Thursday, August 28, 2014

ISIS...We are the United States, have you heard of us???

Dear ISIS (Islamic state of Iraq and Syria),

Let me present to you a simple question….Haven’t you learned from those that came before you?  History is filled with numerous terrorist organizations like yourselves who use hate, fear, murder, manipulation and propaganda in an attempt at world tyranny. In case you may have forgot, let me refresh your memory along with the results of each of their actions:

1.       Nazi Germany: FAIL.
2.       Dr. Evil: FAIL. (sharks with lasers almost was our downfall)
3.       Al Qaeda: FAIL.
4.       Insert any Islamic group here: FAIL.

You are no different than your predecessors other than the fact that you have mastered the art of social media and its power from a cave. You continue to taunt us with televised be-headings of journalists and the abduction of American’s volunteering in relief efforts in war torn regions of the middle east along with the killing of your own people, who wouldn't conform to your Islamic (there’s that word again) beliefs all in the name of Allah. With all these heinous deeds what do you think you are going to accomplish? To borrow a phrase from every celebrity or athlete who has ever been pulled over by the police….Don’t you know who we are??? It is time for a Lee Greenwood, Toby Keith, Hank Williams Jr. moment (parental discretion advised)….We are the United States of America. For 238 years we have been “thee” world super power, along with coming to the aid of our allies on every continent. We have two world war wins to our credit and have been victorious in numerous conflicts across the globe. It took us just over a month to invade and conquer the very country that you derive your name from while it was under control of the most powerful dictator of the last 30 years. What do you think you are going to accomplish with your actions other than transforming the mud huts and mountain lairs you call home to rubble? I would also like to send a special shout out to the Americans who side with ISIS’s cause of killing innocent men, women and children and denounce a country who has given it every opportunity to succeed by traveling to far off locals in an attempt to bring harm to the United States and our allies. Let us save you the cost of a plane ticket to those paradise like destinations such as Iraq and Syria and fast track you to those 72 virgins you are so looking forward to seeing. Whoooooa……..Tanks, bald eagles, hamburgers, stars and stripes and football!!! Sometimes my love for my country overtakes rational thought, but I’m a proud American and will never apologize for that. The point I’m trying to make in the most patriotic way possible is that your actions are only moving you closer to your demise which in the grand scheme of things is better for the rest of us. So keep up the good work, we are looking forward to adding you as another notch on the United States bed post….Merica.

PS. Happy last Thursday of August peeps, make it an outstanding one and remember…..If liberals hate you, you’re doing something right.

#ISIS #Iraq #Syria #beheadings #USA #empireliving 

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Taming Las Vegas...Round 2

Dear Las Vegas,

Things that may or may not have happened last time I visited you:

1.       The liquor store on the way to the Bellagio was liquidated of all forms and sizes of Tito’s.
2.       You do not get upgraded to the rain man suite if you drop the name “Cosby” or “black dog”.
3.       Win $1,000 at the roulette table using the “5 step” full proof plan to winning that never fails.
4.       Lose $1,200 at the roulette table using the “5 step” full proof plan to winning that never fails.
5.       Remove all the furniture from your suite (I have no idea how we ended up with one) to the elevator and then ride that elevator up and down and ask people at every floor when the door opens; “What are you doing in my room?” This scares Asian people quite possibly more than Godzilla.
6.       Order room service consisting of plate after plate of bacon and Pacifico’s for breakfast. (This is actually a fabulous idea anywhere I might add.)
7.       Once again Cosby’s fame has not reached Las Vegas. Dropping his name at the club does not get you a table and bottle service. (We need to work on this)
8.       Spend day at the pool surrounded by Canadian women and letting them know there are much better clothing options other than denim and plaid while also expounding on how lucky they are to be America’s hat. (I know, charmer right?)
9.       Contemplate marrying a Canadian beauty and thus being able to experience what free health care is really like and also securing a lifetime supply of maple syrup only to be left on the way to the alter to an offer by the would be maid of honor of a new pair of heals at Gucci for the bride to be.  
10.    Realizing that $2 will get you a double top shelf vodka and lemon in Chico but will only get you a couple of ice cubes in your drink in Vegas.

I’ve given Las Vegas a year to pick itself up off the floor and lick the wounds that were delivered to it courtesy of my last visit and will be making my triumph return to this mistake in the desert in a few short days with some unfinished business from the last trip yet to be accomplished. If you own, frequent or live near some these following attractions this is your warning…

1.       Walk into club and pass umbrellas out to all in attendance and inform them that, yes it maybe August, but rain is in the forecast.
2.        Pump numerous rounds of ammo through a plethora of automatic weapons why sipping on a cocktail at one of Vegas’s famous ranges and experience what it’s like to be Dan Bilzerian for a brief moment. (Men, if you don’t know who this is, turn in your card)
3.       Be Kate Upton’s drunken mistake. (You hear that Justin Verlander??? Who’s got the better fastball now?)
4.       Sit in a cabana by the pool and have the likes of Leo and the Bieb’s ask themselves just who is that guy?

You’ve got have goals peeps…….

PS. Happy hump day from God’s Country peeps, enjoy it and remember…. Anything less than your “A” game is a failing grade.

#LasVegas #Vegas #Barsottibachelorparty #idiots #empireliving 

Friday, August 15, 2014

Death, riots and looting...Yep sounds like Middle America

Dear Ferguson, Missouri residents,

A tragedy occurred last Saturday in a small community outside of St. Louis. Now it’s not a tragedy because Michael Brown is black, a child and was unarmed when he died like the newswires and social media continues to report on. It’s a tragedy because someone lost their life. There are always two sides to every story in life and this is no different. When the incident took place people were quick to blame law enforcement with the cries of police brutality and the murder of an innocent citizen along with justice must be served. A picture was carefully painted to us that Michael Brown was an innocent black child walking home with a friend and was gunned down in cold blood by a white police officer in plain daylight. But wait….You’re telling me there is more to this story??? You don’t say??? Recent information has now surfaced that Michael Brown and his friend were suspects in a strong-armed robbery that had just taking place at a convenient store. There is also evidence to suggest that there was a confrontation between Mr. Brown and the officer and a struggle for the policeman’s gun. His current state was not the one of the child that is provided to you by the media. He was an 18 year old man who weighed close to three bills. So what side do you believe? I’m putting my money on is the untold story. We are too quick to judge and take sides as a society. Just because an idiot (Note to people reading my literature for the first time, I love that word) of Al Sharpton’s stature gets on a soap box every time there is a headline that involves the words “black”, “racism” and “exposure” do you need to fall in line with his beliefs. Let the process play out and form an opinion once all the facts are presented to you. The reaction to the events that took place I will never understand. Why do people find it necessary to riot, burn and loot the place you call home? It doesn’t show an act of solidarity coming together as a community, it demonstrates to the world that you are an uncivilized heathen or in better terms an idiot. Please tell me how does stealing TV’s, booze, Nikes, etc. and then setting fire to a building bring Michael Brown back???...It doesn’t. This followed by the response of tear gas and heavily armed officers in riot gear and armored vehicles had me doing a double take to make sure I was still living in America. When I think of the Midwest, corn, factories and bad football come to mind not Beirut or Baghdad. At the end of the day a life was lost which by any means is sad. Let’s just remember that we live in a country where we are innocent until proven guilty or have we all been quick to forget about that fact…..

PS. Happy Friday peeps, I drank Bud Light last night so pardon me on the briefness of this post and remember….Everybody has soul, it’s the ones who dance that are special.

#Ferguson #michaelbrown #stlouis #riots #empireliving

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Talking & listening: A better alternative to depression

Dear Robin Williams,

Loving wife….Check.
3 children….Check.
102 acting credits….Check.
54 entertainment awards….Check.
1 Oscar….Check.
$5.16 billion dollars in total box office receipts….Check.  
Loved by millions of fans….Check.

Now if you ask me, all these above things are pretty good. It illustrates someone who has made it spiritually, socially and professionally in life. Apparently Robin Williams didn’t think so. We all have demons inside of us that we struggle with and face challenges every day in life. Not one person who is reading this can say to themselves that at some point and time they didn’t wonder if the world would be a better place if they left, be it triggered by pain or stress from family, work, a relationship or just everyday occurrences. Suicide is a horrible thing and I’ve always said it’s a copout for dealing with your problems. It is a selfish act that affects your family, friends and loved ones and is a burden that they have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Depression and addiction is what we as society blame when a tragedy like this takes place. Depression affects us all. It can be triggered by numerous situations that we encounter in life and we all have distinctive ways to deal with the struggles of it. Some drink there problems away why others go for a run or hit the weights. You may open a good book alone when feeling down or chose to surround yourself with company while some may seek medical attention for it through the form of a prescription. There are two distinct and lost art forms that people in this day and age of disconnect with text messages, emails and social media that we fail to utilize when the struggles of life starts to take its toll on us……Talking and listening. Now it seems so simple but for some it isn’t. People fail to open up to others for fear of getting judged and therefore hurt more. Trusting and confiding in someone is a huge step which I struggle with myself. Finding that person or group that you can opening up to is a huge step in self-preservation. While the majority of us are fluent when it comes to chatting up someone we fail at the latter in listening. Whether male or female most of us want to try and fix the problem right away when all the person wants at the time is for someone to lend an ear. If there is a lesson that I’ve learned that has benefited me most in life, it is to know when someone is looking for answers or just needs an audience (guys, you might want to write that down). The power of human interaction at an intimate level of conversation can do more for the soul then any form of pill out there folks. Next time when you are feeling down find that special someone you can talk to whether it be a family member, friend, loved one, etc. and if that doesn’t work do what I do sometimes, check out a Walmart on a Sunday morning. 20 minutes there will make you realize that your life pretty damn awesome…..

PS. I hope you are having a great Tuesday peeps, hug someone today, they’ll appreciate it and remember…..”Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money” – RW…….

#robinwilliams #suicide #depression #empireliving 

Friday, August 8, 2014

Judging...The art of the high school reunion

Dear high school reunion,

Some fun facts and items of interest that occurred in my youth:

1.       The world was introduced to Forrest Gump and The Lion King.  
2.       The man who ruined music by popularizing the “grunge” movement Kurt Cobain, decided that turning his head into a block of Swiss cheese was a better option than being famous.  
3.       The Wonderbra was invented, thus introducing the male population to the term “false advertisement”.
4.       O.J. Simpson, better known as “The Juice” ushered in the advent of “reality TV” with his famous low speed car chase in Los Angeles after transforming his ex-wife and her friend into human Pez dispensers…..Allegedly.
5.       The Dallas Cowboys were Super Bowl champions. (This was obviously pre-Bitch Tits)
6.       Beverly Hills 90210 and Melrose Place were must watch TV. (Let Donna Martin graduate!)
7.       Before R. Kelly was using under aged girls as restrooms he was topping the charts with a lil Bump and Grind.
8.       Garth Brooks dominated radio and country music and had yet to introduce us to Chris Gaines.
9.       Woodland Wolves football and baseball ruled the high school landscape. (Orange Crush!)
10.   If you had a pager you weren’t a drug dealer you were cool. If you had a cell phone you were rich.

If you are asking yourself why I am enlighten you with these tid-bits from my early youth, Saturday marks my next high school reunion and with it comes the anticipation of good times, memories and catching up with a lot of people that have not connected for some time. Your second reunion is always the one that you look forward to the most. Your first one whether it’s five years or ten comes at a point in your life when you are just really getting your footing and establishing yourself in the world. Jobs are new, family are starting and homes are being purchased for the first time. The second is where we are presumed to be in the “prime” of our lives and you take a long look at people and see what they’ve made of themselves in life….Yes, it is when you will be judged. People will look at you and question why you’re not married, why you have or not have kids, how come you’ve been divorced, why are you married to that girl or guy or why you are dating him or her. They will question what you do for a living in an attempt to see if they are doing as well as you are and visa-versa. Now in this day and age of Facebook and other social media avenues it’s much easier to follow peoples live that you grew up with and stay in touch but it still doesn’t take the place of the human aspect that face to face conversation brings you. People will ask you about “regrets” and “what if’s”. My answer to this is we all have them no matter what you may think. It is how we learn life lessons and better ourselves and you move forward and don’t look back on them. I can proudly say I have lived my life to the fullest thus far. I’ve succeeded, failed, laughed, cried and have had a hell of a time along the way and look forward to all that the future brings. So as I roll up to the event come Saturday night in my Ferrari, tipping with Benjamin’s and Kate Upton by my side I’m not worrying about the “what if’s” that most of us ask ourselves because I’m right where I belong….

PS. Happy Friday peeps and I hope you find yourself enjoying an ice cold beverage this weekend, make it a good one and remember…..Cocktails are always in good spirits. Coincidence??? I think not.

#Woodland #highschool #classreunion #empireliving

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

My continued fascination with mainstream country music

Dear 2014 CMA Music Fest,

My Tuesdays are like most everyone’s. I work, go to the gym, cook dinner and watch some TV. This is pretty standard for me on most weeknights. After dinner I found myself sitting on the couch, so I grabbed the remote to see what the best is that $79.99 of Comcast has to offer. Some talent show…No. Dudes catching crab, smoking and yelling at each other. Tempting, but again no. The next click brought me to the 2014 CMA Music Fest. Now you all know my distaste for mainstream country but I found myself not wanting to change the channel. My mind was torn, I’ve done so many reviews on Nashville country another one just would be a repeat of the previous, but I couldn’t help myself but watch it in its entirety, it is almost like I suffer from Stockholm syndrome when it comes to this genera of music. It is because of this, for your pleasure I present my 2014 CMA Music Fest review:

1.       Nashville has become keen to my likes. They start the show with not just one but two hot blondes trying to sway my hate for mainstream country. It is as if I’ve become the hunted.
2.       Carrie Underwood, that box of crackers is still sitting next to my bed.
3.       No dice. The next act is that boy band from the south. You need to build momentum in order to change my opinion. Know your audience.
4.       Still I try, but I can find no hate for Blake Shelton.
5.       It looks like Tim McGraw has contracted the Ebola virus. My prayers are with you.
6.       It’s currently 8:30pm and I’m in Chico so for the record that fat d-bag singing “Happy” is not me. My god, introduce yourself to something green and some cardio son.
7.       A song titled “Day Drinking”. I’ve finally found something Nashville related I can get behind.
8.       Hunter Hayes, stuttering through a song and wearing a white t-shirt and jeans doesn’t make you a country star, it makes you a pledge. Now get me a beer.
9.       I am pretty sure that Jason Aldean is the guy who checked my ID at the Crazy Horse last weekend.
10.   If I am a reporter covering Nashville and mainstream country I’m posting up at the nearest Baby Gap in the jeans section.
11.   Why doesn’t Taylor Swift take a swipe at Tim McGraw’s pants?
12.   Tim, I like you but at no time should your wife, especially when she is Faith Hill be bigger than you. You know the whole salad and cardio thing??? Forget about it and find some doughnuts.
13.   An hour into yet another country show and no sign of Taylor or Hootie. Vodka is still in the cupboard and remote safely on the coffee table.
14.   Eric Church must be catching on. Deciding not to paint your pants on as a man is a good thing.
15.   People who reside in both Florida and Georgia are seeking new residency.
16.   I’ve found what happened to Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit fame. He is now performing under the stage name Brantley Gilbert. It’s all about the nookie folks.
17.   2 hours into the show and the only cowboy hat to be seen was on the guy that checks ID’s at the Crazy Horse. This is a country show right?
18.   Add black wife beaters to the Nashville starter kit.
19.   Do you think Zac Brown’s ears are actually cold?
20.   Sometime if you throw enough mud against a wall something will stick. Literally was the best rendition of “Dead or Alive” that I’ve ever heard.
21.   80’s hairband metal has infiltrated itself into mainstream country. I am seriously confused by your tactics.
22.   Brad Paisley, I’ve run out of witty comments concerning your hat.
23.   Trucks, parking lots and now planes. Mainstream country is fixing to run out of places to get drunk at.
24.   Justin Moore, I have no idea who you are or care to know but playing with Motley Crue just helped your cause.
25.   3 hours and 4 cowboy hats...Yep, this once again screams country.
26.   They inform me they’ve saved the best for last. Hootie then appears on my screen. To tired and cash poor to insert another remote into the TV. Going to bed. Night. Night…..

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this muggy first week of August. Make it a good one and remember….Confidence smiles and arrogance smirks and no one has ever found smirking attractive.

#CMA #musicfest #Nashville #mainstreamcountry #empireliving

Friday, August 1, 2014

Society's answer to everything....Take a pill

Dear Medication of America,

You’re having sleepless nights…..Take a pill.
The stress of life is too much for you to handle…..Take a pill.
The kids are constantly full of energy and won’t listen….Give them a pill.

Are you starting to see a pattern here that we have as a society fallen into???...The advancement of modern medicine and its effect on the world as we know it today is probably mankind’s greatest achievement of the last 100 years. With it has come the eradications of diseases such as polio and the discoveries of both antibiotics and other lifesaving compounds that has increased the life span and quality of life for the human race. With all the good that modern medicine has brought us there is also a downside to it. As medicine has continued to advance, the cure for all our issues in life has come down to taking a pill. Like most things, we in the United States like to do things bigger and better than the rest of the world. A study conducted recently stated that over 70% of Americans are on some type of prescription drug. Wait, it gets better because that same study showed that 20% took five or more pills a day but that’s not all folks, over 14% of the population is on some form of antidepressants. I would like to say that these numbers astonish me but it takes a lot to do that these days. I’m affected by two disorders that if they were brought forth to a physician, would be prescribed medication to control. I suffer from what would be described in medical terms as both OCD and ADD. Shocking right to those of you who are close to me? (Insert joke here). On any given day I will find myself walking into a room more than once to make sure everything is in perfect order or as I walk out the front door turning to see that the rug is perfectly aligned between the outline of the tile. My clothes have to be ironed everyday no matter if it’s for a wedding or going to the duck blind. I fidget constantly with things, especially my phone and can’t sit still for a long amounts of time and given a certain task I am “rain man” like in accomplishing it at first, but will lose focus a lot of times. Obviously I need medication to control this…..WRONG. I have found other avenues to help with these and other issues and it doesn’t call for popping a pill. I’ve learned that things like exercise, sports, reading, writing (your welcome), surrounding myself with amazing people and most of all just constantly working on correcting these things have served me well in life with dealing with these issues. Now I’m not saying that all of life’s problems can be solved like this. There are certain mental and physical disorders that require medication, but us as a society need to realize that when someone is having a bad day they don’t need a prescription.
So a little advise from Dr. Monroe on a Friday….

If you’re having a sleepless night….Exercise.
The stress of life is getting to you…..Have a drink or two. (I may recommend 4 in some cases)
Your kids are bouncing off the walls and are not listening to you….Take away the computer and exile them to the outdoors to run around and cause mischief, trust me they will like it.

Now that’s free advise that Dr. Oz isn’t even handing out….

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this hot first day of August, have an amazing weekend and remember….If she makes you a mixtape, that my friend is a keeper.

#pills #america #medication #droz #ADD #OCD #empireliving