pick up that phone and dial my number than I don’t know what the definition of love really is….XOXOXO

Much love,  

Marcus Monroe

PS. Happy Wednesday peeps on this scorcher of a day in God’s Country. Hopefully by the time you read this I will be on my way to Nashville and remember….If you’re talking to a girl and she says she’s “been through a lot” never reply with “dicks?” It’s a deal a deal breaker.

#mirandalambert #blakeshelton #divorce #nashville #empireliving 

Unite our country in a time other than tragedy

Dear domestic terrorism,

Question: What happens when you decide to attack the United States and its military personal on its own soil?

Answer: You die.

It’s the same answer you will receive if this tragedy where marines lost their lives happened in a country other than our own. Terrorism towards our nation isn’t a domestic or foreign thing, it’s a hate thing. It’s a hatred of our way of life and if you attack America and our military here or abroad, you are an enemy to myself and the masses who call this country home. It doesn’t matter if you hail from the Middle East wrapped in a bathrobe and rocking a towel as a hat or call a trailer house located in the Midwest home and you throw back Bud heavies as the Rebel flag flies in your driveway. We will find you, and we will punish you. The question that we need to ask ourselves is why did this tragedy happened and why do these terrorist attacks continue to take place across the world? The answer to this may be simpler than you think. With every “black lives matter” protest, pro-life demonstration or rally against the Confederate flag we see in the media on a daily basis we continue to lose sight of what really matters….The United States of America. You know the place we call home that contrary to popular belief is still home of opportunity and freedom and we have two World War championship rings to prove it. As this great nation continues to deteriorate from the inside, groups like ISIS, Al-Qaeda, Al Cracker, etc. sees this as an opening to attack what America stands for. A weakened home front is an invitation for them to continue this. I think we sometimes lose track of what this country is about and why it was founded. It wasn’t too long ago that we recited the Pledge of Allegiance every morning in class and you took your hat off and crossed your heart when the national anthem played. We did this not only to honor this country and those who have died making it what it is, but the opportunity that it has afforded all who call it home. You know, the things that make you proud to be an American. The sad thing is that you only see this in time of tragedy in this country. We need to come together as one on the reg. We are one nation and one flag that represents many. Until we realize what really matters is the red, white and blue flag that flies so proudly at houses, parks, schools, government buildings, etc. across America we will never really be safe from the threat of those who hate us. Patriotism isn’t racism, its love of country and the last time I checked it included 318 million people who were Republican, Democrat, black, white, brown, straight, gay, Christian, Muslim, rich, poor, etc. In closing I would just like to say Constitution, bald eagle, guns, Reagan, Old Glory, apple pie but most of all….Merica. God Bless (No matter what one you pray too)

PS. Happy Friday peeps, please enjoy your weekend and remember…French fries are practically salad, that’s why ranch is must.

#domestic #terrorism #marines #unitedstates #patriotism #empireliving