Friday, January 25, 2013

Double dating with Manti Te'o

Dear Manti Te’o,

I am writing to you today to ask you for some dating advise…..Actually asking you for dating tips is like Snooki consulting Kim Kardasian on how to raise a child.
You are a student and the star athlete at one of the most esteemed institutes of higher learning in the nation. You should have as much problem getting laid as Kate Upton on an all male sex addict cruise sponsored by Trojan.
Here are two simple rules that apply to dating and love.
One….It is not called dating when all you do is talk to someone on the phone for four months especially when the person on the other end of the line is a 22 year old male.
Two….You don’t fall in love with someone you have never met. If this were true I would already have added Alyssa Milano, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Tara Reid (Please don’t judge me on that last one people) to the notches on my bedpost.
I have an idea for you that just might work.  Get off the couch, shut off the computer, shower, throw some product in your hair and hit up your local watering hole, grocery store, church, class, etc. At places like these you will find real people and if your lucky may find an actual female that catches your eye. What you do next is going to be difficult but trust me it will work….Go and talk to her!!! This is called conversation and I’ve seen you do it in numerous interviews and even though you sound as if you’re reading off cue cards the Cookie Monster drew up on an all night Tollhouse bender I know you are more than capable of holding your own. If she likes you that’s good, if she doesn’t don’t worry, you will eventually meet a girl that loves you for your frosted tips and lei you seem to wear everywhere and not for the lucrative NFL contract you will be signing very soon.  When those wedding bell’s eventually chime for you guys and you thank me with an invite don’t worry about me RSVP’ing for two because I’m bringing your ex…..Aloha.

PS. Happy Friday peeps and add a little Swayze to your step and make it special this weekend.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Race and the media president edition

Dear media,
After watching bits and pieces of the inauguration on Monday it appalls me that in this day and age of equality you still refer to barry as our first “black” president.  Not to mention the fact of the matter is that he is 50% black, raised by his white mother, etc., etc.…. (This post would be too long for me to get into all those details).  The race card is tired and played out. The man has been President of the United States for the last four years so stop trying to mask his short comings in office by going back to the same banner this inauguration that was held when he was first elected. I don’t refer to my local elected officials as the “Swedish” congressman or the “Irish” senator or even to myself as the “German” rice farmer.  After four years of holding the highest office in the free world let’s stop defining someone by their race and start defining them by their contributions to society, the economy and what they have done for our great nation.  That deserves a God Bless.
PS.  Hugs, fire places, cocktails and orange juice are always a must on a hump day in January peeps….keep up the good fight

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Assault weapons and Twinkies

Dear Barry and Biden,
Attempting to ban “assault weapons” and higher capacity magazines  and enacting laws that go against our 2nd amendment rights  thinking that it will stop deranged individuals from doing bad things is like trying to convince Rosie O’Donnell to mix in a salad with the diet of Twinkies and doughnuts would be good for her….It just won’t work. Don’t blame guns for what is wrong with society, put the blame where it belongs….On the individual and the parents and how kids are raised in today’s world.  Instead of having your child sit in front of a computer all day, take it out and play catch or show it what nature has to offer. When your kid does something wrong spank him or her and not put them in a time out and give them a granola bar for listening to you.  People from my generation, my parents and their parent’s generation never went into a room at a school or theater and shot up innocent victims because we were taught discipline and right and wrong at an early age….And yes, we were all and still are gun owners. By using the words “gun violence” for “gun control” in order to tug at the heart strings of victims and the general public is appalling along as was using a quote by Ronald Reagan in your speech. The man took a bullet and never once blamed guns.  Solving this problem starts at home and until society changes how kids are raised no amount of legislation or executive orders will control sick people from hurting innocent people with guns, knives, hammers, cars, etc.
PS. Give someone a hug, tell someone they look good or buy a round…Pay it forward and keep up the good fight Peeps….