Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The state of mainstream country music: 2014 edition

Dear CMA Awards,

Hello everybody and I would like to welcome you my 3rd annual review of the CMA Awards show. Yes, it’s that time of year again when I settle on the couch with a bottle of vodka in one hand and optimism in the other to give you my thoughts on the state of mainstream country music today.

1.       Good start to the show. The producers must have read my review last year because they are trying to throw me off by attacking my weakness…Hot blonde women. Well played Nashville.
2.       Taylor Swift is seated next to the King George Strait. 15 minutes into the show and my TV has its first near death experience.
3.       48 other states are glad they are not associated with the Buckle commercial that is masquerading as a country music duet that is currently on stage.
4.       Taking scissors to a Garth Brooks t-shirt for reasons other than dressing a wound is punishable by death in most regions of the country.
5.       I’m currently accepting donations on Brad Paisley’s part to fund the purchase and shaping of a new hat.
6.       365 days later and I am still trying to find a reason to hate Blake Shelton. Still, no closer to this goal.
7.       Nashville, do you see that…Jeans, boots and a cowboy hat. No frills. His name is George Strait and he has once again saved my TV from certain doom.
8.       Lee Brice, are you capable of singing about anything that isn’t automobile related?
9.       If they gave Guy Fieri a guitar, his look could pass as a country act in Nashville.
10.   Eric Church, when you decide to look like a Beatle at least chose one with talent.
11.   The rip in the skinny jean is a new touch to the Nashville starter kit.
12.   Once again there attempt at trickery to cloud my judgment has no bounds. The use of a hot Columbian blonde is criminal.
13.   I see Taylor Swift hasn’t taken my advice to play in a busy street.
14.   Is Prince Harry Florida or Georgia?
15.   I would have preferred “Bad Medicine” over that song that Jon Bon Jovi just preformed…Wait, you’re telling me that’s Keith Urban???
16.   Hootie just flashed across the screen. It’s time remove the remote from the equation.  
17.   “Call me elf one more time….” –Justin Moore
18.   Finally, tight jeans on a woman.
19.   Tim and Faith. Class and elegance at its finest.
20.   Carrie Underwood, there is a box of crackers on my nightstand with your name on it.
21.   Jason Aldean, a silk scarf cancels out all “bad ass” you were trying to achieve with that black ensemble.
22.   Remember when Toby Keith was relevant?
23.   Leather bracelets are the Swatch Watches of Nashville country music.
24.   2 ½ hours in and the Taylor Swift sightings are minimal. I inch myself closer to the remote.
25.   Spoke to soon. Hootie you now owe me a new flat screen TV. Moving to bedroom to finish the review.
26.   Kacey Musgraves, the box of crackers on the other side of the bed is yours.
27.   Merle, George and Garth. Nashville, you see what’s presently on stage…That’s country.
28.   For the record, I’m currently in Chico, CA so the guy on stage in Vegas singing lead vocals for Rascal Flats cannot be me.
29.   3 hours, a half a bottle of vodka and many drunk texts (sorry ladies) later you finally get something right. There is a reason why he’s been cranking out #1’s in your genera for over 30 years. The old adage if it ain’t broken can be applied here.

Skinny jeans, deep V-necks, leather bracelets, hair gel and cookie cutter boy band looks have replaced what we all knew as country music growing up. Congratulations hipsters, your takeover of Nashville is complete….You still owe me a television Hootie.

PS. Happy hump day peeps. The weather is warming up which means the tractors will be kicking up dust soon so enjoy yourself and remember…..The difference between being romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person finds you. Now that’s sage advice.

#ACMA’s #Nashville #countrymusic #empireliving 

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