Dear World Cup,
It’s been a week since the United States was eliminated from
soccer’s version of the Super Bowl and the collective hope of 10’s of peoples
dream of soccer being relevant to the rest of us across the nation came to a screeching
halt. What is the fascination with a sport that is popular among the 6 to 12
year old suburbanite demographic but can’t seem to catch on with the rest of
the country? Every four years we are inundated with a media blitz of Olympic proportion
that attempts to convince us that soccer matters. I’m here to tell you in the bluntest
manner that it doesn’t. The facts that back this assumption up are insurmountable
to the purists of the sport. You see we are a developed nation with tastes that
lean more towards sports that take more skill than running up and down a field
for 80 minutes with not a score in sight. Running around and chasing things and
not scoring is something I did in college. It was below average then and even
worse now. God gave us hands for a reason other than creating fire and tools. They
are meant to throw balls and also catch them along with controlling wood and
metal objects with the sole purpose of hitting the previously mentioned ball. We
like our professional sports figures to have preferably two names thus given us
the opportunity to at least pronounce one right. This point alone eliminates over
120 million people who call the Southern United States home as a potential fan
base. Americans most of all like our athletes tough and full of heart. Think
Kirk Gibson hobbling to the plate in the World Series, Jack Youngblood excelling
in the Super Bowl with a broken leg or NBA legend Willis Reed limping onto the
court with a torn muscle in his leg to lead the Knicks to a victory all those
years ago. Hell, just turn on a National Hockey League game on any given night
to see athletes that leave everything on the playing field. Soccer players get
within 10 yards of each other and they are falling, flailing and grabbing appendages
as if they just ran across an IED. Stretchers are meant for people who have
been hurt or maimed, not grown men who’s unsavory choice in dental care only
outweighs there stylist. The argument that soccer sucks continues to add up
with each point laid before you. This is not must watch TV, its three weeks of
CSPAN in primetime. You want me to like soccer? It’s simple, don’t be soccer
and keep handing out those Capri Suns and orange slices because everyone has
time for that….
PS. Happy hump day peeps and sorry it’s been so long, work
and writers block are a terrible thing when you’re trying to bring smiles to
the masses and remember…..If there’s one thing you can be sure of in life, its
corn dogs.
PS2: For those of you who love to see follow me as a stagger
through life in style, check me out on Instagram @ Riceking501. I promise you
won’t be disappointed.
#worldcup #USA #Brazil #soccersucks #thirdworldsport #empireliving
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