Dear American Country Awards,
Hello again country music fans and I welcome you to the
latest installment of the state of your music industry. The last time I left
you I had just concluded viewing the debacle that is the CMA awards buy
inserting the remote control into the front of my TV with the force of a Roger
Clemens fastball before pissing in a cup was standard for signing a contract.
With the recent purchase of a new television and the vodka locked in the
cupboard I have decided to give mainstream country music another chance and
once again share with you the audience my thoughts on the evening…..
1.
Show starts off as if it was Tony Romo down by a
touchdown in the 4th quarter. Parading out a NASCAR driver who I
have more wins then and a dude who was relevant as an opening act in the 90’s
who still thinks that ponytails are fresh is no way to win over a suspect audience.
(This isn’t looking good)
2.
Glow sticks….And not a European house band in
sight.
3.
Does WalMart carry a Trace Adkins line of menswear
and if so does it come in something other than black?
4.
Luke Bryan’s wife finally put a stop to him
borrowing her pants.
5.
Why are Matthew McConaughey and ZZ Top sharing a
stage together at a country awards show? I also think I have found where Randy
Jackson has been hiding.
6.
Two awards down and still not a pair of Wranglers
or a cowboy hat in sight.
7.
Trace, thank you for finally revealing to me the
truth who is really responsible for “honky tonk badonkadonk”….Watch your back
Randy Houser.
8.
A fat white dude and the black guy from Walker,
Texas Ranger are rapping….Just checked to make sure I didn’t change the channel
on accident.
9.
I still like Blake Shelton.
10.
Was just informed that Hootie and Sheryl Crowe
would be sharing the same stage together. Hid the remote from myself…TV’s are
expensive post Black Friday.
11.
Jewel….Still looking good.
12.
The 90’s theme continues with Hootie and Sheryl collaborating.
(I dare you to play Wagon Wheel)
13.
Once again I spoke to soon, Wagon Wheel is
currently spewing out of Hootie’s mouth…Just broke into the cupboard and poured
myself a glass of medicine.
14.
Just put a legend like Dwight Yoakam on stage
and then disgrace him by having him present Brad Paisley with an award…Currently
trying to find where I hid the remote.
15.
More skinny jeans and hats that have some
semblance to what a cowboy would wear…At the hour and a half mark and still don’t
know if this is a country awards show.
16.
Is Olivia Newton John receiving a standing ovation
for her performance opposite John Travolta??....3 days removed from Fireball
and still confused.
17.
There you are Taylor.
18.
Leanne Rhymes stills got it.
19.
Leather bro tanks, popped collars and Mohawks have
once again revealed themselves on the same stage together…The Fireball pledge
may not last long.
20.
Joe Buck is actually pleasurable to hear
compared to the acts that have trotted out on stage.
21.
Luke Bryan, there is a street somewhere that you
need to play in.
22.
Trace, I’ve giving you more press in this review
than you’ve received in the last 10 years, you are not getting me to talk about
you more even after that performance.
This show has changed my mind…Country music could go lower
than what was witnessed last month at the CMA’s. The only positive I can take
home from this is that there was no damage done to the television. Now only if
I can find that remote….
PS. Happy hump day peeps on a cold day in December. Stay
warm and remember….If Rob Ford can be mayor of Toronto you can be anything.
#Nashville #countrymusic #ACA
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