Dear Toronto Mayor Ron Ford,
Canada has historically not offered us much as a neighbor. Usually it just sits on top of the United States like a hat and keeps our ears warm and the sun out of our eyes while also hiding the fact that the Dakota's are a part of the lower 48. With exhilarating thrills such as maple syrup and a law enforcement unit that still relies on the horse as its primary mode of transportation and is always being out smarted by a comedic moose (hey hey Rocky!!!) it always amazes me that more and more people are not clamoring to move to the Great North for the excitement that it offers. With names such as the Bieb’s, Bryan Adams and Alex Trebek (His mustache gets an exemption, that thing has greatness written all over it), you have not furnished us much in terms of exports but this could easily change. American politicians and reality TV’s finest need to be worried because a new star has emerged and his name is Ron Ford. The Toronto mayor not only carries himself like the John Boehner’s and Nancy Pelosi’s of the world he adds that little something extra in both intrigue and fondness of all things cupcake that the Kardashian’s offer. As his unofficial campaign advisory here in the States I offer you reasons why you should all like this guy:
1. Smokes crack and consume numerous other drugs on the reg.
2. Hangs with hookers in the owner’s box at football games.
3. Would boat race Chris Christie in a Krispy Kream eat-off.
4. Has his staff throw down on booze for the office.
5. Did I mention hookers??? Not just at games but also in his very own oval office.
Any man who rolls into a meeting sporting the home team’s jersey along with dropping comments concerning the reasons why he doesn’t need to play with overpriced stray cat because he has plenty of cat at home has landslide re-election written all over him. He personally had me not at hello (so cliché) but at the time he was patrolling the streets of Downtown Toronto with some of his loyal staff and always thinking safety first pulled the car over to take a swig of the vodka that was tucked between his legs. This man constantly thinks of others to his own well being unlike any other politician. If Toronto decides to unjustly remove this man from office he is just a few passport details and a renouncement of free healthcare away from heading to the greener pastures of Washington, D.C. and political greatness in our country. Marion Berry will be waiting with crack pipe and government issued rocks in hand and open arms to welcome you… Vote for Ron Ford…There’s no EHHHHH about it!!!
Ps. Happy Friday peeps on this chilly but sunny Friday in November. Canada I still love you and remember….Bloody Mary’s and bacon are the building blocks of life.