Dear Chris Soules of the Bachelor,
For years numerous friends have told me that I should toss
my name into the hat as a contestant on “The Bachelor”. They informed me that
America needs someone that is “real” along with being handsome, charming, witty
and engaging (hey, there words not mine). Additionally, what better way to
bring light to agriculture then to have millions of viewers tune in each week
and watch a farmer find love one rose ceremony at a time. I am here to tell you
and the rest of America that I am sorry… I blame myself for not following
through with these requests and thus, the result of my lack of action is this
poor example of a “farmer” that ABC brings you every week on the latest
installment of the Bachelor. When Paul Harvey penned, “So
God made a Farmer” he was not talking about Chris Soules. Farmers do not shovel
grain out of silos wearing 7 for all Mankind jeans and designer Italian
loafers. Ranchers do not ride around on a horse checking dairy cattle in a RVCA
shirt with freshly removed sleeves and a pair of skinny jeans you picked up at
the Diesel store in Des Moines. I know, you are all saying to yourself,
“Marcus, aren’t you the one that is constantly trying to change how we picture
a farmer in America?” The answer to that is indubitably YES, but even I don’t
wear what I’m going to the club in later that night to the ranch in the morning.
Rhinestone pocketed jeans are made for Friday nights and look best when worn by
women not Monday morning solving the world’s problems with Earl and the boys at
the local coffee shop (Andy Stone this means you also). It’s not just the
clothing choices that this self-anointed “prince farming” makes but it is the
lack of “the whole package” that he brings us each week. Let me expound on
this. The art of finding a significant other to not only date but eventually
spend the rest of your life with takes many skills. The first of these is the
ability to put words together and form sentences. Most people call this
“talking” and is something we learn to do as adolescences. Chris Soules on the
other hand takes the simple art of conversation and turn it into something that
resembles the Cookie Monster after an all-night bender of vodka and bad
decisions. It pains me to hear what his response is when one of the girls asks
him how his day is. How many “ummmms” and blank stares can one fit into their
daily communication? Other talents that women look for when searching for a
significant other include humor, intelligence and attractiveness. All of which
are mostly attainable for the general male population in one form or another.
Once again, Chris fails in these categories. When you lack one or all of these
basic life skills there is that one trump card that most of us can’t fall back
on…BEING RICH! Yes, Chris you land into this category thanks to your parents
farming empire and the lottery you won by being born into it, congrats! This
fact alone will insure that one of the finalists makes her way to the land of
corn and a lack in elevation and call you husband for a nominal period of time.
The old adage is that “any press is good press” when it comes to the media. In
the case of the Bachelor masquerading as a farmer this statement can be tossed
out the door. It is going to take years to convince the public that we are not
what they witness for 2 hours every Monday night. Chris, with only three women
remaining I’ll forget about all the damage you have done to the perceived image
the public has of a farmer by cutting Becca lose. I think she would look much
better in Northern California….Wait, who am I kidding you would screw that up
also. This farmer needs a hug….
PS. Happy Friday peeps on this beautiful day in God’s
Country. Enjoy your weekend and remember….If your pants are too tight you
should probably stop shopping at the Baby Gap.
#Bachelor #ABC #chrissoules #Iowa #corn #pricefarming
#empireliving
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