Monday, April 4, 2016

Nashville country: You always dissapoint

Dear ACM Awards, 

Well folks it’s time for another edition of “Why Nashville Country Sucks” brought to you unofficially by Tito’s Vodka (although it would be great if they did sponsor me) and the American Beef Council (I had a steak to wash down the vodka). I like always will be your host for this adventure and remember, I do it for you the fans so please enjoy…..

  1. The evolution of Luke Bryan’s interpretation of country continues. Leather wristbands have been replaced with a pleather Members Only jacket. How rural of you. 
  2. Singing about hunting and fishing while in a denim size small you purchased from the Baby Gap will not make us think you are country. 
  3. How hard do you think it is for Blake Shelton not to look at Miranda when singing a song concerning love? Your loss is my gain buddy. 
  4. Kenny Chesney takes the stage in a sleeveless v-neck and rocking some bling that would make Flava Flav jealous. Real country strikes again. 
  5. Von Miller wins the night on that outfit alone. 
  6. Chris Stapleton wins his first award of the night. The show suddenly takes a swing back to real country. 
  7. Eric Church is fine wine. Simply amazing. 
  8. Dierks Bentley still gets a hall pass for the way he dresses. His music is that good. 
  9. Burning House is one of the best country songs to hit the airwaves in years. Cam, you have a little bit of Reba in you and that is a good thing. 
  10. I think I pulled Jason Aldean off better than him. 
  11. Will someone let Garth know that they make microphones now that don't look like headgear you picked up from the dentist in the 80’s. 
  12. What is a Cole Swindell? 
  13. An hour into the show and I have run out of skinny jean jokes. 
  14. One of these days I want Bon Jovi to take the stage when they introduce Keith Urban. 
  15. Little Big Town brings out a brass ensemble in an attempt too imitate JT and Chris Stapleton success from the last awards show. The problem is they are highly talented, you not so much. 
  16. Luke Bryan is now sporting a red leather jacket but is missing one white glove.
  17. You know how I am constantly telling overweight people to mix in a salad? Tim McGraw need to do the opposite of that. My God, eat a piece of cake. 
  18. A lot of people of different race and nationalities just took the stage. It’s starting to look like a Trump rally. 
  19. Carrie Underwood you can now eat anything you want in my bed. Please bring that outfit with you. 
  20. I like to think Miranda was thinking about me when she won the award for female vocalist of the year. 
  21. If something bad was to happen too Sam Hunt the world of country music would be a better place. 
  22. Do you think every time Blake sees Miranda he feels like the Dodgers do when they see the World Series trophy? 
  23. 4 awards and 4 wins for Chris Stapleton. The makers of skinny jeans are cringing. 
  24. Katy Perry presenting an award isn't a bad thing. 
  25. Do you think when Dolly Parton’s chest met Katy Perry’s chest for the first time God just looked down and smiled? 
  26. Good too see Yeezy is now dressing Florida/Georgia Line. 
  27. If all of Nashville sounded for like Chris Stapleton and less like O-Town they wouldn’t be hated so much. 
  28. Entertainer of the Year…Jason Aldean. I’m going to stay on my couch and let him go ahead and accept the award. 

Three more hours of my life I will never get back. I hope you enjoyed this edition of why Nashville Country sucks. Stay tuned next time for more v-necks, leather strap, pop music and hijinks….God Bless. 

PS. Happy Monday on this opening day of baseball season peeps, enjoy the sunshine and remember…GO GIANTS!!!! 

#ACMawards #countrymusic #nashville #nashvillesucks #lukebryan #empireliving