Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Turkey day thank you's....2013 edition

Dear Thanksgiving,

Hello friends from beautiful and blustery Northern California less than 24 hours before the annual feast that is known as Thanksgiving is upon us. We have many things to be grateful for on this day of reflection of thanks, good tidings and family and I would like to share some of what this rice farmer is thankful for this year……

1.       My friends. Every time someone asks me the one thing I could not live without this will be always my answer. (I know some of you are thinking that answer would be booze, rice and beautiful women but don’t worry they will all make the list at some point).
2.       Family. I don’t really mention them much here but yes I do have a mother, father, two brothers, two nieces and one nephew. I may not say it but I do love each and every one of you.
3.       My peeps who read this blog. Whether it be on Facebook or the blog site itself the responses I get back be it comments left, texts, phone calls or in person conversation are what keeps me continually trying to write something thought provoking or smile inducing for you each week. (Well that and the thought of Hollywood finally acknowledging my genius and giving me that much needed break! If I need to lick sledgehammers sign me up)
4.       Cosby. Besides constantly stealing the spotlight from me and thus regulating me to his personal driver on his climb to fame he more importantly puts a smile on my face every day.
5.       Kim Kardashian. Without you cupcake monster and your constant love of all things baked or your knack for making irrelevant rappers famous with the push of a button or just the general way you carry yourself and how we look at so called “celebrities” currently. If it wasn't for you I would have to work that much harder to find a topic to share each week.
6.       Chico. Being one of the fortunate few who get to call it home after graduating makes me the envy of many of friends who have had to pack their belongings and leave after walking across the podium. It is a town that fails to be affected by inflation or the cost of living. $40 gets you inebriated, a slice a pie and a ride home still here. It gets you a glass of water in the city minus the ice.  
7.       Canada. EH.
8.        The rice industry. Since the NFL had no room for a 5’9” safety with suspect speed rice became my passion as my chosen profession. I have worked in all aspects of the industry and it has allowed me to meet numerous lifelong friends across the nation and do things and meet people that would never have been possible otherwise. (Cuban’s and mojito’s with the Ambassador anybody?)
9.       Texas. From Weatherford to Dallas to San Antonio to Austin to Houston to Victoria and all the beer joints and BBQ pits in-between. I will be seeing y’all soon.
10.   Tito’s. I love vodka……This is pretty self-explanatory.
11.   Fireball. I really don’t love you but you somehow seem to get me to hang out with you on the reg.
12.   Merica. I could have said this at the start and covered all my bases.

PS. Happy hump day peeps along with cocktails and dreams on this Thanksgiving holiday and remember….Don’t trust anyone who can bite there ice cream without flinching, it’s just not natural. Gobble Gobble. 

#Thanksgiving #Turkey #Chico #Gobble

Thursday, November 21, 2013

San Francisco....A city saved by Batkid in more ways than one

Dear San Francisco,

I share a love hate relationship with the city by the bay. I root for the team in orange and black, I love the numerous restaurants and dining options that it has to offer and the tourist aspect of the area still fascinates me to this day. Things I hate about the city include; the bastion of hope that it holds towards liberalism, the plentiful number of panhandlers that flock to the city and continue to deteriorate it with filth and crime and most of all that damn smell! (You need to experience it because not even this literary genius can put into words the exact way to describe it). But you know what????.....Sometimes you just get it right. In case you’ve just recently woke from a coma or been evicted from a cave in parts unknown last Thursday the Make-a-Wish-Foundation along with the City of San Francisco and numerous other volunteers granted Miles Scott, a five year old boy from Northern California suffering from Leukemia his dream of morphing into his hero Batman and saving Gotham City from the like of the Penguin and the Riddler. The Make-a-Wish-Foundation bequests numerous requests and the fulfillment of wishes to sick and terminally ill children across the country and is by far one of my favorite charities because of this. The everyday people, businesses, celebrities, athletes, etc. that work for and participate in there program is the human aspect working at its finest. Sometimes you have to ask yourself what did you do today to make someone’s life better??? Well for over 12,000 people the answer was to grant this child the opportunity of a lifetime. The world we live in can be a cold and unfair place at times. We win some and we lose some in this poker game of life all the while learning from its adventure. The reality that I’ve always struggled with is when kids are dealt an unfair hand from the start and have to defy the odds to experience the smiles and cries of their adolescence on through adulthood. Stories like this and others constantly bring a smile to my face and a tear or two to my eyes (Yes, this red ass has a soft side). The cost to pull this all off for the city was to the tune of $105,000 which is by far the best money that has been spent in San Francisco since the inking of Will Clark to his first pro contract (God I miss the “Thrill”).My hat goes off to Mayor Ed Lee, Police Chief Greg Suhr, US Attorney Melinda Haag, the Giants and everyone else who turned an act of kindness and the fulfillment of a child’s dream into something much more. It’s moments like this that reassures your faith in the human spirit and that there is still a lot of good amongst us…..

PS. Happy Thursday on this cold and blustery day in the north state peeps. I hope you’re staying warm and enjoying yourself and remember……”It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me”… That’s not me but that is some real at you in November.

#batkid #sanfrancisco #milesscott #kcco

Friday, November 15, 2013

Canada, I'll trade you one President for one Mayor

Dear Toronto Mayor Ron Ford,

Canada has historically not offered us much as a neighbor. Usually it just sits on top of the United States like a hat and keeps our ears warm and the sun out of our eyes while also hiding the fact that the Dakota's are a part of the lower 48. With exhilarating thrills such as maple syrup and a law enforcement unit that still relies on the horse as its primary mode of transportation and is always being out smarted by a comedic moose (hey hey Rocky!!!) it always amazes me that more and more people are not clamoring to move to the Great North for the excitement that it offers. With names such as the Bieb’s, Bryan Adams and Alex Trebek (His mustache gets an exemption, that thing has greatness written all over it), you have not furnished us much in terms of exports but this could easily change. American politicians and reality TV’s finest need to be worried because a new star has emerged and his name is Ron Ford. The Toronto mayor not only carries himself like the John Boehner’s and Nancy Pelosi’s of the world he adds that little something extra in both intrigue and fondness of all things cupcake that the Kardashian’s offer. As his unofficial campaign advisory here in the States I offer you reasons why you should all like this guy:

1.       Smokes crack and consume numerous other drugs on the reg.
2.       Hangs with hookers in the owner’s box at football games.
3.       Would boat race Chris Christie in a Krispy Kream eat-off.
4.       Has his staff throw down on booze for the office.
5.       Did I mention hookers??? Not just at games but also in his very own oval office.

Any man who rolls into a meeting sporting the home team’s jersey along with dropping comments concerning the reasons why he doesn’t need to play with overpriced stray cat because he has plenty of cat at home has landslide re-election written all over him. He personally had me not at hello (so cliché) but at the time he was patrolling the streets of Downtown Toronto with some of his loyal staff and always thinking safety first pulled the car over to take a swig of the vodka that was tucked between his legs. This man constantly thinks of others to his own well being unlike any other politician. If Toronto decides to unjustly remove this man from office he is just a few passport details and a renouncement of free healthcare away from heading to the greener pastures of Washington, D.C. and political greatness in our country. Marion Berry will be waiting with crack pipe and government issued rocks in hand and open arms to welcome you… Vote for Ron Ford…There’s no EHHHHH about it!!!

Ps. Happy Friday peeps on this chilly but sunny Friday in November. Canada I still love you and remember….Bloody Mary’s and bacon are the building blocks of life. 

Monday, November 11, 2013

Many thanks....

Dear Veterans,

I’ve been trying to think of something witty and relevant to put into words what Veterans Day means to me and millions of others out there. But when it all comes down to it the best and only thing that can be said is…..“Thank you”.

Thank you to both my grandfather’s and the brave men and women of their generation who served this country in the last Great War that defined our nation and brought freedom to Europe and beyond.

Thank you to the many who served in Vietnam and didn’t let the public’s disdain for the war interfere with what they were trying do and putting country first no matter how unpopular it was.

Thank you for serving in conflicts in Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan over the last twenty years to protect our allies and forward our interests and not letting politics get in the way.

Thank you to both past and present military personal for allowing myself and everyone who calls the United States of America home to do what we do every day.

I’ve been blessed to visit the numerous war memorials in Washington,D.C. along with seeing The Changing of the Guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (By far the most powerful event I’ve ever witnessed). From my grandpa who drove tanks all over Europe for General Patton to numerous friends in high school who enlisted when we graduated to my current intern to the man I call when I need something to be repaired on those “why I can’t have nice things” days at the ranch we run across veterans every day. Take the time to thank them not only today but every day for the sacrifices they have made in securing our freedoms. Trust me; it will put a smile on their face…..

PS.  In case I have not said it enough…..Thank you. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Was that a country music awards show I witnessed???

Dear CMA Awards,

It was a year ago that I found myself laying on my couch with a cocktail in hand contemplating the state of Nashville and its take on country music as I took in the debacle that is the CMA awards show. It was preached throughout the event that “country” was getting back to its roots and moving away from the bubble gum pop spectacle that it has become. Being a good journalist and always following up on importing issues affecting society I parked myself in that same couch with a repeat of the cocktail to watch the 2013 edition of the show  to see how this transformation that was supposedly going to take place in the country music industry had progressed. Here are some of my thoughts and a “play by play” of what I witnessed:

1.       Opening act is sporting the same skinny jeans and leather bracelets that he wore last year but as an added bonus he borrowed his sister’s prom dress because nothing screams country like sequins.
2.       A man that used to look like Kenny Rogers was in the crowd but due to the numerous Botox injections it couldn’t be confirmed to be the real “Gambler”.
3.        Taylor Swift….Please just go away.
4.       The boys of Duck Dynasty continue to receive more exposure than a girl’s thighs standing in line at a Buck Night in December. A little is good, too much and you’re Honey Boo Boo.
5.       Kasey Musgraves has that unmistakable twang that may even have Reba smiling.
6.       Give me 10 years worth of Kix and Ronnie and a lifetime of fashion mistakes over the two dudes who thought they were starring in a Buckle advertisement.
7.       Vince Gill has not seen a salad since 8 seconds.
8.       At no time should multi-colored Mohawks, skinny jeans and scarfs be seen on any stage let alone one that is supposedly dedicated to giving a country music performance.  
9.       A hipster (the new hippie) and the kid from Malcolm in the Middle (I’ve been wondering what happened to him) apparently auditioned for the next season of Glee.
10.   Did Cheryl Crow get real old or is that the look she is cultivating since entering the country genera of music?
11.   Eric Church, please take off the black and the aviators. You are neither Johnny Cash nor Bocephus and the jeans that were purchased at Baby Gap cancel out whatever tough guy image you were trying to cultivate.
12.   Is Tim McGraw dressing these days for retirement? Unless you have blue hair and a blinker that continues to signal left you don’t need to wear your trousers north of your belly button.
13.   For some reason as much as I want to I cannot hate Blake Shelton.
14.   Please see #3. (Where is Kanye when you need him?)
15.   Carrie Underwood can still eat crackers in my bed.
16.   P Diddy plus white people in Nashville equals a “deer in the headlights” look.
17.   George Strait and Alan Jackson. (That’s all that needs to be said). Sit back and enjoy the magic.
18.   That dude from Nirvana shows up at more places than Waldo.
19.   Brad Paisley, you’ve done well for yourself. It is time to get rid of the hat you purchased at Spring Break in Cabo all those years ago and get a nice Stetson and take the time to have someone shape it other than the 5th member on Menudo.
20.   Hootie decided that it wasn’t enough that he destroyed “Wagon Wheel” so he added “The Gambler” to the list. (The remote was almost thrown at the TV at this point).
21.   I DO NOT look like the dude in Rascal Flats.
22.   Has anyone ever seen Kenny Rogers, Col. Sanders and Don Mayo of OMC fame in the same room together….ever?
23.   Luke Bryan, yoga pants are meant to be worn with Uggs not cowboy boots and more importantly by women.
24.   After 3 hours and many cocktails later you finally get it right….George Strait strong.
25.   I spoke to soon….Hootie strikes again. (There goes the remote).

Lesson learned. Nashville has killed country as we know it….I now need to go purchase a new TV.

PS. Happy Thursday peeps with this change of pace offering to you. Please enjoy and remember….Nobody wants to wear pants, that’s just the way the world works. 

Friday, November 1, 2013

Who doesn't love Chico on Halloween?!!

Dear Halloween,

Driving through town yesterday I found myself staring at the people who had begun to gather along the streets and sidewalks. There were naughty nurses, catholic school girl vixens and beautiful women with feline ears and tails that numbered in the hundreds as I made my way down the road. I know you must be asking yourself; “When did Marcus move to Amsterdam and who let him into the red light district and the overindulgence is offers?!” No people as much as that is on my bucket list along with a morning run with the bulls I still found myself in downtown Chico and this type of scenery can only mean one thing…..It’s Halloween! Yes, I am talking about that time of year when a girl can dress like she’s on her way to a job interview in the 909 at a place where the word “missionary” on your resume doesn’t refer to your three years building homes in Ghana and no one bats and eye or refers to her in garden tool terms. It’s a glorious thing to the male gender and also the female (we don’t discriminate on these pages) that get to witness all or should I say not so much that the costumes have to offer. Halloween has many faces not only here in Chico but across the country and we all can relate to them. We not only have the sexy side of fun with the adult themed costumes we also have what the holiday is meant for….The trick or treating that the children do in neighborhoods all over town. Being that the black dog has done very well with his modeling endeavor it has afforded us the opportunity to live in a nice neighborhood. Many less fortunate people will bring their children to area such as ours on Halloween to maximize their candy receiving potential.  Now I have nothing wrong with this and am all for increasing their dentist’s retirement account. The problem I do have is that if you are over the age of 18 you are not a child you are a parent unless of course you’re on MTV thus you do not need to be at my door asking for candy. This also applies to the parents who dress up a 3 month old child and come to your door. The infant has yet to grow its first tooth so why does it need candy??? If you can’t afford candy to add to your current weight issues you shouldn’t exploit your child in order to fill that void in your life. This year I was going to be partaking in some libations away from the place I call home (I’m not talking about Joe’s people, it lacks a bed) as a tax paying citizen of Chico I shouldn’t resort to prison break style measures in order to leave my home because of the zombie like presence that was for mentioned stocked my neighborhood. Through it all the holiday of costume and candy continues to be a favorite of mine so if you find yourself in the Hollywood Hills of Chico next year either as a parent or dressed for a night in the grotto at Hef’s, stop by and say hi….Just expect a Fireball and a beer if you drop those three childhood words on me when I answer the door.

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this first day of November and remember to set those clocks back between cocktails this weekend and remember……Vodka may not solve your problems but it’s tastier than milk.

#Halloween #Chico