Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The downfall of big goverment

Dear US Government,
With March 1st a few days away and hearing the latest media catch word being throwing around like a seal at a killer whale’s b-day party these past few weeks I decided to see what the definition of the word actually meant. Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines sequester as “to seize especially by a writ of sequestration” which in turn leads us to the definition of sequestration. It is defined as; “a deposit whereby a neutral depositary agrees to hold property in litigation and to restore it to the party to whom it is adjudged to belong” If Wikipedia hasn’t taken control of Merriam-Webster and this definition is true than doesn’t it mean that you should be giving back frivolous spent tax dollars to we the people of this country? The Federal Budget has ballooned and the deficit has continued to climb going on 4 plus years under the current administration. Now I know a lot of you on the Hill have a hard time grasping what its like to not spend more than you have so here’s a little example on how that works. If you have $100 in your pocket at the club and a drink costs $10 and a lap dance is $100 you can’t get both. Buy 10 drinks and go home to your wife or buy the dance and keep that divorce lawyer on speed dial. Yes, it is that simple. So here’s and idea…..Let March 1st hit and let’s see if less of you and more of us is better. It is appalling to hear barry grasp at the heartstrings of the American public with his talk of the children will starve and old people will not get the proper medical care they need. Instead of crying wolf about something that you have no idea of its effect, return the money to the men and women of this country that you continue to over tax year after year. Let us make decisions on how to spend the money not only to benefit each individual but our employees and our communities. Contrary to what you think, we all have good in us and don’t need your help to decide what right and wrong is.
PS. It’s almost March and shorts are already a must, so get outside and get some of that free vitamin B peeps and remember…….If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Margarita please

Dear Margarita,
As I sat there this morning searching the headlines that would translate into a worthwhile topic for a Friday nothing seemed to jump out at me in my groggy state after a Thursday night experiment of weighing if the benefits of Fireball shots with chasers of Bud Light were a healthy alternative to the evening meal known as dinner.  With choices ranging from “Chupacabra running wild in Oklahoma” Which myself and a good friend discussed might be the latest in a long line of tricks that the Oklahoma Visitors Bureau is using to peak peoples interest in vacationing in a state where the only thing that out numbers coyotes, casinos and the unemployed are WalMart’s to “Blade Runner considered flight risk; granted bail in fatal shooting of girlfriend” which if he is such a flight risk why not take his prosthetic legs and put them on the top shelf of the cabinet just out of arms length? I know that you are all thinking that this is pretty shallow of me to hit the handicapped card but he did allegedly fire four rounds into the bathroom door at her in an attempt to become the OJ Simpson of our generation (I can see it now….”If the legs don’t fit you must acquit”). If Nelson Mandela had to rock a jail cell for 27 years I think this guy can be comfortable with 3 hot’s and a cot until all the details come out in this tragedy. But alas in the wake of blood sucking imported animals from Mexico to stories of South Africa not concerning Leo and blood diamonds there it was staring and shouting, “me me me!! Look here!”…….Today is National Margarita Day! Sombreros, the cocaine and marijuana  trade, nachos, Spring Break, Telemundo soap operas and the hit boy band Menudo are just some of the treasures that our friends south of the border have giving us. All these things would be wonderful by themselves but add the magic of tequila, some sugary liquids and ice to a salt rimmed glass and you have the refreshing summer concoction called the Margarita that makes all those things that much better. It is because of you Margarita and your magical powers that the Federale was able to afford for his unborn child to go to school with the payment he received from me for throwing lawn furniture off the 5th story of the hotel balcony onto the beach below while screaming “Chupacabra” at the top of my lungs on that ill fated Spring Break so long ago.  It would also not be possible without your tender touch that guacamole, a poncho, a body of water and a ghetto blaster (80’s reference for stereo to my younger readers) in March would qualify as a holiday for numerous college undergrads across the country.  So when 5 o’clock hits on this last Friday in February and we make our way down to our favorite watering hole instead of reaching for a beer or a vodka drink proudly ask the man or lovely lady on the other side of the bar for that drink that quinces your thirst whether it be blended or on the rocks and bask in the glory that is The Margarita.
PS. It’s Friday peeps so enjoy the weekend and the outdoors and try to put a smile on a strangers face you never know what it will lead to and a big Happy B-day to Casey Yost, the coolest friend anyone could have and remember……..If beef came from grocery stores there would always be a clean-up in the meat department.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

The true meaning of the 2nd Amendment

Dear miss-informed gun control advocates,

For the past month you cannot turn on the TV, get on the Internet, open a paper or thumb through a magazine without coming across the issue of gun control. What I don’t understand is that the arguments for or against pertaining to this subject matter always revolves around hunting. In case you’ll are not the history nut that yours truly is the 2nd Amendment states: A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.” At no point in those words so eloquently written by our forefathers did it mention that the second most important act in the document that would define our country that it was dropped in there to let the future generations know it was ok to hunt squirrels, turkeys, deer, etc.  The taking of wild game in the 1700’s was not called hunting it was called survival! Ben Franklin never leaned over to Herbie Hancock (I’m hoping there are still Tommy Boy fans out there) and said; “Hey bro, this Bill of Rights deal and fighting the red coats is exhausting. Let’s roll to In and Out and grab a double double.”  The 2nd Amendment was written the way it was so that the people of this great nation could defend themselves from all threats be it a small country with bad dental care and consider stuffed intestines a delicacy to a corrupt government (Yes that is an oxymoron) on our own soil. They did not write the Constitution with the intention of it being tossed away like a syllabus in freshman English class but as a document that would be embraced and define who we are for generations to come. It befuddles me that the so-called leaders of our country are so uneducated on the subject. Maybe they should have opened those US History books in school and read them in between hits of the hippie lettuce instead of having them replaced by the likes of “Why Tommy has Two Dads”.  Let’s teach facts that have been around over 200 years to our students and let them know how the greatest nation in the world was formed and leave personal matters like that to who should have those conversations about them….Their families. So today as I go out and attempt to shot a goose or eight that I will bring home and enjoy with a nice bottle of wine knowing that because of some of the bravest and most intelligent men in the history of our great nation I’m not only able to enjoy the sport of survival but also can bask in the fact that I am safe from enemies both foreign and domestic that the 2nd Amendment grants me.

It’s hump day peeps so enjoy that crisp after rain day and remember….If the British were coming George Washington would have reached for the semi automatic over the muzzle loader….Freedom is a wonderful thing.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Vodka and meteors...From Russia with love

Dear Russian Meteor,

So after a night spent out on the town with friends and participating in a game called speed dating also known as the Chico bar scene which actually felt more like being a customer at Walmart on Black Friday trying to cage fight your way to that last $100 flat screen TV being that the active ratio of eligible suitors was 5 guys for every eligible girl. (This also included the few cougars that decided a better spot for their wedding ring was in their pocket but this column is to short to indulge in that today) I once again found myself back home on my couch enjoying some late night paleo friendly eats while being consoled by the four legged therapist who rents a small studio on the back patio and simply goes by the name Cosby (I’m thinking he played soccer in South America at some point and time to earn that designation). Usually my routine after this is simple; pass out on couch till it’s almost time to wake up then drag myself to bed and sleep with the TV on until its time to get up. On a routine morning in usually entails opening my eyes to the local weatherman telling me it’s going to rain even though sun is beating down on my face through my sliding glass door or Matt Lauer acting like a pompous ass while knowing that Katie Couric’s back still hurts from carrying him all those years. This morning I was throwing a Barry Zito pre-2004 curveball when I opened my eyes and looked up at the television….A 10-TON METEOR HIT A RUSSIAN CITY!!?? How does this happen in this day and age of technology do we not know in advance that something this big was going to explode over a large city and thus putting every Russian window installer into a much higher tax bracket. Is this your way of telling the Hollywood studios that instead of putting a geriatric Bruce Willis in Russia screaming yippee kay yee every time he checks his adult diaper and it’s dry in what I think is the latest installment of the Die Hard series that they should have put him, that guy who we are all still wondering is always standing next to Matt Damon at the Oscars and the rest of their band of misfits in space with a nuke and a bad script trying to stop you? If so Russian Meteor well played my friend, well played. The ball is in your court now Hollywood and I know that a certain former governor with a catch phrase and a bad choice in maids is standing in an unemployment line somewhere waiting for one more chance.

PS.  The sun is shining and the weekend is calling so enjoy yourselves this weekend peeps and pay it forward, good karma is always something nice to have on your side and remember…..Why doesn’t anyone carry an umbrella when it starts raining up in the club?