Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Black Friday as told by Maury Povich

Dear Black Friday,

Friday morning I found myself at a local coffee shop still groggy from a hangover that I was trying to determine was caused from the mass amounts of turkey or booze and great wine consumed the night before. Now usually on a Friday at 5:30AM on a holiday break Chico looks like a scene out of a post apocalyptic movie with not a soul in sight (I even suspect the homeless leave town being that there is no one to enable them or harass) as newspapers and an occasional tumble weed blows through the streets. This Friday for some reason was different. The place was packed with men, women and children with $6 coffee in hand discussing their plan of attack on numerous retail stores in the city. At first I thought an act of domestic terrorism might be unfolding before my very eyes but then realized that there were too many yoga pants, Uggs and Northface jackets to be something so sinister. It then donned on me that this could only mean one thing…..Black Friday. There is no better example of the deterioration of the human society other than a marathon of the Kardashian’s on the E Network. I decided to do some research on the phenomenon that is “Black Friday” and drove by some of the large retail stores that are scattered throughout town. Littered among them were tent cities, parking lots full of cars, husbands that would rather still be in bed and kids who were wondering why they were spending the last days of their Thanksgiving break at the local Sears or WalMart. My take away message from my fact-finding mission where as followed:

1.       If you have to wait in line for a week to save $100 on a TV you should not be buying that television. You cannot afford it so instead of wasting  the 40 hours you just did in a tent in the middle of winter go out and get a job that allows you to have enough disposable income to purchase this same TV anytime you want. It’s the truest form of capitalism.
2.       If you think that the “deal” you are getting on whatever consumer product you have woke up at an ungodly hour or left your family in the middle dessert to acquire is saving you money you are delusional or may have drank too much Fireball. When there are 100 of you standing in line and there are only 10 $50 surround sound systems to be had that means 90 of you are going home empty handed or with one that you could have purchased at the same price at 3PM that you are getting it for at 5AM. This math works even in Chico State graduate terms.
3.       Underwear no matter how lacy, blenders, power tools, cabbage patch kids, etc. are not a reason for a good pepper spraying, stabbing or homicide especially if it’s during the pre dawn hours. If I’m going to be involved in any of these three unsavory acts it better be in Detroit and there better be a movie deal soon to follow.

America, I have faith in you. Let’s show the world especially during the holiday season that we are not the cesspool that we are perceived to be…… We have Honey Boo Boo and Kimmie K for that.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this extremely cold day in December. I hope you’re staying warm and remember….Life isn’t filled with mistakes they’re just happy accidents. 


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