Friday, March 29, 2013

Rain and myself...The breakup

Dear Rain,
As a farmer I know I have a love/hate relationship with you depending on what time of year it is. After calling you several times and sending you numerous texts from January to February I finally got the hint that you were finally through with me but alas just as I begin getting comfortable with my current love sunshine and spring you have to storm back into my life like a jilted Taylor Swift love song and try to bring me down. Listen, I did love you at one point and time, we had so much fun as you poured precious drops into our reservoirs while I smiled like Charlie Sheen on $1 lap dance night at the local strip club knowing that you were not going to leave me or when you kept a constant layer of fresh powder in the mountains so we could be together weather it was on skis or a sled but now after not hearing from you for so long you are as welcome as open body sores before a clothing optional date with Kate Upton.  I just want to reiterate to you that we are through but never wanting to burn bridges if things don’t work out with spring and the sunshine then who knows…..Maybe we can get back together again. This break will be good for us both, I mean you can see what’s out there in other states and countries that grow medium grain rice and stay with them and maybe you may enjoy what they have to offer and it will allow me and sunshine to see if we are really meant to be and if it doesn’t work out for the both of us I got your number and like CRJ says I’ll call you maybe…..
PS. Happy Friday peeps on this Easter weekend, enjoy a cocktail some egg hunting and through God a curve by showing up to church with the family on Sunday and remember……Cadbury eggs do not come from cage free bunnies.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Voting your way to marriage

Dear Supreme Court Protesters,
Most of you know that I being the quiet and reserved type I tend to never lend my opinion on issues that are deemed so hot buttoned that it would ruin the political aspirations I have said no one ever.  As most of you scream, holler and scamper your way on TV to state your point about Prop. 8 what is lost in the whole argument is that this law was established by the vote of the people of California and not enacted by local or state government.  Let me repeat that for all of you…It was put into place by the majority vote of the people of our great state. If this logic that you are using holds true where the popular vote does not count anymore in our nation then I want hearings next week to repeal barry from the highest office in the land and to completely revamp Senate and Congress. Listen, I support any kind of marriage because that just means more opportunity for free cocktails and mic dropping speeches along with the possibility of a bridesmaid becoming the future Mrs. Monroe. I don’t care if you’re a man and a woman or man and a man or women and a women or dog and cat if you love someone that is all that matters.  Contrary to popular belief you do not need a piece of paper and the government’s approval to let someone know you love them and with the way the sanctimony of marriage is treated in this day and age it basically amounts to a generous tax break and the distinct possibility of splitting up your assets and children’s home life in a few years. Whatever side you are on when it comes to the marriage issue it is appalling to me to compare Prop. 8 to the plight of blacks at the turn on the century or Jews during World War II, at no time did anyone hang you for the color of your skin or burned you and your family for who you prayed to. So I have a plan for you that most people in this great nation that we call the United State do when we want change…VOTE. If you think something is unconstitutional get out and November and cast your ballot and if enough people believe in your cause or ideas it will happen, it is one of the principles that we were founded on and still value to this day.
PS. Happy hump day peeps so give a hug to whomever or whatever you love and remember……The next time you are chopping lettuce to cry, it will make onions feel much better about themselves.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Life, liberty and Rand Paul

Dear Rand Paul,
I would like to take this day to salute you. You are the new hybrid that our founding fathers had in mind when they created this great nation that we all call home. You are neither democrat nor republican or even independent, you are America. You share the views of the majority of the working class of this country and when I say this it includes the rich to the poor, the key word is “working”. Rand people say your old man is just a tad bit on the crazy side with his ideas, I say they are scared because he is just another old white guy with progressive ideas that are game changers, you are the man that can bridge that gap between “crazy” and “game changer”. The Republican Party is in at a turning point in their existence and without drastic change they will fail.  For years they have marched out the same old white guy with a tired agenda touting how he can fix everything with the same methods that failed the previous shuffle board playing blue hair trying to figure out why Florida looks a lot like DC while liberals sit back and laugh while enjoying yet another tofu and solar sandwich in their chaffered electric car which was paid for with taxpayer dollars enjoying the fact that you will forever be stuck in neutral while they lap you faster than Ricky Bobby can say shake-n-bake.  Well here is a little warning to those people who previously called campuses such as Berkley home….Rand Paul, Bobby Jindal, Marco Rubio, etc. (I’m still just humble enough to not add my name to the list quite yet) are the new rock stars on the block and they are just what this great nation needs to bring itself from the brink that we are teetering on and move us forward and continue to claim our spot at the top of the medal stand.  Keep up the good fight Rand and if you need anyone to tap in for you on another marathon session on the floor give me a call, I’ll be your wingman anytime.
PS. Happy Friday peeps and the weather is looking sunny and warm for the weekend so enjoy it with a cocktail on the porch swing or wherever you may be and remember……If your aunt had nuts she would be your uncle.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Locals are the life blood of our region

Dear Glenn County Board of Supervisors,
I was very proud of you last year when you stood up against the liberal side of the river and voted down a ban of alcohol on the Sacramento River on the local holiday that we call Labor Day. But alas you have now taken a page out of the Bloomberg playbook and decided that government knows what is best for us the people. As a formal reveler in this beer drinking shenanigans of a weekend I do know that some people tend to overindulge themselves and some ladies reminded me that God will indeed bless me with daughters when I decide to procreate. The problem does not for the most part lie in the student or local population that partakes in this weekend and many other weekends on the river or on the town in our great region the issue revolves around outsiders and those who lack common sense.  The tragedy that occurred on the river last Labor Day that triggered the uproar among local politicians was a sad reminder of this. Yes, the kid from Cal Poly did have booze in his system but was also hopped up on cocaine and left by his so called friends the day he drowned. Let’s see here Alex I will take the cause of most of Chico’s problems for a $1,000...The answer is; “Non local, drugs and lack of common sense and responsibility”, you are correct! Chico State students and people who call this area home have never been the problem, yes we do like to have fun but we use common sense and have pride in our community in doing so. Stop blaming the people who make Chico what it is and start addressing the problems that have always and will continue to be the issue, we don’t need a mother we need leadership.
PS.  Happy hump day peeps and although the rains has dampened this farmer’s day make the most out of this first day of spring and remember…..What you do when you are blacked out drunk is none of your business.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My campaign to become Pope

Dear new Pope,
Let me be the first to congratulate you on your new gig. I have been anxiously waiting by my phone hoping that my dream of ruling over 1.2 billion people and the keys to the greatest ride this side of the General Lee would come true but alas when the white smoke came billowing out and my dreams were crushed yet again by the sight of an old white dude who has the ability to order in multiple languages was disheartening.  To make the most out of another lost opportunity to spread my gospel to the masses and enjoy the fact that my well being would be in the hands of my fellow Swiss brethren with a bad taste in clothes and an even worse choice in modern weapons (Is there already an assault rifle ban at the Vatican?) I ask you Pope for a few favors. First, please allow for wedding ceremonies that I don’t have to take a few days off of work to attend. I mean I’m not asking for a Kardashian affair but please allow me to not have to shave again when the priest finally asks the groom to kiss the bride.  Second, while at these weddings it would be nice not to feel like I’m at a cross fit session. With all the up then down again moments I feel that I’m one Jillian Michaels scream away from exhaustion.  Lastly, when it comes to communion mix it up a bit, I mean imagine the influx of youth that would flock to the church for fireball and popcorn or tequila and Slim Jims as opposed to wine and stale crackers? Heck if you offered good vodka, beef jerky and the promise that lighting would not strike me when I walked between the pews I would definitely be seeing you more frequently on Sundays.  So please take these small requests into consideration and enjoy your time at the top and know that JC is looking down and he really frowns upon failure.
PS. Spring is here peeps and that means tractors will be moving and fields will be flooded so find a farmer and hug him or her and remember……It’s true that booze does kill people but how many are born because of it?

Friday, March 8, 2013

Thieves love affair with farms

Dear drug craving copper thieves & street racers,
On a typical Thursday night I usually find myself having a thirst quenching cocktail at one of the fine local establishments that serve some of the best libations around while conducting interviews with what could in fact be one of the next rose recipients on the reality show that is my life and if the evening progresses faster than a Rand Paul filibuster myself and said bachelorette may be whisked away for an evening of candle light, beaches, dinner, music and possibly an invite to the fantasy suite. Okay whom am I kidding, by that I mean they are getting a slice of pie from Franky’s, and a semi cold beer on the beach below Scotty’s as White Snake blares on the Iphone with the hope of one of the doublewide’s being unoccupied so we don’t have to sleep in the truck (I’m messing on all this lady’s, so please don’t judge!). Instead of partaking in all those wonderful things I was awaking from my dreams of Kate Upton and baseball to one of my employees informing me that one of your kind had decided to cross that line that most of us refer to as a fence and visit our property again.  As I grabbed my gun and walked out the door a couple thoughts popped in mind; first why is it that every time Hollywood runs out of ideas and says to itself, “Hey, let’s get Vin and the QB from Varsity Blues back together, add a couple black guys, hot girls and an Asian along with a wrestler who’s eyebrow has ADD and put them into some fast cars with bad paint jobs?!” do kids think this is a go to turn every straight away into a racetrack? At least if you are going to use my driveway to stage these events please NASCAR it up by dropping in some ice cold beer and some blondes who want to piss off their daddy’s. Secondly why is it that the class of such destinations as Linda, Bangor, Oroville, Olivehurst, Etc. decide to do all their shopping at the neighborhood farm and ranch? Now I know that copper is going for around $3/lb. currently and the amount of wire needed to hit that magic number would take you months to reach so here is a little suggestion…Leave the wire, take the $20 bill that I taped to the pump and follow the instruction that state “call cab, take to After Bay, put head in water to look for hidden rock and to not come up for air even if you can’t breathe anymore”  If neither of these options work for you guys you can always go with Option C which is always a favorite of mine and goes like this…Wait there for me to arrive with my 2nd amendment right in my hand and know that I have 3,000 acres, a backhoe and a bad memory. See ya’ll soon!
PS. Aloha Friday peeps enjoy that weekend of sun and fun and remember…..If you fall, the floor will be there to catch you.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Welcome home Hugo

Dear Satan,
You have had many fine residents over the last few years join you in your little paradise known as Hell (when I say Hell I am not talking about the stretch of road that runs from Modesto to Bakersfield or the hamlet that we in God’s Country refer to as Oroville.).  From the billionaire cave dweller who is still wondering where those 72 virgins are that he was promised to the former ruler of that country we are currently on the tab for at a $60 billion clip you have the makings of your very own rat pack. With yesterdays passing of Hugo Chavez those boys along with the vertically challenged puppet with the 80’s troll hairdo and a passion for Elvis (who can blame him for that) that called North Korea home now have a 4th for those heated shuffle board games on Friday nights. Now I know old HC is going to rant and rave like those long time residents Stalin and Mussolini about the joys of socialism and everything they did for the people of their country’s and the evils of capitalism and continue to wonder why they didn’t get to punch that ticket to visit St. Peter at the pearly gate. Once again reaffirm to them and your new guest who can be as fiery as a double shot of siriracha that he and the rest of his new dorm mates are in the right place and soon will be joined by the right handed former junk ball inning eater that heads that paradise 90 miles off the coast of Florida once someone shuts off the jukebox that keeps blasting the theme from “Weekend at Bernie’s” and they can all smile and know that the current leader of the greatest country in the world continues to try and implement their failed socialist agenda on the hard working people of our great nation.
PS. Happy hump day peeps from beautiful Northern California and remember….Tramp stamps are God’s Google maps for single fellows.  

Friday, March 1, 2013

Biggest little city in the world

Dear Reno,
Let me be the first to wish everyone a happy sequester day! Yes, I woke up this morning and the sun was shining, I still had my health, friends, house, medical benefits that I pay for, etc. To celebrate this occasion on a day where the government gets to feel like the rest of us hard working citizens when we open up our paychecks and see we have been fleeced by the tax laws created by the people that we voted into office I have decided to do my American duty to stimulate the economy and head to “Biggest Little City the World”. Reno be prepared; I have a great group of friends, an ice chest full of booze, tickets to Reckless Kelley and a bonus check that looked a lot better before I realized that being a successful single white male, 18-45 in my tax bracket was frowned upon by the US government to unleash on you. My warning to you Reno and the Nugget is this: By the time I get done with you the Rain Man suite will now be graced with the simple moniker in gold that states “Rice King” and the ladies of the Wild Orchid pack those umbrella’s along with the glitter and pole juice because there is rain predicted in the forecast (and just in case I lose my ass at the tables and have to rain quarters on you instead of paper bills). Reno, we will meet in a few short hours so have those pleated party pants clean and pressed my friend.  In honor of this first day of March I’m keeping it short and sweet so pay it forward peeps, make someone smile just because and God Bless….
PS. Your feedback on my writing is what puts a smile on my face and remember……..Champagne is the new gateway drug.