Dear CMA Awards,
It was a year ago that I found myself laying on my couch with a cocktail in hand contemplating the state of Nashville and its take on country music as I took in the debacle that is the CMA awards show. It was preached throughout the event that “country” was getting back to its roots and moving away from the bubble gum pop spectacle that it has become. Being a good journalist and always following up on importing issues affecting society I parked myself in that same couch with a repeat of the cocktail to watch the 2013 edition of the show to see how this transformation that was supposedly going to take place in the country music industry had progressed. Here are some of my thoughts and a “play by play” of what I witnessed:
1. Opening act is sporting the same skinny jeans and leather bracelets that he wore last year but as an added bonus he borrowed his sister’s prom dress because nothing screams country like sequins.
2. A man that used to look like Kenny Rogers was in the crowd but due to the numerous Botox injections it couldn’t be confirmed to be the real “Gambler”.
3. Taylor Swift….Please just go away.
4. The boys of Duck Dynasty continue to receive more exposure than a girl’s thighs standing in line at a Buck Night in December. A little is good, too much and you’re Honey Boo Boo.
5. Kasey Musgraves has that unmistakable twang that may even have Reba smiling.
6. Give me 10 years worth of Kix and Ronnie and a lifetime of fashion mistakes over the two dudes who thought they were starring in a Buckle advertisement.
7. Vince Gill has not seen a salad since 8 seconds.
8. At no time should multi-colored Mohawks, skinny jeans and scarfs be seen on any stage let alone one that is supposedly dedicated to giving a country music performance.
9. A hipster (the new hippie) and the kid from Malcolm in the Middle (I’ve been wondering what happened to him) apparently auditioned for the next season of Glee.
10. Did Cheryl Crow get real old or is that the look she is cultivating since entering the country genera of music?
11. Eric Church, please take off the black and the aviators. You are neither Johnny Cash nor Bocephus and the jeans that were purchased at Baby Gap cancel out whatever tough guy image you were trying to cultivate.
12. Is Tim McGraw dressing these days for retirement? Unless you have blue hair and a blinker that continues to signal left you don’t need to wear your trousers north of your belly button.
13. For some reason as much as I want to I cannot hate Blake Shelton.
14. Please see #3. (Where is Kanye when you need him?)
15. Carrie Underwood can still eat crackers in my bed.
16. P Diddy plus white people in Nashville equals a “deer in the headlights” look.
17. George Strait and Alan Jackson. (That’s all that needs to be said). Sit back and enjoy the magic.
18. That dude from Nirvana shows up at more places than Waldo.
19. Brad Paisley, you’ve done well for yourself. It is time to get rid of the hat you purchased at Spring Break in Cabo all those years ago and get a nice Stetson and take the time to have someone shape it other than the 5th member on Menudo.
20. Hootie decided that it wasn’t enough that he destroyed “Wagon Wheel” so he added “The Gambler” to the list. (The remote was almost thrown at the TV at this point).
21. I DO NOT look like the dude in Rascal Flats.
22. Has anyone ever seen Kenny Rogers, Col. Sanders and Don Mayo of OMC fame in the same room together….ever?
23. Luke Bryan, yoga pants are meant to be worn with Uggs not cowboy boots and more importantly by women.
24. After 3 hours and many cocktails later you finally get it right….George Strait strong.
25. I spoke to soon….Hootie strikes again. (There goes the remote).
Lesson learned. Nashville has killed country as we know it….I now need to go purchase a new TV.
PS. Happy Thursday peeps with this change of pace offering to you. Please enjoy and remember….Nobody wants to wear pants, that’s just the way the world works.