Dear 2022 CMA Awards,
Hello friends! Much like Christmas and Thanksgiving the CMA Awards Show comes once a year and gives us a purpose to gather round as a family and comment on all that is wrong with what Nashville likes to refer to as “country” music. As your host for this annual event I would like you to grab a drink, sit back and enjoy the 11th or 12th annual review of the CMA Awards brought to you this year once again by our gold sponsor Tito’s Vodka….
- Show opens with Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert paying tribute to the coal miner’s daughter. I’m just going to turn the TV off and call it a night, you have finally won CMA’s.
- Reba now takes the stage, Costco doesn't have enough crackers for this.
- Can we add an amendment to the Constitution that states Carrie Underwood isn't allowed to wear a dress that covers her legs.
- I feel that John Fetterman and Joe Biden’s first conversation isn't going to be as painful as Luke Bryan and Peyton Manning’s monologue.
- Four girls are singing “When will I be loved” from 8 Seconds fame. Just poured some out for Dylan McKay.
- Cody Johnson performance with the lights and smoke reminds me of Dusty. A trip back to Texas would do you good.
- $100 to the first person that punches Cole Swindell. An extra $100 if you bring me the jacket he is wearing.
- Jo Dee Meesina looks like the mom who stayed too long at Riley’s the Saturday night of graduation.
- I am an addict and Miranda is my fentanyl.
- If I was the Brother Osbourne’s parents I would have worn a condom…Both times.
- The Boot Barn commercial is the first thing I’ve seen country all night.
- Carrie Underwood’s legs are a national treasure I am Nicholas Cage.
- I see Luke Combs is the one who took all my Halloween candy.
- IPA’s see Old Dominion and run.
- I don’t know what “Country On” is but what Luke Bryan is singing isn’t indicative of it.
- Carly Pierce is another reason why women are the only hope in saving Nashville.
- I like Zach Brown better when he’s doing pushups in the end zone in South Bend on Saturdays.
- The only reason Rhett Atkins isn't disappointed in his son tonight is that he is sharing the stage with Katy Perry’s breasts.
- Hardy looks like the dude that is always asking “do you have a lighter?” at a party.
- Rip is on stage. I wish he would have brought Walker with him.
- Nashville’s new formula of hot talented blonde women sure trumps the skinny jeans and leather bracelets worn by talentless men era.
- The dude who sang “Honky Tonk, Badonka Donk” was talking about Lainy Wilson. Good Lord.
- Do panties just drop when Morgan Wallen walks into a room?
- They must keep Chris Stapleton in a glass case that says, “break if we need someone country” at these shows.
- If you are going to do a tribute to the Rolling Stones contribution to country music please choose a group with talent to do it.
- Chris Stapleton wins Male Vocalist of the Year. He now has more trophies and wives then Tom Brady.
- Jerry Lee Lewis and Maverick and Goose are the only three people allowed to sing “Great Balls of Fire”. Two are dead and the other isn’t on stage.
- You would think that with all the dangerous creatures in Australia, Keith Urban would have come across one by now.
- This isn’t the first time I have seen Jon Pardi cover Alan Jackson. It was usually followed by the DUI song. Jon, hear me out…Northern Comfort reunion.
- I’m proud to say the shirt that Alan Jackson is currently wearing is hanging in my closet.
- If you didn’t shed a tear during Alan Jackson’s speech, you have never sang along to “Chattahoochee” with a cold beer in your hand drunk at a bonfire.
- Entertainer of the Year…Luke Combs. In his speech he states that, “country hasn’t sounded this country in a while.” We must not be watching the same show.
Much like spending the holidays with relatives this gets harder for me to do each year. I keep saying it is going to get better but the family continues to fail. You then give up on them and search elsewhere for that love you have been missing since Garth and George took the stage regularly. You meet people like Sturgill, Ryan, Cody C and Randy and start a whole new tradition. God Bless…
Ps. Happy Pre-Friday peeps, I wish I still had the time to do this regularly but for now please enjoy and remember…Caveman didn’t leave drawings of salads on rock walls.
