Thursday, September 25, 2014

High waisted shorts: The bro tank of the female species

Dear high waisted shorts,

We have all seen it before. First the fashion world brought us the mistake known as the “bell bottom” in the 60’s and 70’s. As we rolled into the 80’s and 90’s we were subjected to peg pants and neon hues. The early 2000’s through today has blessed us with bro tanks and skinny jeans. Years after another trend hits we look back on it and wonder “who is this idiot in this picture and why is he/she dressed like such a dickhead?!” Now as we have progressed as a society you would think that what appears on the catwalk in Paris, London or New York every year would not find its way to the closets of everyday people….WRONG! At bars, concerts and college campuses across the country the latest craze is taking place. Just like its aforementioned predecessors, what started out as a fad among a few outliers has progressed into a full blown pandemic as spring turned into summer. Yes, I am talking about you high waisted shorts and the effect you are having on the natural attraction of a male to a women is mind boggling. High waisted shorts are the bro tank for the female species. You see, no one likes them yet once you see someone wearing them you must follow suit. It is a look that takes the “muffin top” to the next level. This revelation alone should make all ladies who own a pair of this fashion misstep to burn them in liberation. Now usually there is a portion of society that can pull off a look when all others fail. This portion is usually referred to as “hot chick” (which also can be referenced as “Kate Upton”) or “Tom Brady” but in this instance these analogies fail. Even with all the above stated flaws with this look for some reason hot, ugly, fat, skinny, sorority girl, country chick, girl next door, and etc. have continued to choose jeans shorts that are cut off as if they were cotton granny panties that nestle just below your chest and pair it with a t-shirt from a concert you never attended that you added a frayed sleeve look to and precede to tuck this into the previously mentioned shorts to complete an appearance that has most males and females shaking their head. Ladies, I know it’s hard to take fashion advise from a guy who’s closet consist of plaid and pearl snaps along with a Chive shirt sprinkled in from time to time but I am an expert at beautiful women and this trend is taking the “beautiful” out of that equation. When choosing your next ensemble for a night on the town, shy away from something that is common place in trailer parks and honey boo boo’s mom’s closet. With winter fast approaching and the anticipation of yoga pants, Uggs and sweatshirts that it brings, one can only hope that it also leads to the death of yet another of society’s lapses in judgment….

PS. Hello peeps on this first rainy day of the season, here’s too many more albeit this farmer hope is they wait till November to bless us and remember….Why pay the doctor to make you better when you can pay the farmer to make you healthy. Now that that’s advice you usually have to pay for.

#highwaistedshorts #fashionmistakes #empireliving 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

9/11: My generation's Pearl Harbor

Dear 9/11,

Where were you…….

It started off as a typical Tuesday. Up, shower, dress and hurry out the house for an 8AM meeting that I was already late for. In the hustle of grabbing my things, while harassing one roommate and waking up the other so she wouldn't be late for work, I failed to turn on the radio per my routine as I got dressed and repeated this mistake with the TV as I was grabbing a quick bite out of the fridge. Just a little after 6AM my phone started ringing. Being that this was the beginning of fall and most of my growers that I took care of as an agronomist were busy with harvest, it was unusual to receive a call at this hour. Glancing at the screen on the best flip phone with horrible service money could buy (thank you Nextel) it was my mother. Now the only time my mother calls is for two things: To nag and to nag some more. Seeing that it was her I let it go to voice mail. Placing my phone down on the counter I went back to my morning routine only to be interrupted by a ringing phone once more. It was again my mother. This process repeated itself once more before I picked up the phone to see what was so important this early in the morning. Before I could answer with my customary greeting for her, “What do you want?” she was screaming that we were being bombed. She repeated this over and over hysterically (and those of you who know Kathy, know she has cornered the market on hysterical) before I could get in a word edge wise. Upon calming down, I asked her just what the hell she was talking about. She then informed me to turn on the TV and as I scrambled for the remote and hit the power button the scene that was being played out before my eyes could only be described as something out of a Michael Bay movie. I screamed at my roommates to get in the living room as we witnessed the 2nd plane hit the towers. As we watched the terror unfold, news reports were sketchy with talks of other planes hitting landmarks and bombs being placed in schools, I abruptly told my mother I loved her, hung up the phone and called friends in Chico to make sure they were alright. As the day played out and the information on what had actually happened became more concrete, the emotions of disgust, hate, anger, retaliation, sadness, etc. overwhelmed me like most Americans. President Bush took to the airwaves to address the nation on the tragedy that had unfolded earlier in the day. His historic words reassured myself and the rest of the nation why the United States is the greatest country in the world:

“Terrorist attacks can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but they cannot touch the foundation of America. These acts shatter steel, but they cannot dent the steel of American resolve. America was targeted for attack because we're the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the world. And no one will keep that light from shining.” – George W. Bush

13 years later the words of this iconic address still stands true. From Al Qaeda to the current threat from ISIS we are a country that despite our differences, stand united when it comes to one thing….America. God Bless…..

PS. I only have three words for you to remember on this day….NEVER FORGET. Merica.  

#9/11 #America #neverforget #UnitedStates #empireliving 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Dating in your late 20's and into your 30's...According to this expert

Dear dating in your late 20’s and through your 30’s,

I get approached constantly on topics to write about or discuss. Lately the subject of dating has been broached by both male and female friends. Most have either been in a long term relationship or a marriage which has recently ended. Some have kids and some don’t. The question they all ask me is how and when do they get back into the dating “game” and how exactly does it work now?  Being that I’ve somehow managed to keep myself single all these years I qualify as a one of the foremost experts on the subject and am willing to share some sage advice at no cost to you….

My life guide to dating (late 20’s and through your 30’s):

1.       If you are jumping back into the dating game after a long period of time it can be scary. Change is hard for all of us, especially when it comes to intimately interacting with someone new. The best way to deal with this is to use the “Crawl, walk, run” method. It is exactly as it sounds. You have to crawl before you either walk or run in anything you do in life and we all have our own pace on getting to the next step. Always remember to do what feels best to you.
2.       I use to believe that there was a certain “time table” when it came to dating after being in a long relationship or marriage. I’m here to tell you there ISN’T. If you meet someone whether it’s been a few days, a week or months and it feels right, then it probably is. There is no calendar to this.
3.       Take a chance! If you are interested in someone they will never know unless you take that leap of faith and put yourself out there. That person at the coffee shop, gym, grocery store, bar, etc. may just be thinking the same thing about you.
4.       It used to be easy to know when you were in a relationship with someone but for some reason as we get older this changes. At a young age it was as simple as checking “yes” or “no” on a box or asking the girl or guy to be your significant other. The key as with everything is communication. Be upfront with each other on what you want now and as you move forward. It takes the guessing and uncertainty out of the equation.  
5.       TALK to each other. I’m not talking about a text or via Facebook, pick up the phone and call them. The emotion in the human voice in a one on one conversation can never be replaced.  
6.       LISTEN to each other. I don’t know how many times I have to reinforce that point.
7.       Be HONEST. Whether you are 21 or 31 this never goes out of style.
8.       Have FUN! This is what life is all about.
9.       If you don’t find someone right away that you click with don’t worry, it will eventually happen. Never settle for anything in life, especially if it’s someone that you want to share yours with.

The best advice I can give is if you are with someone currently or looking for that special person is to never “stop dating”. When we find ourselves in a relationship we tend to get into a comfort zone and forget the things we did to catch the eye of, or impress that special someone. Never use the excuse of work, a busy life or later children to get in the way of you and your significant other. Take each other to dinner, see a movie, hold hands when he or she least expects it, send her flowers, leave a little note on their windshield and let them know what they mean to you and most of all….tell her she’s beautiful. Trust me that never gets old….

PS. Happy Hump Day peeps as we move closer to harvest and remember….The one thing about the ground is it doesn't give much.

#dating #advice #marriage #drphil #empireliving