Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Soccer...Ain't no one got time for that

Dear World Cup,

It’s been a week since the United States was eliminated from soccer’s version of the Super Bowl and the collective hope of 10’s of peoples dream of soccer being relevant to the rest of us across the nation came to a screeching halt. What is the fascination with a sport that is popular among the 6 to 12 year old suburbanite demographic but can’t seem to catch on with the rest of the country? Every four years we are inundated with a media blitz of Olympic proportion that attempts to convince us that soccer matters. I’m here to tell you in the bluntest manner that it doesn’t. The facts that back this assumption up are insurmountable to the purists of the sport. You see we are a developed nation with tastes that lean more towards sports that take more skill than running up and down a field for 80 minutes with not a score in sight. Running around and chasing things and not scoring is something I did in college. It was below average then and even worse now. God gave us hands for a reason other than creating fire and tools. They are meant to throw balls and also catch them along with controlling wood and metal objects with the sole purpose of hitting the previously mentioned ball. We like our professional sports figures to have preferably two names thus given us the opportunity to at least pronounce one right. This point alone eliminates over 120 million people who call the Southern United States home as a potential fan base. Americans most of all like our athletes tough and full of heart. Think Kirk Gibson hobbling to the plate in the World Series, Jack Youngblood excelling in the Super Bowl with a broken leg or NBA legend Willis Reed limping onto the court with a torn muscle in his leg to lead the Knicks to a victory all those years ago. Hell, just turn on a National Hockey League game on any given night to see athletes that leave everything on the playing field. Soccer players get within 10 yards of each other and they are falling, flailing and grabbing appendages as if they just ran across an IED. Stretchers are meant for people who have been hurt or maimed, not grown men who’s unsavory choice in dental care only outweighs there stylist. The argument that soccer sucks continues to add up with each point laid before you. This is not must watch TV, its three weeks of CSPAN in primetime. You want me to like soccer? It’s simple, don’t be soccer and keep handing out those Capri Suns and orange slices because everyone has time for that….

PS. Happy hump day peeps and sorry it’s been so long, work and writers block are a terrible thing when you’re trying to bring smiles to the masses and remember…..If there’s one thing you can be sure of in life, its corn dogs.

PS2: For those of you who love to see follow me as a stagger through life in style, check me out on Instagram @ Riceking501. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

#worldcup #USA #Brazil #soccersucks #thirdworldsport #empireliving

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