Dear CMA Awards,
Hello everybody and I would like to welcome you my 3rd
annual review of the CMA Awards show. Yes, it’s that time of year again when I
settle on the couch with a bottle of vodka in one hand and optimism in the
other to give you my thoughts on the state of mainstream country music today.
1.
Good start to the show. The producers must have
read my review last year because they are trying to throw me off by attacking
my weakness…Hot blonde women. Well played Nashville.
2.
Taylor Swift is seated next to the King George
Strait. 15 minutes into the show and my TV has its first near death experience.
3.
48 other states are glad they are not associated
with the Buckle commercial that is masquerading as a country music duet that is
currently on stage.
4.
Taking scissors to a Garth Brooks t-shirt for
reasons other than dressing a wound is punishable by death in most regions of
the country.
5.
I’m currently accepting donations on Brad
Paisley’s part to fund the purchase and shaping of a new hat.
6.
365 days later and I am still trying to find a
reason to hate Blake Shelton. Still, no closer to this goal.
7.
Nashville, do you see that…Jeans, boots and a
cowboy hat. No frills. His name is George Strait and he has once again saved my
TV from certain doom.
8.
Lee Brice, are you capable of singing about
anything that isn’t automobile related?
9.
If they gave Guy Fieri a guitar, his look could
pass as a country act in Nashville.
10.
Eric Church, when you decide to look like a
Beatle at least chose one with talent.
11.
The rip in the skinny jean is a new touch to the
Nashville starter kit.
12.
Once again there attempt at trickery to cloud my
judgment has no bounds. The use of a hot Columbian blonde is criminal.
13.
I see Taylor Swift hasn’t taken my advice to
play in a busy street.
14.
Is Prince Harry Florida or Georgia?
15.
I would have preferred “Bad Medicine” over that
song that Jon Bon Jovi just preformed…Wait, you’re telling me that’s Keith
Urban???
16.
Hootie just flashed across the screen. It’s time
remove the remote from the equation.
17.
“Call me elf one more time….” –Justin Moore
18.
Finally, tight jeans on a woman.
19.
Tim and Faith. Class and elegance at its finest.
20.
Carrie Underwood, there is a box of crackers on
my nightstand with your name on it.
21.
Jason Aldean, a silk scarf cancels out all “bad
ass” you were trying to achieve with that black ensemble.
22.
Remember when Toby Keith was relevant?
23.
Leather bracelets are the Swatch Watches of
Nashville country music.
24.
2 ½ hours in and the Taylor Swift sightings are
minimal. I inch myself closer to the remote.
25.
Spoke to soon. Hootie you now owe me a new flat
screen TV. Moving to bedroom to finish the review.
26.
Kacey Musgraves, the box of crackers on the
other side of the bed is yours.
27.
Merle, George and Garth. Nashville, you see what’s
presently on stage…That’s country.
28.
For the record, I’m currently in Chico, CA so
the guy on stage in Vegas singing lead vocals for Rascal Flats cannot be me.
29.
3 hours, a half a bottle of vodka and many drunk
texts (sorry ladies) later you finally get something right. There is a reason
why he’s been cranking out #1’s in your genera for over 30 years. The old adage
if it ain’t broken can be applied here.
Skinny jeans, deep V-necks, leather bracelets, hair gel and
cookie cutter boy band looks have replaced what we all knew as country music growing
up. Congratulations hipsters, your takeover of Nashville is complete….You still
owe me a television Hootie.
PS. Happy hump day peeps. The weather is warming up which
means the tractors will be kicking up dust soon so enjoy yourself and remember…..The
difference between being romantic and creepy is how attractive the other person
finds you. Now that’s sage advice.
#ACMA’s #Nashville #countrymusic #empireliving
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