(An open letter to Miranda Lambert)
Dear Miranda Lambert,
It’s been a week since you and Blake called it quits. It is at about this time that things begin to settle down, and the initial shock of a breakup starts to wear off. At this point you begin to take the steps to heal that broken heart and decide where to go from here. Failure gets the best of us all. Your life has played out like a country song in the tabloids recently and to be honest, you deserve better than “Some beach” and “Sangria” my dear. As you move on and look to mend that heart of yours, I’m here to lend you some sage advice and where you should go from here to find “true” love. Now, I’m impartial so please hear me out Miranda. Your close friends are going to suggest that you hit up a bar or club to mix it up and keep your mind off Blake. This while fun, is a horrible idea that will only fuel the rumors of infidelity and mistrust that lead you to this place. Plus, are you really going to find your soulmate at 3am hopped up on cheap beer and tequila? Trust me, I do this every weekend and have yet to strap a ring on a finger. Some may suggest you stay at home and find “yourself” during this time. Two words come to mind with this thought process….Bad idea. Staying home is only going to make you think of the “what if’s” more which will drive you crazy thus leading you to the refrigerator and late night Netflix binges fueled by anger and despair. Others may tell you to go an unconventional route and try your hand at the internet dating game. They will tell you it will give you the best of the previously mentioned options in that you can meet new people, but from the comfort of your own home. Ask yourself do you really want to weed through, Match.com, Eharmony.com, Jdate.com, blackpeoplemeet.com, Farmersonly.com, etc. to find someone to share the rest of your life with? Miranda, I am here to offer you option #3. That option is ME! I know this is a bold move on my part but if you never put yourself out there you may never find “the one”. I wanted to give you a brief view inside my life and what I can offer you.
1. Fun and laughter: I have a gift for making pretty blondes smile. My charm has no boundary.
2. Communication skills: A man has to know when a women wants advice or to merely have you listen. Through years of trial and error I have honed this most treasured and useful relationship skill.
3. Financial security and intelligence: Many of the suitors that will be chasing you will only be after your hard earned money and a place to hunt (well I may want that place to hunt). I don’t need your money, but if you want to purchase me a lavish gift, say maybe a bear hunt in Alaska or a fishing trip to Canada I’m not going to say no. I’m no dummy.
4. Hunting, fishing, farming, jeep rides and an ice chest full of ice cold beer: All these things are awesome. Pretty much panty droppers. That’s all that needs to be said.
5. The black dog: Just when you thought that you have found the perfect match with all the above mentioned qualities I throw the quintessential “icing on the cake” and present to you Cosby. From retrieving ducks to spinning in circles in the back of the truck to gracing the pages of the latest farm magazine you will never stop smiling at his antics. He can also be referred to as the “deal sealer”.
Miranda what I’m trying to say is true love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another. Get in your little red wagon and put it in automatic and come on over because you’re the fastest girl in town. Mamma’s broken heart can’t be mended with kerosene but it sure as hell can be with some gun powder and lead plus some smoking and drinking. I can promise you that I’m not a white liar and holding on to you is better in the long run for a heart like mine. Now if including the titles of 11 of your songs in my closing statement and making sense doesn’t make you pick up that phone and dial my number than I don’t know what the definition of love really is….XOXOXO
PS. Happy Wednesday peeps on this scorcher of a day in God’s Country. Hopefully by the time you read this I will be on my way to Nashville and remember….If you’re talking to a girl and she says she’s “been through a lot” never reply with “dicks?” It’s a deal a deal breaker.
#mirandalambert #blakeshelton #divorce #nashville #empireliving