Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Nashville country music review...Round II

Dear American Country Awards,

Hello again country music fans and I welcome you to the latest installment of the state of your music industry. The last time I left you I had just concluded viewing the debacle that is the CMA awards buy inserting the remote control into the front of my TV with the force of a Roger Clemens fastball before pissing in a cup was standard for signing a contract. With the recent purchase of a new television and the vodka locked in the cupboard I have decided to give mainstream country music another chance and once again share with you the audience my thoughts on the evening…..
1.       Show starts off as if it was Tony Romo down by a touchdown in the 4th quarter. Parading out a NASCAR driver who I have more wins then and a dude who was relevant as an opening act in the 90’s who still thinks that ponytails are fresh is no way to win over a suspect audience. (This isn’t looking good)
2.       Glow sticks….And not a European house band in sight.
3.       Does WalMart carry a Trace Adkins line of menswear and if so does it come in something other than black?
4.       Luke Bryan’s wife finally put a stop to him borrowing her pants.
5.       Why are Matthew McConaughey and ZZ Top sharing a stage together at a country awards show? I also think I have found where Randy Jackson has been hiding.
6.       Two awards down and still not a pair of Wranglers or a cowboy hat in sight.
7.       Trace, thank you for finally revealing to me the truth who is really responsible for “honky tonk badonkadonk”….Watch your back Randy Houser.  
8.       A fat white dude and the black guy from Walker, Texas Ranger are rapping….Just checked to make sure I didn’t change the channel on accident.
9.       I still like Blake Shelton.
10.   Was just informed that Hootie and Sheryl Crowe would be sharing the same stage together. Hid the remote from myself…TV’s are expensive post Black Friday.
11.   Jewel….Still looking good.
12.   The 90’s theme continues with Hootie and Sheryl collaborating. (I dare you to play Wagon Wheel)
13.   Once again I spoke to soon, Wagon Wheel is currently spewing out of Hootie’s mouth…Just broke into the cupboard and poured myself a glass of medicine.
14.   Just put a legend like Dwight Yoakam on stage and then disgrace him by having him present Brad Paisley with an award…Currently trying to find where I hid the remote.
15.   More skinny jeans and hats that have some semblance to what a cowboy would wear…At the hour and a half mark and still don’t know if this is a country awards show.
16.   Is Olivia Newton John receiving a standing ovation for her performance opposite John Travolta??....3 days removed from Fireball and still confused.
17.   There you are Taylor.
18.   Leanne Rhymes stills got it.
19.   Leather bro tanks, popped collars and Mohawks have once again revealed themselves on the same stage together…The Fireball pledge may not last long.
20.   Joe Buck is actually pleasurable to hear compared to the acts that have trotted out on stage.
21.   Luke Bryan, there is a street somewhere that you need to play in.
22.   Trace, I’ve giving you more press in this review than you’ve received in the last 10 years, you are not getting me to talk about you more even after that performance.

This show has changed my mind…Country music could go lower than what was witnessed last month at the CMA’s. The only positive I can take home from this is that there was no damage done to the television. Now only if I can find that remote….

PS. Happy hump day peeps on a cold day in December. Stay warm and remember….If Rob Ford can be mayor of Toronto you can be anything.  

#Nashville #countrymusic #ACA 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Fireball....Goodbye, adios, ciao, au revoir...In any language we're through

Dear Fireball, 

We had a good run but it's over. Please do not call, text, email, Facebook, write, send a passenger pigeon or use any other form of communication to contact me. I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors. 

PS. Vodka it's just you and I now like you've always wanted it. I hope you make the most of the situation and remember....If you didn't drink how would your friends know you loved them at 2AM??...

#fireball #vodka #empireliving

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Black Friday as told by Maury Povich

Dear Black Friday,

Friday morning I found myself at a local coffee shop still groggy from a hangover that I was trying to determine was caused from the mass amounts of turkey or booze and great wine consumed the night before. Now usually on a Friday at 5:30AM on a holiday break Chico looks like a scene out of a post apocalyptic movie with not a soul in sight (I even suspect the homeless leave town being that there is no one to enable them or harass) as newspapers and an occasional tumble weed blows through the streets. This Friday for some reason was different. The place was packed with men, women and children with $6 coffee in hand discussing their plan of attack on numerous retail stores in the city. At first I thought an act of domestic terrorism might be unfolding before my very eyes but then realized that there were too many yoga pants, Uggs and Northface jackets to be something so sinister. It then donned on me that this could only mean one thing…..Black Friday. There is no better example of the deterioration of the human society other than a marathon of the Kardashian’s on the E Network. I decided to do some research on the phenomenon that is “Black Friday” and drove by some of the large retail stores that are scattered throughout town. Littered among them were tent cities, parking lots full of cars, husbands that would rather still be in bed and kids who were wondering why they were spending the last days of their Thanksgiving break at the local Sears or WalMart. My take away message from my fact-finding mission where as followed:

1.       If you have to wait in line for a week to save $100 on a TV you should not be buying that television. You cannot afford it so instead of wasting  the 40 hours you just did in a tent in the middle of winter go out and get a job that allows you to have enough disposable income to purchase this same TV anytime you want. It’s the truest form of capitalism.
2.       If you think that the “deal” you are getting on whatever consumer product you have woke up at an ungodly hour or left your family in the middle dessert to acquire is saving you money you are delusional or may have drank too much Fireball. When there are 100 of you standing in line and there are only 10 $50 surround sound systems to be had that means 90 of you are going home empty handed or with one that you could have purchased at the same price at 3PM that you are getting it for at 5AM. This math works even in Chico State graduate terms.
3.       Underwear no matter how lacy, blenders, power tools, cabbage patch kids, etc. are not a reason for a good pepper spraying, stabbing or homicide especially if it’s during the pre dawn hours. If I’m going to be involved in any of these three unsavory acts it better be in Detroit and there better be a movie deal soon to follow.

America, I have faith in you. Let’s show the world especially during the holiday season that we are not the cesspool that we are perceived to be…… We have Honey Boo Boo and Kimmie K for that.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this extremely cold day in December. I hope you’re staying warm and remember….Life isn’t filled with mistakes they’re just happy accidents. 


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Turkey day thank you's....2013 edition

Dear Thanksgiving,

Hello friends from beautiful and blustery Northern California less than 24 hours before the annual feast that is known as Thanksgiving is upon us. We have many things to be grateful for on this day of reflection of thanks, good tidings and family and I would like to share some of what this rice farmer is thankful for this year……

1.       My friends. Every time someone asks me the one thing I could not live without this will be always my answer. (I know some of you are thinking that answer would be booze, rice and beautiful women but don’t worry they will all make the list at some point).
2.       Family. I don’t really mention them much here but yes I do have a mother, father, two brothers, two nieces and one nephew. I may not say it but I do love each and every one of you.
3.       My peeps who read this blog. Whether it be on Facebook or the blog site itself the responses I get back be it comments left, texts, phone calls or in person conversation are what keeps me continually trying to write something thought provoking or smile inducing for you each week. (Well that and the thought of Hollywood finally acknowledging my genius and giving me that much needed break! If I need to lick sledgehammers sign me up)
4.       Cosby. Besides constantly stealing the spotlight from me and thus regulating me to his personal driver on his climb to fame he more importantly puts a smile on my face every day.
5.       Kim Kardashian. Without you cupcake monster and your constant love of all things baked or your knack for making irrelevant rappers famous with the push of a button or just the general way you carry yourself and how we look at so called “celebrities” currently. If it wasn't for you I would have to work that much harder to find a topic to share each week.
6.       Chico. Being one of the fortunate few who get to call it home after graduating makes me the envy of many of friends who have had to pack their belongings and leave after walking across the podium. It is a town that fails to be affected by inflation or the cost of living. $40 gets you inebriated, a slice a pie and a ride home still here. It gets you a glass of water in the city minus the ice.  
7.       Canada. EH.
8.        The rice industry. Since the NFL had no room for a 5’9” safety with suspect speed rice became my passion as my chosen profession. I have worked in all aspects of the industry and it has allowed me to meet numerous lifelong friends across the nation and do things and meet people that would never have been possible otherwise. (Cuban’s and mojito’s with the Ambassador anybody?)
9.       Texas. From Weatherford to Dallas to San Antonio to Austin to Houston to Victoria and all the beer joints and BBQ pits in-between. I will be seeing y’all soon.
10.   Tito’s. I love vodka……This is pretty self-explanatory.
11.   Fireball. I really don’t love you but you somehow seem to get me to hang out with you on the reg.
12.   Merica. I could have said this at the start and covered all my bases.

PS. Happy hump day peeps along with cocktails and dreams on this Thanksgiving holiday and remember….Don’t trust anyone who can bite there ice cream without flinching, it’s just not natural. Gobble Gobble. 

#Thanksgiving #Turkey #Chico #Gobble

Thursday, November 21, 2013

San Francisco....A city saved by Batkid in more ways than one

Dear San Francisco,

I share a love hate relationship with the city by the bay. I root for the team in orange and black, I love the numerous restaurants and dining options that it has to offer and the tourist aspect of the area still fascinates me to this day. Things I hate about the city include; the bastion of hope that it holds towards liberalism, the plentiful number of panhandlers that flock to the city and continue to deteriorate it with filth and crime and most of all that damn smell! (You need to experience it because not even this literary genius can put into words the exact way to describe it). But you know what????.....Sometimes you just get it right. In case you’ve just recently woke from a coma or been evicted from a cave in parts unknown last Thursday the Make-a-Wish-Foundation along with the City of San Francisco and numerous other volunteers granted Miles Scott, a five year old boy from Northern California suffering from Leukemia his dream of morphing into his hero Batman and saving Gotham City from the like of the Penguin and the Riddler. The Make-a-Wish-Foundation bequests numerous requests and the fulfillment of wishes to sick and terminally ill children across the country and is by far one of my favorite charities because of this. The everyday people, businesses, celebrities, athletes, etc. that work for and participate in there program is the human aspect working at its finest. Sometimes you have to ask yourself what did you do today to make someone’s life better??? Well for over 12,000 people the answer was to grant this child the opportunity of a lifetime. The world we live in can be a cold and unfair place at times. We win some and we lose some in this poker game of life all the while learning from its adventure. The reality that I’ve always struggled with is when kids are dealt an unfair hand from the start and have to defy the odds to experience the smiles and cries of their adolescence on through adulthood. Stories like this and others constantly bring a smile to my face and a tear or two to my eyes (Yes, this red ass has a soft side). The cost to pull this all off for the city was to the tune of $105,000 which is by far the best money that has been spent in San Francisco since the inking of Will Clark to his first pro contract (God I miss the “Thrill”).My hat goes off to Mayor Ed Lee, Police Chief Greg Suhr, US Attorney Melinda Haag, the Giants and everyone else who turned an act of kindness and the fulfillment of a child’s dream into something much more. It’s moments like this that reassures your faith in the human spirit and that there is still a lot of good amongst us…..

PS. Happy Thursday on this cold and blustery day in the north state peeps. I hope you’re staying warm and enjoying yourself and remember……”It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me”… That’s not me but that is some real at you in November.

#batkid #sanfrancisco #milesscott #kcco

Friday, November 15, 2013

Canada, I'll trade you one President for one Mayor

Dear Toronto Mayor Ron Ford,

Canada has historically not offered us much as a neighbor. Usually it just sits on top of the United States like a hat and keeps our ears warm and the sun out of our eyes while also hiding the fact that the Dakota's are a part of the lower 48. With exhilarating thrills such as maple syrup and a law enforcement unit that still relies on the horse as its primary mode of transportation and is always being out smarted by a comedic moose (hey hey Rocky!!!) it always amazes me that more and more people are not clamoring to move to the Great North for the excitement that it offers. With names such as the Bieb’s, Bryan Adams and Alex Trebek (His mustache gets an exemption, that thing has greatness written all over it), you have not furnished us much in terms of exports but this could easily change. American politicians and reality TV’s finest need to be worried because a new star has emerged and his name is Ron Ford. The Toronto mayor not only carries himself like the John Boehner’s and Nancy Pelosi’s of the world he adds that little something extra in both intrigue and fondness of all things cupcake that the Kardashian’s offer. As his unofficial campaign advisory here in the States I offer you reasons why you should all like this guy:

1.       Smokes crack and consume numerous other drugs on the reg.
2.       Hangs with hookers in the owner’s box at football games.
3.       Would boat race Chris Christie in a Krispy Kream eat-off.
4.       Has his staff throw down on booze for the office.
5.       Did I mention hookers??? Not just at games but also in his very own oval office.

Any man who rolls into a meeting sporting the home team’s jersey along with dropping comments concerning the reasons why he doesn’t need to play with overpriced stray cat because he has plenty of cat at home has landslide re-election written all over him. He personally had me not at hello (so cliché) but at the time he was patrolling the streets of Downtown Toronto with some of his loyal staff and always thinking safety first pulled the car over to take a swig of the vodka that was tucked between his legs. This man constantly thinks of others to his own well being unlike any other politician. If Toronto decides to unjustly remove this man from office he is just a few passport details and a renouncement of free healthcare away from heading to the greener pastures of Washington, D.C. and political greatness in our country. Marion Berry will be waiting with crack pipe and government issued rocks in hand and open arms to welcome you… Vote for Ron Ford…There’s no EHHHHH about it!!!

Ps. Happy Friday peeps on this chilly but sunny Friday in November. Canada I still love you and remember….Bloody Mary’s and bacon are the building blocks of life. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

Many thanks....

Dear Veterans,

I’ve been trying to think of something witty and relevant to put into words what Veterans Day means to me and millions of others out there. But when it all comes down to it the best and only thing that can be said is…..“Thank you”.

Thank you to both my grandfather’s and the brave men and women of their generation who served this country in the last Great War that defined our nation and brought freedom to Europe and beyond.

Thank you to the many who served in Vietnam and didn’t let the public’s disdain for the war interfere with what they were trying do and putting country first no matter how unpopular it was.

Thank you for serving in conflicts in Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan over the last twenty years to protect our allies and forward our interests and not letting politics get in the way.

Thank you to both past and present military personal for allowing myself and everyone who calls the United States of America home to do what we do every day.

I’ve been blessed to visit the numerous war memorials in Washington,D.C. along with seeing The Changing of the Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (By far the most powerful event I’ve ever witnessed). From my grandpa who drove tanks all over Europe for General Patton to numerous friends in high school who enlisted when we graduated to my current intern to the man I call when I need something to be repaired on those “why I can’t have nice things” days at the ranch we run across veterans every day. Take the time to thank them not only today but every day for the sacrifices they have made in securing our freedoms. Trust me; it will put a smile on their face…..

PS.  In case I have not said it enough…..Thank you. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Was that a country music awards show I witnessed???

Dear CMA Awards,

It was a year ago that I found myself laying on my couch with a cocktail in hand contemplating the state of Nashville and its take on country music as I took in the debacle that is the CMA awards show. It was preached throughout the event that “country” was getting back to its roots and moving away from the bubble gum pop spectacle that it has become. Being a good journalist and always following up on importing issues affecting society I parked myself in that same couch with a repeat of the cocktail to watch the 2013 edition of the show  to see how this transformation that was supposedly going to take place in the country music industry had progressed. Here are some of my thoughts and a “play by play” of what I witnessed:

1.       Opening act is sporting the same skinny jeans and leather bracelets that he wore last year but as an added bonus he borrowed his sister’s prom dress because nothing screams country like sequins.
2.       A man that used to look like Kenny Rogers was in the crowd but due to the numerous Botox injections it couldn’t be confirmed to be the real “Gambler”.
3.        Taylor Swift….Please just go away.
4.       The boys of Duck Dynasty continue to receive more exposure than a girl’s thighs standing in line at a Buck Night in December. A little is good, too much and you’re Honey Boo Boo.
5.       Kasey Musgraves has that unmistakable twang that may even have Reba smiling.
6.       Give me 10 years worth of Kix and Ronnie and a lifetime of fashion mistakes over the two dudes who thought they were starring in a Buckle advertisement.
7.       Vince Gill has not seen a salad since 8 seconds.
8.       At no time should multi-colored Mohawks, skinny jeans and scarfs be seen on any stage let alone one that is supposedly dedicated to giving a country music performance.  
9.       A hipster (the new hippie) and the kid from Malcolm in the Middle (I’ve been wondering what happened to him) apparently auditioned for the next season of Glee.
10.   Did Cheryl Crow get real old or is that the look she is cultivating since entering the country genera of music?
11.   Eric Church, please take off the black and the aviators. You are neither Johnny Cash nor Bocephus and the jeans that were purchased at Baby Gap cancel out whatever tough guy image you were trying to cultivate.
12.   Is Tim McGraw dressing these days for retirement? Unless you have blue hair and a blinker that continues to signal left you don’t need to wear your trousers north of your belly button.
13.   For some reason as much as I want to I cannot hate Blake Shelton.
14.   Please see #3. (Where is Kanye when you need him?)
15.   Carrie Underwood can still eat crackers in my bed.
16.   P Diddy plus white people in Nashville equals a “deer in the headlights” look.
17.   George Strait and Alan Jackson. (That’s all that needs to be said). Sit back and enjoy the magic.
18.   That dude from Nirvana shows up at more places than Waldo.
19.   Brad Paisley, you’ve done well for yourself. It is time to get rid of the hat you purchased at Spring Break in Cabo all those years ago and get a nice Stetson and take the time to have someone shape it other than the 5th member on Menudo.
20.   Hootie decided that it wasn’t enough that he destroyed “Wagon Wheel” so he added “The Gambler” to the list. (The remote was almost thrown at the TV at this point).
21.   I DO NOT look like the dude in Rascal Flats.
22.   Has anyone ever seen Kenny Rogers, Col. Sanders and Don Mayo of OMC fame in the same room together….ever?
23.   Luke Bryan, yoga pants are meant to be worn with Uggs not cowboy boots and more importantly by women.
24.   After 3 hours and many cocktails later you finally get it right….George Strait strong.
25.   I spoke to soon….Hootie strikes again. (There goes the remote).

Lesson learned. Nashville has killed country as we know it….I now need to go purchase a new TV.

PS. Happy Thursday peeps with this change of pace offering to you. Please enjoy and remember….Nobody wants to wear pants, that’s just the way the world works. 

Friday, November 1, 2013

Who doesn't love Chico on Halloween?!!

Dear Halloween,

Driving through town yesterday I found myself staring at the people who had begun to gather along the streets and sidewalks. There were naughty nurses, catholic school girl vixens and beautiful women with feline ears and tails that numbered in the hundreds as I made my way down the road. I know you must be asking yourself; “When did Marcus move to Amsterdam and who let him into the red light district and the overindulgence is offers?!” No people as much as that is on my bucket list along with a morning run with the bulls I still found myself in downtown Chico and this type of scenery can only mean one thing…..It’s Halloween! Yes, I am talking about that time of year when a girl can dress like she’s on her way to a job interview in the 909 at a place where the word “missionary” on your resume doesn’t refer to your three years building homes in Ghana and no one bats and eye or refers to her in garden tool terms. It’s a glorious thing to the male gender and also the female (we don’t discriminate on these pages) that get to witness all or should I say not so much that the costumes have to offer. Halloween has many faces not only here in Chico but across the country and we all can relate to them. We not only have the sexy side of fun with the adult themed costumes we also have what the holiday is meant for….The trick or treating that the children do in neighborhoods all over town. Being that the black dog has done very well with his modeling endeavor it has afforded us the opportunity to live in a nice neighborhood. Many less fortunate people will bring their children to area such as ours on Halloween to maximize their candy receiving potential.  Now I have nothing wrong with this and am all for increasing their dentist’s retirement account. The problem I do have is that if you are over the age of 18 you are not a child you are a parent unless of course you’re on MTV thus you do not need to be at my door asking for candy. This also applies to the parents who dress up a 3 month old child and come to your door. The infant has yet to grow its first tooth so why does it need candy??? If you can’t afford candy to add to your current weight issues you shouldn’t exploit your child in order to fill that void in your life. This year I was going to be partaking in some libations away from the place I call home (I’m not talking about Joe’s people, it lacks a bed) as a tax paying citizen of Chico I shouldn’t resort to prison break style measures in order to leave my home because of the zombie like presence that was for mentioned stocked my neighborhood. Through it all the holiday of costume and candy continues to be a favorite of mine so if you find yourself in the Hollywood Hills of Chico next year either as a parent or dressed for a night in the grotto at Hef’s, stop by and say hi….Just expect a Fireball and a beer if you drop those three childhood words on me when I answer the door.

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this first day of November and remember to set those clocks back between cocktails this weekend and remember……Vodka may not solve your problems but it’s tastier than milk.

#Halloween #Chico 

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Teddy Ruxpin and the spy game

Dear government spying,

There has been a lot of discussion and media coverage over the last couple weeks concerning spying by our government and the current administration. From wire taps of cell phones to emails being intercepted by departments such as the NSA of not only the registered voters of this country but also recent information has been made public that leaders of our current allies around the world such as France and Germany (I mean who wouldn’t trust the country that started two world wars) have also been continuously watched by Barry and the boys. Now the spy thing is nothing new when it comes to not only governments but also businesses and people in general when trying to keep track of each other or of another interested party. It has been happening for years like it or not and because of it we are able to have the freedoms that we are accustomed to today. It makes me wonder though that with all the modern technology that our government possesses how we could ever be caught? You would think that there is a better way of doing it. That way may have just been found and once again the man who chases his vodka with vodka and is the president of our biggest adversary has done it. Just when I thought you couldn’t out do yourself Vladimir Putin on your numerous accomplishments you went out and proved me wrong. A recent report has come out that Russia used teddy bears along with other devices to spy on delegates attending a recent G20 summit in St. Petersburg. The man not only wrestles bears he is putting tiny cameras into cuddly stuffed ones to spy on leaders from around the world! What is next for this man??? Sharks with laser attached to their foreheads as a form of capital punishment??? Once again I’m here to help you Mr. President out of another predicament. I am not an economist I just play one on these pages for your enjoyment but with the current NSA spying budget hovering around $11 billion dollars I say let’s take a page out of Mother Russia’s playbook and give me a few grand and a quick stop at the local Toy’s R Us for a Teddy Ruxpin or two and I’m not only making much needed budget cuts and helping secure our country’s best interests but as an added bonus I get to stimulate the local economy. Its genius I say! Barry, take a lesson from the guy on the other end of the red phone you have sitting on your desk. If you are going to have the NSA do some deep snooping and don’t want to be caught doing it head into the attic and pull out some of those Beanie Babies and Cabbage Patch Kids you’ve been saving for retirement and start giving those to world leaders on your tax payer paid vacations and save this country some much needed money.

PS. Happy hump day peeps and like always I hope you are enjoying this sunny day in late October and remember…..I got a black belt in hustling. 

Friday, October 25, 2013

You're eating food?..Thank you farmer and rancher!

Dear Harvest,

The chopper isn’t working right….Hey boss, there’s a line spewing oil from the tractor….Marcus the harvester won’t unload the rice….My phone has for the last forty plus days constantly been blowing up to these and other calamities which must mean only one thing…..Harvest. From June to November growers across this great state we live in are harvesting the fruits of their labor in order to bring you some of the finest and freshest grains, fruits, nuts, vegetables, etc. that cannot be found in the abundant supply that California offers anywhere else in the world. From rice fields in the Sacramento Valley to the vineyards of Sonoma County and the surrounding regions (Napa gets no plug here) to numerous tree crops in that paradise we call the Central Valley to the salad bowl of the Salinas valley to those green treats we call the avocado in San Diego and all other stops in between you can find everything being grown under the sun and in some cases underground (mushroom plug folks). I know it sounds cliché to hear sometimes but we farmers here in the golden state not only feed America we feed the world. We as a whole provide it with the safest and most cost efficient food choices for people across the globe. I like many farmers out there take my fair share of scrutiny from friends and the media concerning the money we make and the lifestyle that we live or are perceived to live. I hear the jokes all the time about rice farmers working four months in the spring and four months in the fall and we all have cabins in Tahoe and travel to far off places, etc., etc. The truth is yes, this does hold true to some, not only for rice farmers but a lot of farmers across the state. It also can be said about firefighters, police officers, teachers, garbage men, Silicon Valley peeps, etc. If you have done well in any industry you work in and want to indulge and enjoy the fruits of your labor then so be it. The risk farmers take can be huge. There are not a lot of business consultants and economists out there who would recommend putting up millions every year in capital investments in order to make on average a 3-5% return on that expenditure. Farmers both large and small do this not only for what are the chances of higher profits if the market is there but also for the lifestyle that they love. People tend to want to separate farmers into classifications such as “corporate” or “family” or “organic” (it is all organic in nature, it comes from the soil peeps) to name a few.  Every farm be it large or small, thousands of acres or a patch of ground in the city serve a purpose to you, themselves and the community. So as another season of harvests across California comes to a close and winter approaches and you find yourself coming across a farmer or rancher in your daily adventure that is life, thank him or her as you would anyone else who makes your life better and by chance even sneak in a hug or two…”Hug a farmer”, now that sounds like bumper sticker material…

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this sunny day in October. I hope you all have a cocktail filled weekend and remember….If cocktails interfere with your business, give up that business. It’s probably not that fun anyways. 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Kim, Kanye & marriage...What's not to like?

Dear Kim and Kanye,

During my self-imposed sabbatical from my writing in which I have spent the past forty plus days harvesting the ingredient that puts that great taste in the sushi you all love and enjoy along with snapping numerous pics of the celebrity who calls the back of my pickup home many news worthy events have taking place that I felt have been worthy of discussion. Among those events have been rice harvest and all it entails, a government shutdown and that team from Los Angeles realizing that they don’t belong in the Fall Classic. With all of these topics being noteworthy one thing happened that trumped all of these events…..The cupcake thief who masquerades as a celebrity and the man who has self-glossed himself “Bigger than Jesus” have decided to tie the knot. Now we all know that this is forever because your third marriage by the age of 33 is what makes a normal, healthy and long lasting relationship. Being Kim’s biggest fan this side of a rapper with a camcorder in his hand I have a few questions for Kanye concerning this union. First, why propose at AT&T Park? Why not gather Bruce and the crew and do it at Dodger Stadium? I mean that place is begging to see a ring ceremony of any type. Secondly, it’s obvious that you failed to listen to your business manager when coming up with an idea on how to propose. You dropped all that cash on a rock and stadium rental to tell her you love her when all you needed to show your devotion was a video camera from Radio Shack and a YouTube channel. Those two simple and cost effective things have yet to fail when it comes to Kim and true love. Lastly, is this why you chose to move in with OJ’s ex and the rest of the Kardashian clan at the age of 36? Where you trying to save money for the big day? Homeboy you are worth over 100 million dollars, loosen the pockets a little and splurge on a one bedroom in the 90210. Kanye, if all these settle hints I’ve so eloquently laid out for you as signs that you’re doing it wrong aren’t registering I’m going to break it down in simple terms that even a Visa commercial would appreciate:

15 carat diamond engagement ring: $8,000,000
Leasing AT&T Park for the night: $35,000
Flying friends and family in for the event: $20,000
Watching a sham of a marriage go down faster than your wife on a talentless rapper: PRICELESS

The one I really feel sorry for in this whole situation is North. Not only does she has to grow up thinking that the other three sides of a compass are her cousins but now she will be under the assumption that a long lasting marriage consists of three months of bliss, attorney fees and a lifetime of rehab. Kanye, I’m going to steal a lyric from you when I say this……”She’s a gold digger and she ain’t messing with a broke….You better leave her ass for a white girl”...But stay away from Kate Upton!! Get down, get down…

PS. A long overdue happy hump day to you peeps and glad to be back hope you are having a great one and remember….If you ever feel unloved and unwanted just yell out “the next round is on me”. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Politicians and budgets...A shutdown story

Dear government shutdown,

Since the “government shutdown” is the latest big thing to hit Washington and the politicians who call it home I have decide to chronicle how it’s affecting myself and my daily routine and the measures I've taking to cope with it. 

Day 1: Wake up between 5 and 5:30AM depending on how much I had to drink the night before (being that its harvest season the possibilities are high that I have a cocktail or six in me). Take warm shower and attend to other hygiene activities. Throw together some healthy eats for the lunch box.  Cook some paleo friendly breakfast. Make sure the celebrity living in the studio on the back patio is up and ready for another day of mud clod tasting, harvester rides and photo shoots that add to his ever growing ego. Head to nearest coffee shop (This is a Coffee Ranch plug). Drive to ranch and game plan with my employees the day’s tasks. Deal with the controlled chaos that I call rice harvest. Bring to your tables the best rice in the world. It’s dark now, go home to feed famous dog and myself and have cocktail or six before bed. Sleep.

Day 2: See above.

WHOA!!!... As you can see the crisis in Washington pitting overzealous and out of touch politicians versus each other in their latest attempt at destroying our great country has not influenced my daily life nor will it for the majority of people in the United States. The reason for this is that successful businesses across the country are successful for a reason….They spend less then what they take in! It is such a simple yet novel idea that allows businesses to thrive and yet the people we elect to office still do not understand this concept. While the rest of us sit back and watch as grown adults continue to act like school children who don’t get there way the people who suffer are the 800,000 workers that the government employs. They range from park rangers to janitors to FSA employees (No congressman, senators or the man in the oval office on this list) and will be out of work or furloughed until a budget is passed and yes I do feel bad for these employees that are currently out of work but you should have known going into the gig that you would be working for an employer who is currently $17 trillion dollars in debt so job stability must not have crossed your mind when accepting the position. The actions of Congress, the Senate and the current administration have even Miley Cyrus wondering what she needs to do to one up you guys. Thomas Jefferson once said “That the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time” and I think that the current state of affairs with our government on both sides of the aisle reinforces this ideology more than ever. Let’s get back to the basics on how a country should be run and only then can our great nation prosper….I’m Marcus Monroe and I approve this message.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this sunny in October. Harvest is moving along and will be over soon. I hope you've enjoyed the daily pics of rice and the famous black dog and remember……The sun gives you the “D” whether you want it or not. 

#government #shutdown

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Hashtags of life

Dear #Hashtag,
#It #seems #like #every #time #I #get #online #weather #it #be #Facebook #or #Instagram #or #Twitter #all #I #see #is #something #that #annoys #me #more #than #having #only #99 #cents #in #my #pocket #and #not #a #credit #card #in #site #on #a #buck #night…..#It #is #the #prevalent #amount #of #you #Hashtag #that #has #taken #over #the #dialect #of #our #society.  #Why #is #it #that #every #time #someone #washes #their #dog, #goes #to #the #bathroom, #does #laundry, #etc. #I #have #to #have #you #come #back #into #my #life #like #a #photo #taking #at #the #frat #house #when #I #still #thought #the #best #way #to #impress #the #ladies #was #to #beer #bong #Jaeger #followed #by #a #chaser #of #what #we #in #Chico #call #a #craft #beer #the #ever #tasty #Keystone #Light #that #surfaces #right #before #that #long #overdue #run #for #Congress. #Do #you #think #that #someone #is #just #waiting #around #eagerly #anticipating #to #type #”idiot” #in #their #search #bar #so #they #can #see #what #you #did #on #a #Wednesday #at #work #instead #of #doing #what #you #are #actually #paid #to #do? #Call #me #old #fashion #but #if #I #want #the #world #to #know #what #I #am #currently #doing #I’m #liquidating #my #limited #assets #buying #a #brick #of Columbia’s #finest #and #inviting #Charlie #Sheen, #Lindsey #Lohan #and #TMZ #to #the #finest #strip #club #for #a #4 #day #bender #and #yes #you #guessed #it #all #of #you #are #invited. #In #fact #I’ve #used #so #many #hastags #I’ve #hit #the #max #on #this #rant #but #I #still #come #up #at #least #a #half #dozen #hashtags #short #of #someone’s #everyday #post #after #I #quote, “#killing #it” #at #the #gym #for #20 #minutes #on #a #Friday.  #I’m #currently #going #to #go #outside #and #enjoy #some #sun #and #dirt, #I #know #that #hashtags #won’t #dare #show #up #there……..#marcusmonroegrowsthebestricein3countieswiththe4thpending J#########
 PS. Happy Friday peeps, you guys are the best and to those of you in attendance keep those pics coming from Stagecoach; they are much appreciated from this rice famer who is trying to keep those sushi joints well stocked with that California Rice you all love and remember…..A wise girl told me it’s better to be a week early than a week late; that my friend’s is the marrying type

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Tell me again liberal why we need to be in Syria?

Dear Syria and the White House,

On the 12th anniversary of 9/11 and with the harvesters parked waiting on rice to mature I decided that it was time to once again help the current administration with their foreign policy issues. First a little background on myself for those of you who only know me as the guy who seems to always be checking into bars or constantly playing paparazzi to a dog who may be close to being as famous as his namesake. I’m a registered Republican in name, I am a capitalist, I like my guns and my booze and there is nothing I love more than Merica and the freedom that it offers. You see, these are all traits that liberals like to label as your classic “warmonger”  If this is true than why am I and others with similar beliefs against getting involved with Syria while liberals continue to saber rattle and press congress into participating in a conflict that has no benefit to the United State? Have we not learned our lessons with the response from “we the people” concerning the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan that entering into another one is about as unfavorable as a rash on Kate Upton date night? There are no alternative motives such as WMD or oil (yes I said it) that would harm or benefit us being drawn into a conflict here and overtaxing our military and put are troops in harm’s way. Anti war protester and current President Obama along with other Bush haters such Hillary and Mr. Kerry continue to hold media blitzes telling us that the tactics the Syrian government is using against its own people are an atrocity and comparable to Nazi Germany.  Why is it that gassing Muslim rebels who are killing soldiers and then gutting them and eating their hearts and livers in the name of Allah who are trying to overthrow a government is a travesty and a crime on humanity but killing those same people with weapons from knives to guns to bombs considered kosher? If the killing of innocent men, women and children were the case for action in Syria than we would have to use that logic in most every region on this planet. It is called “war” for a reason and nothing can change that. The way I see it is you have two groups of people who hate each other for whatever reason but the one thing that they can agree upon besides that a girl covered in black bed sheets is attractive is there hatred for the United States. Here’s an idea, why don’t we save billions of dollars and sit back and watch Darwin work his magic. Not only will it rid the world of an increasing number of I quote “Muslim extremists” it will make the bear wrestling, vodka drinking leader of Russia a much happier camper and in this day and age of dirty bombs and jihad I’m thinking I am still going to pay just a little respect to the homeboy who can still wipe us off the planet with the touch of a button. Mr. President, I’m not looking for any monetary reward for once again helping you resolve another one of your messes but a call from that red phone with a thank you from time to time sure would be nice.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this warm Wednesday in September and remember…..Let’s roll.

#Syria #Obama #9/11 #UnitedStates

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Did someone say football???

Dear NFL,

Do you see that?...The leaves turning color and beginning to fall from the trees. Can you feel that?...The heat of summer has started to turn to the chill of fall. Do you hear that?...The sound of harvesters firing up as rice season comes to a close. The greater question is what do all these things mean? If you are all saying to yourself; “Oh God, now he Fireball, Tito’s and whatever else he thinks will get along with the aforementioned combination will be spending a lot more time together thus making anyone in his contact list a target for late night chats consisting of gibberish and I love you’s” Yes folks I’m not saying that’s not going to happen but what this really means is that football season is back upon us! When the greatest sport in the world last left us that team from San Francisco was being reminded who actually had it better than them and the coach’s big brother was hoisting the Super Bowl trophy over his head thus giving himself bragging rights at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for years to come. Through an off season littered with arrests, domestic violence and an occasional murder pro football remains the most watched sport this side of that elementary school game where scoring happens less than in an Amish bedroom and the participants are rewarded at the end of 60 minutes with orange slices and Capri Suns that is currently popular in third world countries. With the new season upon us it brings hope for fans in cities across this country as each team starts with a clean slate and yes it’s hard to believe but even you Raider Fan are in first place notwithstanding if it’s for only a few short precious hours. As most of you know my loyalties lie with the only team that can claim God as a fan. Yes, I’m talking about the Dallas Cowboys, that same team that made sure there was a hole in the roof of the stadium so the “all mighty” can catch a game and mix in some holy water and can proudly state that they are “America’s Team”  has been a fixture in my life since I was little. From the 8 Super Bowl appearances and 5 championship rings to the current state of things that usually has me muttering numerous bad words followed by “Bitch Tits” and again followed by more bad words after another fine 4th quarter performance the thing that stays constant is that no matter win or lose they are still my team year end and year out. Most fans of the game share in this same sentiment at the start of each season no matter who your team is because at the end of it all only one can be crowned champion. It’s the joy and agony every weekend from September to February that makes the NFL so great.  As Kickoff to the 2013 season starts Wednesday and continues through Monday night please take the time to enjoy a game, some beer and some good food because like all good things it will be gone before we know it…..Now queue that National Anthem.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this “all most start to harvest” Wednesday. Make It a good one and remember….”Hold my beer, I got this” will most likely be my last words. 

Friday, August 30, 2013

Mousketeers are not role models

Dear Miley Cyrus,

As someone who took in the spectacle that is the MTV Music Video Awards like millions of people around the globe I to was witness to the next great celebrity train wreck…..Miley Cyrus. Yes, that same Miley Cyrus who parent’s have made very wealthy with their numerous purchases of anything and everything Hannah Montana for their children are now cringing at the fact that the former Disney protégée is now singing about the hippie lettuce and molly while grinding against a married man dressed in the Men’s Warehouse latest “Beetle Juice” line of clothing. People have reacted in shock and anger at the antics of the latest Mouseketeer to go off the deep end once she was exposed to the freedom of adulthood. I want to let you in on something…..Miley Cyrus is not a role model. She is a 20 year old kid who is making the same mistakes that a lot of kids do just on a much bigger stage. Hit up any party or club in cities across America and you will be exposed to the exact same thing you saw on TV minus the dancing bears. It’s not her job to raise your kids it is yours as a parent. If you disagree with what she does on stage at her shows don’t go to them and stop buying your kids her albums and merchandise. It’s a simple idea….Tell your kid “NO”. It works like this; “Mommy, can I get the new Hannah Montana PCP flavored glow stick?” Simply respond with “NO”. See how simple yet so eloquent that is?  The more parents who follow this lead the less you will see of her. It is such a novel idea. It seems like I am always referring back to how a person was raised. Most child actors and musicians are thrust into the spotlight at a young age and are not giving the time or environment to grow up “normal” like the rest of us. There image is carefully cultivated by their parents to appeal to the segment of society who will bring in the largest profit at the expense of a well rounded childhood. Just because Billy Ray preaches about down home country living and God doesn't mean that’s how his kid was raised. It is an image that he wanted you to perceive, how achy breaky of him. I continue to wonder why people are appalled when they see something like this from a celebrity.  From Madonna faking sex acts on stage to Britney participating in foreplay with a python and now Miley trying to convince us that a constant tongue wag and an ass that has Hank Hill laughing is sexy and provocative there is always going to be another disaster waiting to happening courtesy of a misguided young celebrity. Years from now we will forget Miley’s performance just as we have forgotten the numerous jaw droppers that have come before her. There will always be someone new trying to push the envelope of what we call entertainment and sex and I’m hoping the next one doesn't resemble a Japanese animation experiment gone wrong…..Kate Upton did you hear me???

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this holiday weekend. With harvest starting next week this farmer is going to enjoy it with some cold beers, lake views and maybe some dove on the BBQ and remember…..The magic happens outside of your comfort zone. 

Friday, August 23, 2013

Highlights of Fall...Football, harvest and school

Dear college students,

There are a lot of reasons to love the season we call fall. The mild weather signals summer coming to a close and harvest is fast approaching. It brings with it meaningful baseball games and the kickoff of football season around the country. As I've driven around town recently I've been reminded of what else fall brings. Crowded stores, parents with a lack of direction when faced with one way streets, no parking spots within a 5 mile radius of downtown and numerous kids walking the streets dressed in the best outfit their tuition money could afford and accessorized with a backpack full of whatever cheap beer or booze they could smuggle out of their parents liquor cabinet or have a sibling purchase for them (I myself was a Keystone Light man). Yes folks it’s that time of year again and the landscape of college towns across America are starting to change.  School is back in session and as a resident of a college town you have to take the good and bad it brings. As one of the fortunate ones who were able to stay and find employment where I attended school there are always highlights to this time of the year for me. As mentioned before there is something about the mass migration of freshman who roam the streets in search of a party that may offer them free beer that puts a smile on my face. This is also the time of year when the newly minted 21 year old girls wait patiently in line at Riley’s wearing something that seems less revealing then their own naked bodies as the temperature dips below freezing and not a jacket in sight to warm them. If you had the pleasure of attending Chico State you know what I’m talking about. I would like to give sage advice to new and returning students everywhere. First, go to class and get good grades and participate in whatever your major offers. For most of you your parents have saved their whole lives to send you to school and give you the tools for to have a better life than they have. Take advantage of this because an education is something no one can take away from you. Secondly I recommend that you all step out of your comfort zone. You have been in a tiny bubble from elementary to high school. Expose yourself to new things that you may never have the chance to experience elsewhere. Finally, have fun! Go out and get drunk, hit up the parties and play some beer pong. Join a fraternity or sorority and don’t go home every weekend to see your old friends. Enjoy yourself and make mistakes along the way and if you were raised with the right values you will learn from this and use these lessons everyday in your life. So as the first weekend of freedom is upon us and you see a young looking fellow at your local drinking establishment rocking some blue plaid and a smile on his face, buy that man a beer and thank him because it just might be me….

PS. Happy Friday peeps and get a cocktail in your hand soon because you deserve it and remember…..According to chemistry alcohol is a solution. 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Downtown Chico: Summer destination of the homeless

Dear Chico City Council (yes you again),

It seems that I am always writing you concerning something but your actions continue to warrant my opinion. At your council meeting last night you chose to turn a blind eye on one of Chico’s biggest problems. In a 2 to 4 vote with one abstaining you shot down an ordinance that would have kept people from calling Chico’s downtown area home and using its sidewalks and business entrances as bedrooms from the hours of 7am till 11pm. I frequently visit the downtown area on the weekends and as I move from one drinking establishment to another and being one with future political aspirations I like to chat it up with my potential voters. Some of these people are the ones that litter every corner of the downtown area with sleeping bags and guitar in hand and a dog by their side. After numerous conversations I’ve learned that the majority of Chico’s homeless are not there for unforeseen circumstances but by their own choice. Yes people, most of them come from good homes and just want to live the “free life”. It’s not that their parents didn't hug them enough; it’s that they didn't spank them enough. These same people who could be productive members of society are drinking, smoking the hippie lettuce, leaving trash and harassing the numerous people of this town who try to stimulate its economy. Instead of voting this ordinance into law and giving them 16 hours every day to go out and find a job and actually contribute to society you've giving them reason to celebrate. I know there are exceptions to my argument. Mental illness is a horrible thing and can strike anyone and I’m all for helping someone who is down on their luck. The news is full of stories everyday of someone who ended up on the streets and fought their way back from the brink. The key message to this is that they took advantage of the help they were offered. Ask one of the many who call Broadway or Main street home at night if they would like a job and they laugh at you and ask you instead to drop a dollar in the hat for their next bottle of cheap booze or sack of Humboldt’s finest and why do most of them have dogs? If you have to live on the streets you by no means can afford to feed a pet. People who own businesses in downtown Chico along with towns across America put their heart and souls into them. It’s their way of life. Why is it that the homeless continue to dictate if there businesses succeed or fail? The more this issue is left alone the more Chico store owners suffer. It continues to add to the problems that are chasing people away from this town that has seen its charm fade as it turns into just another spot on the map. I call on business owners, locals, students and alumni to show the city council that we want the town back they continue to take away from us….We are Chico, California

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this southern weather having afternoon and remember….You don’t have to like my politics, you just have to agree with them. 

Friday, August 16, 2013

Values according to Ashton Kutcher

Dear Ashton Kutcher,

You know when you least expect it Hollywood goes and surprises you with another blockbuster and no I’m not talking about the latest in big budget flops that many of the studios have decided to crank out and call entertainment yet are more deserving of the straight to DVD bin that they are eventually destined for.  I’m talking about the speech that Ashton Kutcher delivered at the Teen Choice Awards on Sunday. If you failed not to catch it, in a Reagan-ish performance that lasted just under five minutes he laid out the framework that every person should follow from their childhood to being an adult on how to be successful in a lifetime. His three main points were as followed:
1.       Opportunity looks a lot like hard work.
2.       Intelligence is sexy.
3.       Build a life, don’t live one.  
They are so simple yet so eloquent and powerful. For the most part actors and actresses fail as role models because of numerous scandals, run-ins with the law, drug arrests or choosing to appear in public with Kim Kardashian.  Ashton is by no means a choir boy and has made his fare share of mistakes in his life time just as the rest of us have (yes even me). He though it seems to learn from these setbacks and move forward and this can be traced back to his upbringing. Raised by middle class, hard working parents with conservative values in Iowa they instilled in him those same values that make him the person that he is today. Yes, America, they chose to raise their kid to respect hard work, to know right from wrong and there are rewards and consequences for everything you do. Yes, it is such a novel concept. These simple values that parent should emphasize to their children everyday would make this world that much better of a place. I’m not saying it’s going to make them President or someday find the cure for cancer but it might keep them out of rehab or jail. Chris, I've always been a fan from the days of you thwarting aliens and getting the girl with the “Stifmeister” all the while trying to find where you parked that elusive car of yours dude to you rolling with Fez and the rest of the crew in Red’s basement. Through it all you have always stayed true to your roots and values. Keep up the good work and I hope you didn't just punk myself and the rest of the world…..Because I really would hate to see Dax Sheppard make a comeback.

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this hot August day. I hope you all have a great weekend filled with ice cold cocktails and some paleo friendly BBQ and remember….When life hands you lemons make history. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Remember when boys weren't allowed to use the ladies room

Dear Jerry Brown,

In high school I never had to stop and think to myself which bathroom I should use. It has been pretty straight forward for me and the rest of society that if you had a penis you went in the door marked “men” and if you had a vagina you used the door marked “women” to take care of your business. Recent legislation signed into law by Governor Brown has gone and turned something so simple into a perplexing choice. The law states that California’s public school districts cannot “bar a student from a single-sex setting such as bathrooms, sports teams or locker rooms” (out of state friends once again I can’t make this stuff up). So what you are trying to say that if I’m feeling my feminine side I can stroll into the ladies locker room and participate in whatever activity is planned for that day and then hit the showers with them to clean up before my next class? I’m saying where was this law when I was in high school?! Another advantage of this law that I missed out on was the athletic aspect. If I was allowed to play for the girls basketball team I could have definitely been all state or being an avid fan of volleyball I know that I could have helped the women’s team and would have looked damn good in those orange bloomers. Whether you are a guy and you like Kate Upton or have feelings for Bradley Cooper or a girl who fancy’s Chanum Tatum or has a poster of Blake Lively on your wall you were born that way. Being born either a male or female and wanting to be transformed into the opposite sex goes against what Mother Nature created and no logic can defend this as narrow minded as it sounds. It takes the science of hormone treatment and modern surgery to change what you were born with and therefore it’s called a “choice”. Also ask yourself who does this law really benefit? There are already laws in place for students who are still trying to decide if they should go through life as Mike or Michelle that prevents them from being discriminated against. This opens the doors for what will be a free-for-all for everyone’s favorite species the lawyer. The California public school system is already in decay with a lack of funds and adding numerous lengthy and expensive lawsuits to it because Johnny wants to play women’s tennis or Sarah wants to use the men’s room will be to the determent of the youth who attend class every single day. Let’s get back to the basics of what our educational system was created for. For kids to not only get a free quality education but also to learn about themselves and enjoy the comradely of their peers whether it be in the classroom, stage or on the ball field……I still think I would have looked good in those bloomers.

PS. Happy hump day peeps and I hope you are having a splendid day and remember….Sometimes let her know that she looks like Christmas morning. 

Friday, August 9, 2013

Two words that can end a business...labor unions

Dear Labor Unions,
There are a lot of words that you can say that will offend a person and if you know me I use quite a few of these in my everyday vocabulary. I do filter myself when I’m in the presence of adults who are enjoying my company for the first time and children but for the most part you get me raw and uncut. There are certain words that I chose not to use because the very thought of them repulse me and I know you find it hard to believe but yes I do get offended. Last night on my downtown to enjoy another Thursday conquered with a celebratory cocktail I was interrupted by a phone call from a close friend who continued to upset me and turn my mood from joy to anger by repeating the most offensive words in the English language…..Labor unions. Yes, I’m talking about the same labor union that is defined my Webster’s as: “an organization of workers formed for the purpose of advancing its members' interests in respect to wages, benefits, and working conditions” but in reality makes money for the ones put in power while the people they represent continue to gain little benefit as the businesses they work for fail as they succumb to outrageous demands. Let me paint a picture for you about the evil of unions that you should already be all too familiar with after seeing the government take over numerous automakers and Detroit go bankrupt along with the Twinkie finally meeting its demise which for the record no one predicted could ever happen. This aforementioned business currently employs 15 people and pumps over 3 million dollars into its local economy every year. The employees who are mostly Hispanic and some lacking a high school education take home close to $60,000 per year doing a job that simply requires them to have a valid driver’s license, very little manual labor and the ability to back up a truck. The business owner was recently approached by a labor union representative and told that he had been talking to his employees and that they were going to ratify and join. He was then told that if he did not go along with this it would cost him hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees that he doesn’t have.  If he chooses to give in to their demands and the employees become union members it will cost him around $150,000 per year in benefit packages under the Teamsters “plan 10”. Yes, that same loveable group that helped Jimmy Hoffa relocate his office to under the end zone at Giants Stadium. With a business whose profit margin sits around 4% this added cost would likely cause it to close its doors, thus leaving the people who work there unemployed and also affecting numerous families and other businesses who rely on the services it provides. Unions continue to stifle businesses and do the exact opposite of what they were formed to do. Instead of creating opportunities for the American worker, they close them while the people in charge line their pockets with profit.  Working conditions today are a far cry from what Upton Sinclair wrote about over 100 years ago (FYI he was a Socialist also…I’m just saying). In today’s economy, business owners both small and large need to take a stand whether it be at the local, state or federal level and let labor unions know who is really in charge, the person who takes that risk of starting a business and providing much needed jobs for the people of this country….Now if I could just get Clint Eastwood to narrate this we may have the start of something special.

PS. Happy Friday peeps, I hope you get out and enjoy that weekend and remember….England’s greatest gift to the world was the United States…Merica. 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Hard work...the original performance enhancing drug

Dear Major League Baseball PED users,

We all have dreams as children of what we want to be when we grown up. Some kids want to be firefighters and policemen while others dream of being doctors and pilots. If you were a boy growing up in America at a time when spankings were doled out as punishment instead of timeouts and you recited the Pledge of Allegiance before class started every morning in elementary school I’m betting my Powerball winnings tonight that you at one point you wanted to be a professional baseball player. There is just something about the crack of the bat, the smell of leather or a game of catch with your dad that’s magical. The late 90’s and early 2000’s where considered by many at the time to be baseball’s “power” age. Sluggers such as Barry Bonds, Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire were treating pitchers as if it was afternoon batting practice and marveled at homeruns that were once only possible with the ping of an aluminum bat. Fans and owners alike didn’t blink an eye when these same players who the previous season had physiques of a man built to swing a bat were all of a sudden now looking like they belonged in a wrestling ring. Eventually the brain trust in baseball along with Congress caught on and began to rid the game of the drug addicts that were tainting it. As baseball fans we thought those days were now behind us and we could enjoy the game again in all its purity. Recent actions by some of MLB’s top talent including probably the most gifted player to play the game have once again showed us that “if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying”. Not being the most gifted talent athletically I used the gift that God gave us all….Hard work. My Cream was endless hours of practice and my Clear was my desire to not fail. Numerous athletes out there and most current major leaguers share this same sentiment with me.  Why is it that so many think it’s ok to cheat at the risk of tarnishing a legacy of a lifetime?  Does that extra million mean that much to you that you would risk having to tell your kids that daddy’s a fraud? The words “hero” and “role model” get throwing around a lot when it comes to athletes. I’ve always said that you can find hero’s every day whether it is the farmer who brings food to your table or the neighbor who volunteers for anything that is needed. Just like any profession there are people that will fail you but like with anything the good will always rise to the top. Give me a beer drinking, Copenhagen dipping .300 hitter that hustles to the first base on a routine pop up and I will show you a fan with a smile on his face and willingness to spend $10 on a beer and $20 on a hot dog. So cheers to all of you out there in the minors or currently in big’s who are doing it the right way, keep up the hard work and we will keep cheering….Play ball!

PS. As a now famous camel once said; “Happy Hump Day!” peep make it a good one and remember….Bad decisions make great stories. Fact. 

Friday, August 2, 2013

Chico...Let's take back our party town

Dear City of Chico,

Many things can define the American dream. Some of the opportunities that this country affords an individual are the right to a free education, the ability to go to college, buying a home and to open your own business. Recently actions taking by the City of Chico and its police chief have made me question if I still live in the “land of the free and the home of the brave”. A proposal this week was presented to a subcommittee of the Chico City Council that greatly restricts a business owner be it a bar, restaurant or liquor store to operate let alone survive. Some of the proposed restrictions include prohibiting “happy hours”, banning alcohol advertisements from public view, no sales of alcohol in bottles or cans and no sales of booze and beer after 11pm. I know you are all reading this and saying to yourself; “All these years he’s been telling us he grows rice but after reading this, he has to be growing that hippie lettuce and sampling it himself.” No folks this still drug free future congressman cannot make this stuff up. Why is it that the people that we vote into power continue to fail us? Preventing businesses the opportunity to succeed is not the way towards economical growth for Chico. As you continue to blame drinking and the numerous establishments that serve alcohol the city continues to fall deeper into despair. The sidewalks are littered with homeless people that harass the patrons of downtown, people continue to be stabbed on a nightly basis and it is not safe to walk anywhere alone for fear of being mugged. The crime rate continues to increase in this town and I know it’s not from some drunk kid stumbling home after a Buck Night with a burrito in his hand and a hope that the girl he spent all that money on actually gave him her real phone number but yet the police and the city council keep piling the blame on alcohol. I have some ideas that will promote an actual solution to the so-called “problem” that drinking as become:
1st. Address the actual problem that this city has….illegal drugs. Drunks don’t   attack people and stab them, people hopped up on meth and other of Oroville’s finest elixirs do.
2nd. Leave established businesses alone and give new ones the opportunity to   thrive. Let the public decide if they can make it or fail.
3rd. Buck Nights and other drink specials that can be found in any city don’t kill people irresponsible people kill themselves. Take responsibility for yourself, it is something you should have been taught at an early age.
4th. Business leaders of this town need to take a stand against elected officials. This town gets its character from the people who call it home.
As someone who was one of the lucky ones who attended college here and had the opportunity to stay and call Chico home it is sad to see what makes this town special being taking away from us. I’m asking locals, students and alumni to show your support and show the city council, the police chief and President Zingg who runs this town….We the people. Go Wildcats!

PS. Happy Friday peeps and sorry for coming up short on hump day. Enjoy your weekend and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do and remember….Stop making stupid people famous. 

Friday, July 26, 2013

KCCO brought to you by our 41st President

Dear George H.W. Bush,
With all the negativity that goes on in the world today it’s always nice to reflect on the things that are good out there. Some that come to mind are your child hitting his or hers first little league homerun or when you see a stranger graciously helping an elderly person cross the road or with bags they may be carrying. People do kind acts everyday such as these but they go unnoticed to the rest of society because they are not considered headlines in today’s hustle and bustle world.  It was a breath of fresh air to open up the paper today and see that amongst all the royal baby headlines and Al Sharpton trying to stay relevant with yet another march (I can see how he lost all his weight now) was a story about the matriarch of the Bush family, former president George H.W. Bush. Recently the 2 year old son of one of his security detail was stricken with leukemia and had begun to lose his hair because of the cancer treatment. As a show of support for the child whose name is Patrick, the 89 year former Commander in Chief along with the rest of his security team shaved their heads in solidarity. This wasn’t just a way for the 41st President of our country to stay relevant with a donation and a photo op. He and Barbara lost their 2nd child to the devastating disease over 60 years ago and understand the toll it takes on a family. The support that one can give in these situations no matter if it’s of the monetary form or by a gesture of unity can do wonders for the human spirit. The KCCO mentality is a good motto to live by and if you don’t know what I’m talking about you need to put down the bag phone and trade in that typewriter that you are pecking away on and experience some of the best the world has to offer of “paying it forward”. Random acts of kindness go a long way in this drinking game we call life and I want to salute the President for reminding me of it and that you don’t have to have a telethon or a camera crew with you to do it. Next time you find yourself out to dinner and it comes to leaving a tip or see a neighbor who may be down on his luck or just a stranger at the bar who looks like a beer would make there day, follow the lead of W’s pops and do something to put a smile on their face…The next time it just might be you.
PS. Happy Friday peeps on this extremely warm day in God’s Country. I hope you all have an amazing weekend as I’m off to the mountains for yet another wedding that’s not mine and remember….Do everything as if it’s your last cocktail.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Bangers, beans and the royal baby

Dear royal baby,
The news this week is full of headlines that are relevant to people around the nation. Some examples are: “Federal minimum wage goes four years without budging” which covers the money issues some families are facing in these trying economic times. Another one read; “Snowden to remain in transit zone of Moscow Airport for now” ok, that takes care of the problems in Washington. Let’s see what else is out there that is important to the world today??? hmmmmm…..Oh, what’s this??? “Harry’s less cool brother and wife give birth to their first child.”……Wait a second?! How is this noteworthy to anybody other than the people of Great Britain? Why is it that a baby being born to a monarchy that hasn’t been relevant since the advent of wooden ships is so noteworthy in this day and age? If I was a card carrying member of Russell Brand’s homeland I would not be rejoicing for another royal to join the list of numerous underachievers that come from a family tree that resembles something out of the South with its lack of branches than one that symbolizes the rulers of a country that is known more for its bad weather and brown golf courses. The royal family cost England to the tune of $310 million dollars per year and grows with each new member. The country must pray every time there is a story of Harry naked along with numerous strippers and not a condom in sight. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a total hater when it comes to the red jackets. It has always been my belief that if everyone spoke with a British accent life would be much jollier and if every sentence ended with “that’s rubbish” people would smile just a little more. I just don’t see what all the fuss is about over Charlie and Di’s grandchild. 361,000 babies are born each day in the United States. Yes, that same country that thumbed its nose to the monarchy across the pond thus creating the nation that has dominating world affairs since 1776 and not a single one of them got airtime on the Today Show (there is a no touching policy of interns Matt…FYI). Out of that number numerous ones will grow up to be doctors, policeman, farmers or any other of the various professions out there and contribute much more to society than the yet unnamed bundle of joy. Speaking of that let’s all hope that Kate and Wills stick to the basics and not try to one up the Hamburgler and Kanye. I myself am voting for Carlos because I can picture it now….They say it rains in London a lot but just wait till Uncle Harry hits up Las Vegas with nephew and paparazzi  in tow and not a strip club in site that hate on the Euro….Long live the King.
PS. Happy hump day peeps! woot woot! Hope you are having a marvelous day and remember….Whiskey is just sunlight held together by water.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Drink tokens, salad's and rodeo

Dear Salinas Rodeo,
One of the greatest country music artists of our time Garth Brooks once sang; “It’s the ropes and reins the joy and the pain and they call the thing rodeo.”  If I didn’t have to worry about trademark and infringement rights, lawyers and Chris Gaines himself hunting me down and punish me by making me wear one of those shirts that even the Bieb’s wouldn’t go out in I would change those famous words for one weekend to; “It’s the Crown and the valley cold the Blasters and the good friends and some hoes and they call the thing the Salinas Rodeo” Yes it’s that time of year when the majority of people in the “Worlds Salad Bowl” break out the starched shirts, creased jeans and those amazing pointy toe boots to go along with the best cowboy hat that $20 can buy at the local Mercado and enjoy a week of what might be America’s true national pastime. For me it’s about not only getting to see some of the best athletes in the world perform and I’m not just talking about the human kind. I’m also talking about the horses, calves and bulls that train and compete at the highest level and are humble enough not  to stroll to the beer garden after a failed ride or round with their entry number still pinned to their back trying to consume whatever free drink will be passed their way and try to convince the fine ladies in attendance that yes they are really ranked in the top 10 in the world and just because they have a patch on their shirt that says they are sponsored by “Oroville Dentistry Services” doesn’t mean that they didn’t  fly in on a private jet with Ty Murray to get there. It’s also about seeing good friend, extended family and enjoying all that the Salinas Valley and Monterey Coast has to offer. It’s always a pleasure as I fight my way thorough churro vendors, taco stands and an occasional country music performance trying not to spill my $10 beers along the way to run into people that I only usually get to see during rodeo time. Rodeo’s like Salinas bring the real America out in masses and show the pride that the sport and the people that follow it exhibit.  People from all socially economic backgrounds come together in one spot to celebrate and cheer on the competitors win or lose. So if you find yourself at the rodeo grounds this weekend and make your way to the Crown Royal tent I have a pocket full of those gold coins they call drink tokens and say hi, because the next ones on me…Yeee Hawww!!!
PS. Happy Friday peeps and enjoy your weekend. It’s going to be hot in God’s Country so get by some water with a cold drink in your hand and remember….You’re not addicted to cocaine, you just enjoy the way it smells.