Monday, April 3, 2017

Nashville never fails to take the country out of country

Dear ACM Awards, 

Welcome to the 6th or 7th annual installment of the ACM Awards review show. Every year Nashville continues to promote a music genera that they like to refer to as “country” but the rest of the world calls “crap”. As Chris LeDox and Waylon Jennings continue to roll in there respective graves please sit back and enjoy my commentary! 

  1. Show opens with a montage of Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan and Florida/Georgia Line. It is like a terrorist attack on real country music. 
  2. If Carrie Underwood tried to kill me with those legs I wouldn't be mad. 
  3. Keith Urban sounds much better doing Australian infomercials then he does attempting to sing American country music. 
  4. Luke Bryan is currently being chopped in half by a giant saw. A smile starts to appear on my face. Alas, it was only a joke. Please refrain from playing with my emotions like that. 
  5. Luke Bryan is still alive and now Sam Hunt is on stage. As I do every year, I must hit the menu button on my remote to make sure this is the country music awards show. 
  6. Dierks, you still get a mulligan for those pants but you are beginning to test my patience. 
  7. Women continue to lead the charge at saving country music in Nashville. I take my hat off to you Maren Morris. Keep up the good work. 
  8. How can Reno Rosser be on a stage in Las Vegas and be getting married in Catalina at the same time? 
  9. Miranda…That fringe and that dress, simply stunning. 
  10. I’m going to punch the next person who refers to me as “Rascal Flats”. 
  11. Tight pleather jackets purchased at the Baby Gap are the 2017 addition to the Nashville male country music star starter kit. 
  12. Keith, if you could drop a “good day” and a “mate” every once in a while I may forgive you for your music and wardrobe choice. 
  13. If they paraded Carrie Underwood out in that dress with every act I wouldn't be upset. 
  14. Why is the the stage currently covered in flowers and the lead singer for ABBA on it playing guitar? Anyways, he sure has aged well. 
  15. Lady Antebellum, just because Sturgill Simpson uses a brass band in his act doesn't mean you can also. You must have talent to pull it off. 
  16. 4 awards have been handed out thus far and not a single one went to a country artist. 
  17. Whoever dresses Kelsey Ballerini keep up the good work. 
  18. The only thing that could make Chris Stapleton better would be Carrie Underwood on stage in that dress. 
  19. Having the lights turned down on stage is the best way to watch Luke Bryan. Now if they could just unplug the mic. 
  20. Hootie is much better at giving out awards then he is at singing country music. 
  21. Miranda Lambert ran out of time before she could mention me in her speech. It’s ok babe, I know how you feel. 
  22. A little Faith is never a bad thing. 
  23. I feel like I should be donating a $1 per month to feed Tim McGraw rather then a baby in Africa. 
  24. Maren Morris has been added to the list of people who can eat crackers in my bed. Congrats. 
  25. The guy who just won male vocalist of the year is dressed like my barista this morning, except he was more talented. 
  26. I can’t decide if I hate Cole Swindell or his hat more. 
  27. Did you see Miranda wink as she looked into the camera? That’s our thing. 
  28. Looks like Kenny Rogers gave Brooks and Dunn his plastic surgeon’s number. 
  29. Reba’s still got it. 
  30. I was really hoping that John Pardi would thank Northern Comfort. Congrats buddy and keep up the good work. 
  31. Nashville country cannot get any worse…Florida/Georgia Line and the Backstreet Boys…”hold my beer.”
  32. Jason Aldean wins entertainer of the year. Looks like those Ford commercials are finally paying off. 

I would like to say something clever in closing but for sake of time I believe the word “awful” works best. Every year I tell myself that Nashville can’t get any worse but yet they continue to prove me wrong. Congrats?????….

PS. Happy Monday peeps on the windy first Monday of April. I hope you make the most of it and remember….Never invite a vegan to a lawn party, you may end up with dirt before the days over. 

#ACM #awards #acmawards #country #music #countrymusic #Nashville #lasvega #empireliving 

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