Dear Manti Te’o,
I am writing to you today to ask you for some dating advise…..Actually asking you for dating tips is like Snooki consulting Kim Kardasian on how to raise a child.
You are a student and the star athlete at one of the most esteemed institutes of higher learning in the nation. You should have as much problem getting laid as Kate Upton on an all male sex addict cruise sponsored by Trojan.
Here are two simple rules that apply to dating and love.
One….It is not called dating when all you do is talk to someone on the phone for four months especially when the person on the other end of the line is a 22 year old male.
Two….You don’t fall in love with someone you have never met. If this were true I would already have added Alyssa Milano, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Tara Reid (Please don’t judge me on that last one people) to the notches on my bedpost.
I have an idea for you that just might work. Get off the couch, shut off the computer, shower, throw some product in your hair and hit up your local watering hole, grocery store, church, class, etc. At places like these you will find real people and if your lucky may find an actual female that catches your eye. What you do next is going to be difficult but trust me it will work….Go and talk to her!!! This is called conversation and I’ve seen you do it in numerous interviews and even though you sound as if you’re reading off cue cards the Cookie Monster drew up on an all night Tollhouse bender I know you are more than capable of holding your own. If she likes you that’s good, if she doesn’t don’t worry, you will eventually meet a girl that loves you for your frosted tips and lei you seem to wear everywhere and not for the lucrative NFL contract you will be signing very soon. When those wedding bell’s eventually chime for you guys and you thank me with an invite don’t worry about me RSVP’ing for two because I’m bringing your ex…..Aloha.
PS. Happy Friday peeps and add a little Swayze to your step and make it special this weekend.