Dear American Country Awards,
Hello again country music fans and I welcome you to the latest installment of the state of your music industry. The last time I left you I had just concluded viewing the debacle that is the CMA awards buy inserting the remote control into the front of my TV with the force of a Roger Clemens fastball before pissing in a cup was standard for signing a contract. With the recent purchase of a new television and the vodka locked in the cupboard I have decided to give mainstream country music another chance and once again share with you the audience my thoughts on the evening…..
1. Show starts off as if it was Tony Romo down by a touchdown in the 4th quarter. Parading out a NASCAR driver who I have more wins then and a dude who was relevant as an opening act in the 90’s who still thinks that ponytails are fresh is no way to win over a suspect audience. (This isn’t looking good)
2. Glow sticks….And not a European house band in sight.
3. Does WalMart carry a Trace Adkins line of menswear and if so does it come in something other than black?
4. Luke Bryan’s wife finally put a stop to him borrowing her pants.
5. Why are Matthew McConaughey and ZZ Top sharing a stage together at a country awards show? I also think I have found where Randy Jackson has been hiding.
6. Two awards down and still not a pair of Wranglers or a cowboy hat in sight.
7. Trace, thank you for finally revealing to me the truth who is really responsible for “honky tonk badonkadonk”….Watch your back Randy Houser.
8. A fat white dude and the black guy from Walker, Texas Ranger are rapping….Just checked to make sure I didn’t change the channel on accident.
9. I still like Blake Shelton.
10. Was just informed that Hootie and Sheryl Crowe would be sharing the same stage together. Hid the remote from myself…TV’s are expensive post Black Friday.
11. Jewel….Still looking good.
12. The 90’s theme continues with Hootie and Sheryl collaborating. (I dare you to play Wagon Wheel)
13. Once again I spoke to soon, Wagon Wheel is currently spewing out of Hootie’s mouth…Just broke into the cupboard and poured myself a glass of medicine.
14. Just put a legend like Dwight Yoakam on stage and then disgrace him by having him present Brad Paisley with an award…Currently trying to find where I hid the remote.
15. More skinny jeans and hats that have some semblance to what a cowboy would wear…At the hour and a half mark and still don’t know if this is a country awards show.
16. Is Olivia Newton John receiving a standing ovation for her performance opposite John Travolta??....3 days removed from Fireball and still confused.
17. There you are Taylor.
18. Leanne Rhymes stills got it.
19. Leather bro tanks, popped collars and Mohawks have once again revealed themselves on the same stage together…The Fireball pledge may not last long.
20. Joe Buck is actually pleasurable to hear compared to the acts that have trotted out on stage.
21. Luke Bryan, there is a street somewhere that you need to play in.
22. Trace, I’ve giving you more press in this review than you’ve received in the last 10 years, you are not getting me to talk about you more even after that performance.
This show has changed my mind…Country music could go lower than what was witnessed last month at the CMA’s. The only positive I can take home from this is that there was no damage done to the television. Now only if I can find that remote….
PS. Happy hump day peeps on a cold day in December. Stay warm and remember….If Rob Ford can be mayor of Toronto you can be anything.
#Nashville #countrymusic #ACA