Dear Chris Soules of the Bachelor,
For years numerous friends have told me that I should toss my name into the hat as a contestant on “The Bachelor”. They informed me that America needs someone that is “real” along with being handsome, charming, witty and engaging (hey, there words not mine). Additionally, what better way to bring light to agriculture then to have millions of viewers tune in each week and watch a farmer find love one rose ceremony at a time. I am here to tell you and the rest of America that I am sorry… I blame myself for not following through with these requests and thus, the result of my lack of action is this poor example of a “farmer” that ABC brings you every week on the latest installment of the Bachelor. When Paul Harvey penned, “So God made a Farmer” he was not talking about Chris Soules. Farmers do not shovel grain out of silos wearing 7 for all Mankind jeans and designer Italian loafers. Ranchers do not ride around on a horse checking dairy cattle in a RVCA shirt with freshly removed sleeves and a pair of skinny jeans you picked up at the Diesel store in Des Moines. I know, you are all saying to yourself, “Marcus, aren’t you the one that is constantly trying to change how we picture a farmer in America?” The answer to that is indubitably YES, but even I don’t wear what I’m going to the club in later that night to the ranch in the morning. Rhinestone pocketed jeans are made for Friday nights and look best when worn by women not Monday morning solving the world’s problems with Earl and the boys at the local coffee shop (Andy Stone this means you also). It’s not just the clothing choices that this self-anointed “prince farming” makes but it is the lack of “the whole package” that he brings us each week. Let me expound on this. The art of finding a significant other to not only date but eventually spend the rest of your life with takes many skills. The first of these is the ability to put words together and form sentences. Most people call this “talking” and is something we learn to do as adolescences. Chris Soules on the other hand takes the simple art of conversation and turn it into something that resembles the Cookie Monster after an all-night bender of vodka and bad decisions. It pains me to hear what his response is when one of the girls asks him how his day is. How many “ummmms” and blank stares can one fit into their daily communication? Other talents that women look for when searching for a significant other include humor, intelligence and attractiveness. All of which are mostly attainable for the general male population in one form or another. Once again, Chris fails in these categories. When you lack one or all of these basic life skills there is that one trump card that most of us can’t fall back on…BEING RICH! Yes, Chris you land into this category thanks to your parents farming empire and the lottery you won by being born into it, congrats! This fact alone will insure that one of the finalists makes her way to the land of corn and a lack in elevation and call you husband for a nominal period of time. The old adage is that “any press is good press” when it comes to the media. In the case of the Bachelor masquerading as a farmer this statement can be tossed out the door. It is going to take years to convince the public that we are not what they witness for 2 hours every Monday night. Chris, with only three women remaining I’ll forget about all the damage you have done to the perceived image the public has of a farmer by cutting Becca lose. I think she would look much better in Northern California….Wait, who am I kidding you would screw that up also. This farmer needs a hug….
PS. Happy Friday peeps on this beautiful day in God’s Country. Enjoy your weekend and remember….If your pants are too tight you should probably stop shopping at the Baby Gap.
#Bachelor #ABC #chrissoules #Iowa #corn #pricefarming #empireliving