Friday, July 31, 2015

A message from Cecil the lion

Dear concerned public,

Hello, I’m Cecil the lion and if you are reading this I am dead. Most of you had no idea who I was for the first 12.9 years of my life until about 48 hours ago so I felt it was necessary to take the time to let the public know my thoughts and feelings from the grave upon my recent demise. Now there are only a few ways this could have happened:

1.       Natural causes.
2.       Poacher.
3.       I ate a little too much gazelle and wandered from the friendly confines of my reservation and was killed legally.

The first reason gets the best of all of us. I’ve lived a good life and had no regrets. I have seen parts of Africa that others can only dream of. I have feasted on zebra, water buffalo and an occasional villager who thought that it was a good idea to saunter away from his hut minus his trusty spear. If scenario two is the reason you are reading my last will and testament than I ask that whoever it was, whether it be a local who are the reason my kind are in the protected state we are in or it be a dentist from America I ask that you punish them to the full extent of the law. Poachers are the politicians of the hunting world. They don’t hunt, they kill and are the reason why hunters and hunting is frowned upon among the minority of the world. Unfortunately that minority are the people that control what you see in the media. What you don’t realize is that legal hunters are who pay for the sanctuaries that I and others like me call home. Without them, poachers would have hunted us to extinction years ago. Now if the 3rd and final choice is how I met my demise than I have no one to blame but myself. I should have been smarter than that, I mean I have spent the last 13 years of my life living the dream. Hwange National Park was my oyster, and I took advantage of all the pearls it had to offer. I had my own pride I ran, numerous lionesses at my fingertips and people who paid thousands of dollars just to take a picture of myself and others who call the park home. Now I don’t know where all that money goes but the Zimbabwe government has said that it stays in the park and helps us, the wildlife who call it home. Isn’t it funny that no matter what anyone really talks about be it life, death or anything in-between the conversation always comes back to government? Let me tell you something about my government. It is ran by Robert Mugabe. He is a dictator who has turned the vibrant, beautiful and rich country I call home into a place riddled with corruption, police and military brutality and fear. He has executed thousands of my fellow countryman along the way to ensure that no one will challenge his rule. Real standup guy.  If by chance I am killed legally and he calls for whoever did it to be extradited back to Zimbabwe to face punishment please tell him to pound sand. Finally I wanted to reinforce to you that legal hunters are not bad people. For thousands of years humans have shared Earth with other animals and have hunted to survive just like myself and other predators. Today, they along with conservation efforts by others are the reason you can still see myself and others like me in something other than a book. They are good people who don’t kill just to kill. Friends, don’t use my death to chastise the few, use it as a rallying call to end poaching in my country and around the world and most importantly let this shed some light on Zimbabwe and its leadership. I am just one lion, amongst a country of many good humans, focus on the atrocities that happen here daily before my 15 minutes of fame fade and the liberal media moves on to the next cause. One last thing….RWAR!!!!! Scared you didn’t I??? Meow.

PS. Happy Friday peeps and remember….All the girls get prettier at closing time or after 10 shots of Fireball, really there is no difference.

#Cecilthelion #Cecil #zimbabwe #hunters #poachers #hollywood #empireliving   

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

An open letter to Miranda Lambert

(An open letter to Miranda Lambert)

Dear Miranda Lambert,

It’s been a week since you and Blake called it quits. It is at about this time that things begin to settle down, and the initial shock of a breakup starts to wear off. At this point you begin to take the steps to heal that broken heart and decide where to go from here. Failure gets the best of us all. Your life has played out like a country song in the tabloids recently and to be honest, you deserve better than “Some beach” and “Sangria” my dear. As you move on and look to mend that heart of yours, I’m here to lend you some sage advice and where you should go from here to find “true” love. Now, I’m impartial so please hear me out Miranda. Your close friends are going to suggest that you hit up a bar or club to mix it up and keep your mind off Blake. This while fun, is a horrible idea that will only fuel the rumors of infidelity and mistrust that lead you to this place. Plus, are you really going to find your soulmate at 3am hopped up on cheap beer and tequila? Trust me, I do this every weekend and have yet to strap a ring on a finger. Some may suggest you stay at home and find “yourself” during this time. Two words come to mind with this thought process….Bad idea. Staying home is only going to make you think of the “what if’s” more which will drive you crazy thus leading you to the refrigerator and late night Netflix binges fueled by anger and despair. Others may tell you to go an unconventional route and try your hand at the internet dating game. They will tell you it will give you the best of the previously mentioned options in that you can meet new people, but from the comfort of your own home. Ask yourself do you really want to weed through,,,,,, etc. to find someone to share the rest of your life with? Miranda, I am here to offer you option #3. That option is ME! I know this is a bold move on my part but if you never put yourself out there you may never find “the one”. I wanted to give you a brief view inside my life and what I can offer you.

1.       Fun and laughter: I have a gift for making pretty blondes smile. My charm has no boundary.  
2.       Communication skills: A man has to know when a women wants advice or to merely have you listen. Through years of trial and error I have honed this most treasured and useful relationship skill.
3.       Financial security and intelligence: Many of the suitors that will be chasing you will only be after your hard earned money and a place to hunt (well I may want that place to hunt). I don’t need your money, but if you want to purchase me a lavish gift, say maybe a bear hunt in Alaska or a fishing trip to Canada I’m not going to say no. I’m no dummy.
4.       Hunting, fishing, farming, jeep rides and an ice chest full of ice cold beer: All these things are awesome. Pretty much panty droppers. That’s all that needs to be said.  
5.       The black dog: Just when you thought that you have found the perfect match with all the above mentioned qualities I throw the quintessential “icing on the cake” and present to you Cosby. From retrieving ducks to spinning in circles in the back of the truck to gracing the pages of the latest farm magazine you will never stop smiling at his antics. He can also be referred to as the “deal sealer”.

Miranda what I’m trying to say is true love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another. Get in your little red wagon and put it in automatic and come on over because you’re the fastest girl in town. Mamma’s broken heart can’t be mended with kerosene but it sure as hell can be with some gun powder and lead plus some smoking and drinking. I can promise you that I’m not a white liar and holding on to you is better in the long run for a heart like mine. Now if including the titles of 11 of your songs in my closing statement and making sense doesn’t make you pick up that phone and dial my number than I don’t know what the definition of love really is….XOXOXO

Much love,  
Marcus Monroe

PS. Happy Wednesday peeps on this scorcher of a day in God’s Country. Hopefully by the time you read this I will be on my way to Nashville and remember….If you’re talking to a girl and she says she’s “been through a lot” never reply with “dicks?” It’s a deal a deal breaker.

#mirandalambert #blakeshelton #divorce #nashville #empireliving 

Friday, July 17, 2015

Unite our country in a time other than tragedy

Dear domestic terrorism,

Question: What happens when you decide to attack the United States and its military personal on its own soil?

Answer: You die.

It’s the same answer you will receive if this tragedy where marines lost their lives happened in a country other than our own. Terrorism towards our nation isn’t a domestic or foreign thing, it’s a hate thing. It’s a hatred of our way of life and if you attack America and our military here or abroad, you are an enemy to myself and the masses who call this country home. It doesn’t matter if you hail from the Middle East wrapped in a bathrobe and rocking a towel as a hat or call a trailer house located in the Midwest home and you throw back Bud heavies as the Rebel flag flies in your driveway. We will find you, and we will punish you. The question that we need to ask ourselves is why did this tragedy happened and why do these terrorist attacks continue to take place across the world? The answer to this may be simpler than you think. With every “black lives matter” protest, pro-life demonstration or rally against the Confederate flag we see in the media on a daily basis we continue to lose sight of what really matters….The United States of America. You know the place we call home that contrary to popular belief is still home of opportunity and freedom and we have two World War championship rings to prove it. As this great nation continues to deteriorate from the inside, groups like ISIS, Al-Qaeda, Al Cracker, etc. sees this as an opening to attack what America stands for. A weakened home front is an invitation for them to continue this. I think we sometimes lose track of what this country is about and why it was founded. It wasn’t too long ago that we recited the Pledge of Allegiance every morning in class and you took your hat off and crossed your heart when the national anthem played. We did this not only to honor this country and those who have died making it what it is, but the opportunity that it has afforded all who call it home. You know, the things that make you proud to be an American. The sad thing is that you only see this in time of tragedy in this country. We need to come together as one on the reg. We are one nation and one flag that represents many. Until we realize what really matters is the red, white and blue flag that flies so proudly at houses, parks, schools, government buildings, etc. across America we will never really be safe from the threat of those who hate us. Patriotism isn’t racism, its love of country and the last time I checked it included 318 million people who were Republican, Democrat, black, white, brown, straight, gay, Christian, Muslim, rich, poor, etc. In closing I would just like to say Constitution, bald eagle, guns, Reagan, Old Glory, apple pie but most of all….Merica. God Bless (No matter what one you pray too)

PS. Happy Friday peeps, please enjoy your weekend and remember…French fries are practically salad, that’s why ranch is must.

#domestic #terrorism #marines #unitedstates #patriotism #empireliving 

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Remember when we accepted responsibility?

Dear personal responsibility,
A  list of current headlines in the news:
“Confederate flag responsible for murders at a South Carolina church”
“Greece threatens to leave the EU if financial bailout isn’t approved”
“Girl dies at the hands of a gun in San Francisco”
What is wrong with these attention grabbing stories? They like most news worthy events these days blame anybody and everything other than who or what is truly responsible for an act. Why implicate yourself when you can easily accuse someone or something else?! Who or what is at fault for what is happening to society when it comes to personable responsibility???....WE ARE. It is really quite simple to see where we went wrong when it pertains to personal responsibility. It starts at home. Discipline use to be commonplace. You did something wrong as a child, you were punished for it. I’m not talking about timeout or the threat of your IPhone being taking away. Not too long ago children were spanked when they did something wrong, and you know what….It worked!!! Liberals, spanking is not a form of child abuse, it is a tool to teach your son or daughter right from wrong. It teaches RESPONSIBILITY for one’s actions. From the home it moved to gyms and sports fields across America. At the end of a game there is always a winner and a loser. Lessons are taught to the individuals and teams from each outcome. Real life emulates sports. It is the RESPONSIBILITY of the participants to take something away from the outcome of the event, good or bad. In youth athletics today these lessons are lost. You see, scores are not kept and trophies and ribbons are handed out to each team, win or lose strictly for the fact that they are “participating” in the sport. As someone who has been involved in organized athletics my entire life, “participating” in something whether it be a sport, academic competition, etc. doesn’t earn you a medal or award. Winning earns you this. Life lessons aren’t taught when you simply partake in something. The next place it showed up was in classrooms throughout the country. Remember when you graduated from school and it counted? After 12 years of schooling and growing from an adolescence into an adult you received your high school diploma. Some of us moved on to college and after 4 to 7 years (depending on if you went to Chico State) of hard work we were able to walk across that stage and hold our hands up high and say “we did it”, we are college graduates. It was your RESPONSIBILITY to go to school and get the best grades possible. If you were failing in a certain subject, you received the necessary help in order to improve. Today, there is a graduation ceremony for every grade. Parents and the American education system are continuing the pattern by rewarding our youth for everything they do. Grades are no longer given out for fear that it will shatter a child’s self worth if they don’t receive a passing mark. We continue to teach our kids that everyone's a winner and if they fail to succeed it not their fault. These lessons are carried into adulthood, thus giving us the previous mentioned news headlines. Here is what the headlines look like when you insert PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY into them:
“A flag didn’t kill those people in that church in South Carolina, a deranged evil individual did.”
“Greece isn’t in financial turmoil because of others in the European Union, it is because they are a nation of freeloaders who would rather continue to take handouts rather than tighten their belt in hard times.”
“An innocent girl didn’t lose her life because of a gun, she lost it due to the fact that the city of San Francisco and its laws harbored an illegal alien with a violent criminal past.”
No blame, just honest answers. It is really that simple…
PS. Happy hump day peeps, my your work day be short and 5pm cocktail be cold and remember….When you plan on nothing, you’re never disappointed.
#personal #responsibility #confederateflag #greece #illegalaliens #empireliving