Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Nashville country music review...Round II

Dear American Country Awards,

Hello again country music fans and I welcome you to the latest installment of the state of your music industry. The last time I left you I had just concluded viewing the debacle that is the CMA awards buy inserting the remote control into the front of my TV with the force of a Roger Clemens fastball before pissing in a cup was standard for signing a contract. With the recent purchase of a new television and the vodka locked in the cupboard I have decided to give mainstream country music another chance and once again share with you the audience my thoughts on the evening…..
1.       Show starts off as if it was Tony Romo down by a touchdown in the 4th quarter. Parading out a NASCAR driver who I have more wins then and a dude who was relevant as an opening act in the 90’s who still thinks that ponytails are fresh is no way to win over a suspect audience. (This isn’t looking good)
2.       Glow sticks….And not a European house band in sight.
3.       Does WalMart carry a Trace Adkins line of menswear and if so does it come in something other than black?
4.       Luke Bryan’s wife finally put a stop to him borrowing her pants.
5.       Why are Matthew McConaughey and ZZ Top sharing a stage together at a country awards show? I also think I have found where Randy Jackson has been hiding.
6.       Two awards down and still not a pair of Wranglers or a cowboy hat in sight.
7.       Trace, thank you for finally revealing to me the truth who is really responsible for “honky tonk badonkadonk”….Watch your back Randy Houser.  
8.       A fat white dude and the black guy from Walker, Texas Ranger are rapping….Just checked to make sure I didn’t change the channel on accident.
9.       I still like Blake Shelton.
10.   Was just informed that Hootie and Sheryl Crowe would be sharing the same stage together. Hid the remote from myself…TV’s are expensive post Black Friday.
11.   Jewel….Still looking good.
12.   The 90’s theme continues with Hootie and Sheryl collaborating. (I dare you to play Wagon Wheel)
13.   Once again I spoke to soon, Wagon Wheel is currently spewing out of Hootie’s mouth…Just broke into the cupboard and poured myself a glass of medicine.
14.   Just put a legend like Dwight Yoakam on stage and then disgrace him by having him present Brad Paisley with an award…Currently trying to find where I hid the remote.
15.   More skinny jeans and hats that have some semblance to what a cowboy would wear…At the hour and a half mark and still don’t know if this is a country awards show.
16.   Is Olivia Newton John receiving a standing ovation for her performance opposite John Travolta??....3 days removed from Fireball and still confused.
17.   There you are Taylor.
18.   Leanne Rhymes stills got it.
19.   Leather bro tanks, popped collars and Mohawks have once again revealed themselves on the same stage together…The Fireball pledge may not last long.
20.   Joe Buck is actually pleasurable to hear compared to the acts that have trotted out on stage.
21.   Luke Bryan, there is a street somewhere that you need to play in.
22.   Trace, I’ve giving you more press in this review than you’ve received in the last 10 years, you are not getting me to talk about you more even after that performance.

This show has changed my mind…Country music could go lower than what was witnessed last month at the CMA’s. The only positive I can take home from this is that there was no damage done to the television. Now only if I can find that remote….

PS. Happy hump day peeps on a cold day in December. Stay warm and remember….If Rob Ford can be mayor of Toronto you can be anything.  

#Nashville #countrymusic #ACA 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Fireball....Goodbye, adios, ciao, au revoir...In any language we're through

Dear Fireball, 

We had a good run but it's over. Please do not call, text, email, Facebook, write, send a passenger pigeon or use any other form of communication to contact me. I wish you nothing but the best in your future endeavors. 

PS. Vodka it's just you and I now like you've always wanted it. I hope you make the most of the situation and remember....If you didn't drink how would your friends know you loved them at 2AM??...

#fireball #vodka #empireliving

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Black Friday as told by Maury Povich

Dear Black Friday,

Friday morning I found myself at a local coffee shop still groggy from a hangover that I was trying to determine was caused from the mass amounts of turkey or booze and great wine consumed the night before. Now usually on a Friday at 5:30AM on a holiday break Chico looks like a scene out of a post apocalyptic movie with not a soul in sight (I even suspect the homeless leave town being that there is no one to enable them or harass) as newspapers and an occasional tumble weed blows through the streets. This Friday for some reason was different. The place was packed with men, women and children with $6 coffee in hand discussing their plan of attack on numerous retail stores in the city. At first I thought an act of domestic terrorism might be unfolding before my very eyes but then realized that there were too many yoga pants, Uggs and Northface jackets to be something so sinister. It then donned on me that this could only mean one thing…..Black Friday. There is no better example of the deterioration of the human society other than a marathon of the Kardashian’s on the E Network. I decided to do some research on the phenomenon that is “Black Friday” and drove by some of the large retail stores that are scattered throughout town. Littered among them were tent cities, parking lots full of cars, husbands that would rather still be in bed and kids who were wondering why they were spending the last days of their Thanksgiving break at the local Sears or WalMart. My take away message from my fact-finding mission where as followed:

1.       If you have to wait in line for a week to save $100 on a TV you should not be buying that television. You cannot afford it so instead of wasting  the 40 hours you just did in a tent in the middle of winter go out and get a job that allows you to have enough disposable income to purchase this same TV anytime you want. It’s the truest form of capitalism.
2.       If you think that the “deal” you are getting on whatever consumer product you have woke up at an ungodly hour or left your family in the middle dessert to acquire is saving you money you are delusional or may have drank too much Fireball. When there are 100 of you standing in line and there are only 10 $50 surround sound systems to be had that means 90 of you are going home empty handed or with one that you could have purchased at the same price at 3PM that you are getting it for at 5AM. This math works even in Chico State graduate terms.
3.       Underwear no matter how lacy, blenders, power tools, cabbage patch kids, etc. are not a reason for a good pepper spraying, stabbing or homicide especially if it’s during the pre dawn hours. If I’m going to be involved in any of these three unsavory acts it better be in Detroit and there better be a movie deal soon to follow.

America, I have faith in you. Let’s show the world especially during the holiday season that we are not the cesspool that we are perceived to be…… We have Honey Boo Boo and Kimmie K for that.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this extremely cold day in December. I hope you’re staying warm and remember….Life isn’t filled with mistakes they’re just happy accidents.