Dear 2014 Grammy Awards,
As my writings have evolved and I’ve gained an ever growing and much appreciated following I have received numerous topics from the audience to address. This week you the fans have asked for a Grammy recap and not wanting to disappoint the 10’s of fans out there (there’s more of you I’m just trying to stay grounded) after a weekend of ducks, crab feeds and debauchery I settled on my couch to absorb my latest awards show and here are my thoughts for your entertainment and pleasure…
1. Show opens with Beyonce in fishnet shorts. People who think they can change a gay male’s sexuality should not read them scriptures from the bible but show them that performance. It would scare Liberace straight.
2. Is Pharrell trying to keep talking bears from stealing pic-a-nic baskets as his latest project?
3. I keep waiting for Macklemore to go Vanilla Ice on us but he continues to dominate in a genera that has always been quite shy of all things pale.
4. Are Daft Punk’s helmets either NFL or OSHA approved?
5. Do you think God looks down at Katy Perry’s breasts and smiles knowing that some things he just got right?
6. Why has Robin Thicke traded Billy Ray’s daughter for some senior citizens that can be seen on tour at any fair or casino across the country? Peter Cetera don’t you even think about twerking on that velour.
7. Has anyone ever seen Keith Urban and Jon Bon Jovi on the same stage….Ever?
8. An hour into the event and there has yet to be a Taylor Swift sighting. This has the makings of the best awards show yet.
9. Why do I continue to jinx myself? She once again puts my TV’s safety in jeopardy.
10. Is there a piano requirement for performers tonight?
11. Taylor, I will not be tricked by your tactics of a good song, great dress and new found sexiness. You still will never be able to eat crackers in my bed.
12. Pink has caught the Crossfit craze. My question now is why isn’t she teaching my classes in that outfit?
13. Why are both male and female musicians going with the “Doug” hairstyle?
14. Is there a Rosetta Stone Ozzy Osborne edition?
15. Remember when the Beetles revolutionized music? Ringo doesn’t.
16. Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons…Enough said.
17. I’ve said this before…Kacey Musgraves’ voice with that unmistakable twang may just save Nashville.
18. Willie, Kris and Merle together…All is right with country music again. God Bless.
19. Kacey Musgraves has just been added to the list of people who can eat crackers in my bed. Did you hear that Taylor?
20. Lorde will have her own Cadillac in the driveway after tonight.
21. Metallica, remember when you guys were thee heavy metal band of our generation? You just turned every football player’s locker room pregame song into a rock opera. Bravo.
22. Hip hop artists have always been trendsetters in society. They brought us baggy jeans, backwards hats and gold chains. That same power now brings us the bolo tie. Well played Macklemore.
23. Where did Madonna come from and why is she dressed like Boss Hog of Dukes of Hazzard fame?
24. Miranda and Billy Joe Armstrong. So simple, yet so powerful.
25. CBS makes the right call but cutting Trent Reznor and Fleetwood Mac’s performance short and rolling credits. The network realizes that no one will ever get those two and a half hours back.
Overall I was truly disappointed in the product that was put forth to me for over 2 ½ hours. No girls with daddy issues, no “F”bombs being dropped or wardrobe malfunctions. When is that MTV award show again???....
PS. Happy Wednesday peeps on this blessing of a rain soaked hump day. Keep it up God and remember….If you’ve slept with Henry Winkler, you’re just another victim of a Fonzie Scheme.
#Grammys #awards #kaceymusgraves #empireliving