Thursday, November 6, 2014

Your 2014 Pop Music Awards...Wait, that was country???

Dear 2014 CMA Awards,

Good morning and welcome to what I believe is my 3rd or 4th annual CMA Awards review. As I have looked back over the previous material that I have written about the state of Nashville country music, it seems that it has moved further away from what we would describe as “country”, and has drifted closer to what the definition of “pop” music is. After claiming last year would be my last review and against my better judgment and the well-being of my TV, I grabbed a drink and positioned myself on the couch for 3 hours to bring you the latest installment of the CMA Awards:

1.       Jimmy Buffet is the opening act of the night. Hippies dancing around, a rainbow painted school bus and a light show that had me contemplating dropping acid. What’s not country about that? Wait…What???...That was Kenny Chesney???...Makes perfect sense.
2.       Next act on stage is the dude from Rascal Flatt’s sporting a dress and extensions and singing the current pop anthem “All about that bass”. Two performances down and 20 minutes into the show and have yet to hear a tune concerning momma, trains, trucks or getting drunk.
3.       Brad Paisley, I have run out of hat jokes. You win.
4.       It’s nice to see Julia Roberts on stage with Brad and Carrie to announce the first award of the night. I’ve been wondering what she’s been up too.
5.       Florida/Georgia Line make their first appearance prompting me to reach for the remote for the first time. Due to the reviews of the past, my TV is currently fearless of this threat.
6.       Do you think Jason Aldean has already cheated on the new wife that he cheated on the last wife with? The fame that comes with starring in Benny Brown Ford commercials is sometimes too much to bear on a relationship.
7.       Another year of Jon Bon Jovi on stage and still no Bad Medicine. Go with what got you there, no one wants to hear this new country sound of yours. What???...That’s Keith Urban???
8.       Do you think Jesus finally hates Tim Tebow for appearing on stage with Hootie?
9.       Kacey Musgrave, the crackers are still on the nightstand and don’t even think about taking that bump-it off.
10.   The coal miner’s daughter still has a little left in those pipes.
11.   The jury is still out on whether Jason Aldean is currently on stage or if that is indeed Reno Rosser.  
12.   Only Nashville could ruin something as perfect as day drinking.
13.   What is an Ariana Grande?
14.   A little over an hour into the show and just hit the info button on the remote to make sure that this indeed was the country music awards.
15.   Florida and Georgia, having a hot sister still will not get me to like you.
16.   What is a Cole Swindell?
17.   Dierks, you get a pass on the jeans and bracelet. I’m a big fan.
18.   Guitar solos and shaking your hands around as if you’ve just suffered a seizure is the latest item to be added to the Nashville starter kit.
19.   Another year passes and still no hate for Blake Shelton.
20.   For the record, although we did share crackers, I am not Carrie Underwood’s baby’s daddy.
21.   Looks like Luke Bryan took advantage of the all things black end of summer sale at the Baby Gap.
22.   Fell asleep for 20 minute to be awoken to what appears to be the season finale of “Celebrity Biggest Loser”. I am very proud of you Vince Gill.
23.   Eric Church has come full circle. Welcome back to real country, I knew you could do it.
24.   For some reason the next act sounds and looks like the Doobie Brothers.
25.   Show is almost over and still no Taylor Swift sighting. That’s something to smile about.
26.   My night has perked up, Chris Gaines has just taken the stage.
27.   Luke Bryan “Entertainer of the Year” Let that sink in…

3 hours of my life that I’ll never get back, a mild buzz and the final nail into the Nashville country music coffin. This is one thing that can’t be pinned on Bush or Obama…..
Happy Thursday peeps on once again an amazing November day in God’s Country. The weekend is fast approaching so enjoy yourself and remember….There’s no time for bullshit when you’re building an empire.

#2014CMAs #nashville #skinnyjeans #leatherbracelets #empireliving

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