Teddy Ruxpin and the spy game

Dear government spying,

There has been a lot of discussion and media coverage over the last couple weeks concerning spying by our government and the current administration. From wire taps of cell phones to emails being intercepted by departments such as the NSA of not only the registered voters of this country but also recent information has been made public that leaders of our current allies around the world such as France and Germany (I mean who wouldn’t trust the country that started two world wars) have also been continuously watched by Barry and the boys. Now the spy thing is nothing new when it comes to not only governments but also businesses and people in general when trying to keep track of each other or of another interested party. It has been happening for years like it or not and because of it we are able to have the freedoms that we are accustomed to today. It makes me wonder though that with all the modern technology that our government possesses how we could ever be caught? You would think that there is a better way of doing it. That way may have just been found and once again the man who chases his vodka with vodka and is the president of our biggest adversary has done it. Just when I thought you couldn’t out do yourself Vladimir Putin on your numerous accomplishments you went out and proved me wrong. A recent report has come out that Russia used teddy bears along with other devices to spy on delegates attending a recent G20 summit in St. Petersburg. The man not only wrestles bears he is putting tiny cameras into cuddly stuffed ones to spy on leaders from around the world! What is next for this man??? Sharks with laser attached to their foreheads as a form of capital punishment??? Once again I’m here to help you Mr. President out of another predicament. I am not an economist I just play one on these pages for your enjoyment but with the current NSA spying budget hovering around $11 billion dollars I say let’s take a page out of Mother Russia’s playbook and give me a few grand and a quick stop at the local Toy’s R Us for a Teddy Ruxpin or two and I’m not only making much needed budget cuts and helping secure our country’s best interests but as an added bonus I get to stimulate the local economy. Its genius I say! Barry, take a lesson from the guy on the other end of the red phone you have sitting on your desk. If you are going to have the NSA do some deep snooping and don’t want to be caught doing it head into the attic and pull out some of those Beanie Babies and Cabbage Patch Kids you’ve been saving for retirement and start giving those to world leaders on your tax payer paid vacations and save this country some much needed money.

PS. Happy hump day peeps and like always I hope you are enjoying this sunny day in late October and remember…..I got a black belt in hustling. 

You're eating food?..Thank you farmer and rancher!

Dear Harvest,

The chopper isn’t working right….Hey boss, there’s a line spewing oil from the tractor….Marcus the harvester won’t unload the rice….My phone has for the last forty plus days constantly been blowing up to these and other calamities which must mean only one thing…..Harvest. From June to November growers across this great state we live in are harvesting the fruits of their labor in order to bring you some of the finest and freshest grains, fruits, nuts, vegetables, etc. that cannot be found in the abundant supply that California offers anywhere else in the world. From rice fields in the Sacramento Valley to the vineyards of Sonoma County and the surrounding regions (Napa gets no plug here) to numerous tree crops in that paradise we call the Central Valley to the salad bowl of the Salinas valley to those green treats we call the avocado in San Diego and all other stops in between you can find everything being grown under the sun and in some cases underground (mushroom plug folks). I know it sounds cliché to hear sometimes but we farmers here in the golden state not only feed America we feed the world. We as a whole provide it with the safest and most cost efficient food choices for people across the globe. I like many farmers out there take my fair share of scrutiny from friends and the media concerning the money we make and the lifestyle that we live or are perceived to live. I hear the jokes all the time about rice farmers working four months in the spring and four months in the fall and we all have cabins in Tahoe and travel to far off places, etc., etc. The truth is yes, this does hold true to some, not only for rice farmers but a lot of farmers across the state. It also can be said about firefighters, police officers, teachers, garbage men, Silicon Valley peeps, etc. If you have done well in any industry you work in and want to indulge and enjoy the fruits of your labor then so be it. The risk farmers take can be huge. There are not a lot of business consultants and economists out there who would recommend putting up millions every year in capital investments in order to make on average a 3-5% return on that expenditure. Farmers both large and small do this not only for what are the chances of higher profits if the market is there but also for the lifestyle that they love. People tend to want to separate farmers into classifications such as “corporate” or “family” or “organic” (it is all organic in nature, it comes from the soil peeps) to name a few.  Every farm be it large or small, thousands of acres or a patch of ground in the city serve a purpose to you, themselves and the community. So as another season of harvests across California comes to a close and winter approaches and you find yourself coming across a farmer or rancher in your daily adventure that is life, thank him or her as you would anyone else who makes your life better and by chance even sneak in a hug or two…”Hug a farmer”, now that sounds like bumper sticker material…

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this sunny day in October. I hope you all have a cocktail filled weekend and remember….If cocktails interfere with your business, give up that business. It’s probably not that fun anyways. 

Kim, Kanye & marriage...What's not to like?

Dear Kim and Kanye,

During my self-imposed sabbatical from my writing in which I have spent the past forty plus days harvesting the ingredient that puts that great taste in the sushi you all love and enjoy along with snapping numerous pics of the celebrity who calls the back of my pickup home many news worthy events have taking place that I felt have been worthy of discussion. Among those events have been rice harvest and all it entails, a government shutdown and that team from Los Angeles realizing that they don’t belong in the Fall Classic. With all of these topics being noteworthy one thing happened that trumped all of these events…..The cupcake thief who masquerades as a celebrity and the man who has self-glossed himself “Bigger than Jesus” have decided to tie the knot. Now we all know that this is forever because your third marriage by the age of 33 is what makes a normal, healthy and long lasting relationship. Being Kim’s biggest fan this side of a rapper with a camcorder in his hand I have a few questions for Kanye concerning this union. First, why propose at AT&T Park? Why not gather Bruce and the crew and do it at Dodger Stadium? I mean that place is begging to see a ring ceremony of any type. Secondly, it’s obvious that you failed to listen to your business manager when coming up with an idea on how to propose. You dropped all that cash on a rock and stadium rental to tell her you love her when all you needed to show your devotion was a video camera from Radio Shack and a YouTube channel. Those two simple and cost effective things have yet to fail when it comes to Kim and true love. Lastly, is this why you chose to move in with OJ’s ex and the rest of the Kardashian clan at the age of 36? Where you trying to save money for the big day? Homeboy you are worth over 100 million dollars, loosen the pockets a little and splurge on a one bedroom in the 90210. Kanye, if all these settle hints I’ve so eloquently laid out for you as signs that you’re doing it wrong aren’t registering I’m going to break it down in simple terms that even a Visa commercial would appreciate:

15 carat diamond engagement ring: $8,000,000

Leasing AT&T Park for the night: $35,000

Flying friends and family in for the event: $20,000

Watching a sham of a marriage go down faster than your wife on a talentless rapper: PRICELESS

The one I really feel sorry for in this whole situation is North. Not only does she has to grow up thinking that the other three sides of a compass are her cousins but now she will be under the assumption that a long lasting marriage consists of three months of bliss, attorney fees and a lifetime of rehab. Kanye, I’m going to steal a lyric from you when I say this……”She’s a gold digger and she ain’t messing with a broke….You better leave her ass for a white girl”...But stay away from Kate Upton!! Get down, get down…

PS. A long overdue happy hump day to you peeps and glad to be back hope you are having a great one and remember….If you ever feel unloved and unwanted just yell out “the next round is on me”. 

Politicians and budgets...A shutdown story

Dear government shutdown,

Since the “government shutdown” is the latest big thing to hit Washington and the politicians who call it home I have decide to chronicle how it’s affecting myself and my daily routine and the measures I've taking to cope with it. 

Day 1: Wake up between 5 and 5:30AM depending on how much I had to drink the night before (being that its harvest season the possibilities are high that I have a cocktail or six in me). Take warm shower and attend to other hygiene activities. Throw together some healthy eats for the lunch box.  Cook some paleo friendly breakfast. Make sure the celebrity living in the studio on the back patio is up and ready for another day of mud clod tasting, harvester rides and photo shoots that add to his ever growing ego. Head to nearest coffee shop (This is a Coffee Ranch plug). Drive to ranch and game plan with my employees the day’s tasks. Deal with the controlled chaos that I call rice harvest. Bring to your tables the best rice in the world. It’s dark now, go home to feed famous dog and myself and have cocktail or six before bed. Sleep.

Day 2: See above.

WHOA!!!... As you can see the crisis in Washington pitting overzealous and out of touch politicians versus each other in their latest attempt at destroying our great country has not influenced my daily life nor will it for the majority of people in the United States. The reason for this is that successful businesses across the country are successful for a reason….They spend less then what they take in! It is such a simple yet novel idea that allows businesses to thrive and yet the people we elect to office still do not understand this concept. While the rest of us sit back and watch as grown adults continue to act like school children who don’t get there way the people who suffer are the 800,000 workers that the government employs. They range from park rangers to janitors to FSA employees (No congressman, senators or the man in the oval office on this list) and will be out of work or furloughed until a budget is passed and yes I do feel bad for these employees that are currently out of work but you should have known going into the gig that you would be working for an employer who is currently $17 trillion dollars in debt so job stability must not have crossed your mind when accepting the position. The actions of Congress, the Senate and the current administration have even Miley Cyrus wondering what she needs to do to one up you guys. Thomas Jefferson once said “That the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time” and I think that the current state of affairs with our government on both sides of the aisle reinforces this ideology more than ever. Let’s get back to the basics on how a country should be run and only then can our great nation prosper….I’m Marcus Monroe and I approve this message.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this sunny in October. Harvest is moving along and will be over soon. I hope you've enjoyed the daily pics of rice and the famous black dog and remember……The sun gives you the “D” whether you want it or not. 

#government #shutdown

Hashtags of life

Dear #Hashtag,

#It #seems #like #every #time #I #get #online #weather #it #be #Facebook #or #Instagram #or #Twitter #all #I #see #is #something #that #annoys #me #more #than #having #only #99 #cents #in #my #pocket #and #not #a #credit #card #in #site #on #a #buck #night…..#It #is #the #prevalent #amount #of #you #Hashtag #that #has #taken #over #the #dialect #of #our #society.  #Why #is #it #that #every #time #someone #washes #their #dog, #goes #to #the #bathroom, #does #laundry, #etc. #I #have #to #have #you #come #back #into #my #life #like #a #photo #taking #at #the #frat #house #when #I #still #thought #the #best #way #to #impress #the #ladies #was #to #beer #bong #Jaeger #followed #by #a #chaser #of #what #we #in #Chico #call #a #craft #beer #the #ever #tasty #Keystone #Light #that #surfaces #right #before #that #long #overdue #run #for #Congress. #Do #you #think #that #someone #is #just #waiting #around #eagerly #anticipating #to #type #”idiot” #in #their #search #bar #so #they #can #see #what #you #did #on #a #Wednesday #at #work #instead #of #doing #what #you #are #actually #paid #to #do? #Call #me #old #fashion #but #if #I #want #the #world #to #know #what #I #am #currently #doing #I’m #liquidating #my #limited #assets #buying #a #brick #of Columbia’s #finest #and #inviting #Charlie #Sheen, #Lindsey #Lohan #and #TMZ #to #the #finest #strip #club #for #a #4 #day #bender #and #yes #you #guessed #it #all #of #you #are #invited. #In #fact #I’ve #used #so #many #hastags #I’ve #hit #the #max #on #this #rant #but #I #still #come #up #at #least #a #half #dozen #hashtags #short #of #someone’s #everyday #post #after #I #quote, “#killing #it” #at #the #gym #for #20 #minutes #on #a #Friday.  #I’m #currently #going #to #go #outside #and #enjoy #some #sun #and #dirt, #I #know #that #hashtags #won’t #dare #show #up #there……..#marcusmonroegrowsthebestricein3countieswiththe4thpending J#########

 PS. Happy Friday peeps, you guys are the best and to those of you in attendance keep those pics coming from Stagecoach; they are much appreciated from this rice famer who is trying to keep those sushi joints well stocked with that California Rice you all love and remember…..A wise girl told me it’s better to be a week early than a week late; that my friend’s is the marrying type

Tell me again liberal why we need to be in Syria?

Dear Syria and the White House,

On the 12^th anniversary of 9/11 and with the harvesters parked waiting on rice to mature I decided that it was time to once again help the current administration with their foreign policy issues. First a little background on myself for those of you who only know me as the guy who seems to always be checking into bars or constantly playing paparazzi to a dog who may be close to being as famous as his namesake. I’m a registered Republican in name, I am a capitalist, I like my guns and my booze and there is nothing I love more than Merica and the freedom that it offers. You see, these are all traits that liberals like to label as your classic “warmonger”  If this is true than why am I and others with similar beliefs against getting involved with Syria while liberals continue to saber rattle and press congress into participating in a conflict that has no benefit to the United State? Have we not learned our lessons with the response from “we the people” concerning the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan that entering into another one is about as unfavorable as a rash on Kate Upton date night? There are no alternative motives such as WMD or oil (yes I said it) that would harm or benefit us being drawn into a conflict here and overtaxing our military and put are troops in harm’s way. Anti war protester and current President Obama along with other Bush haters such Hillary and Mr. Kerry continue to hold media blitzes telling us that the tactics the Syrian government is using against its own people are an atrocity and comparable to Nazi Germany.  Why is it that gassing Muslim rebels who are killing soldiers and then gutting them and eating their hearts and livers in the name of Allah who are trying to overthrow a government is a travesty and a crime on humanity but killing those same people with weapons from knives to guns to bombs considered kosher? If the killing of innocent men, women and children were the case for action in Syria than we would have to use that logic in most every region on this planet. It is called “war” for a reason and nothing can change that. The way I see it is you have two groups of people who hate each other for whatever reason but the one thing that they can agree upon besides that a girl covered in black bed sheets is attractive is there hatred for the United States. Here’s an idea, why don’t we save billions of dollars and sit back and watch Darwin work his magic. Not only will it rid the world of an increasing number of I quote “Muslim extremists” it will make the bear wrestling, vodka drinking leader of Russia a much happier camper and in this day and age of dirty bombs and jihad I’m thinking I am still going to pay just a little respect to the homeboy who can still wipe us off the planet with the touch of a button. Mr. President, I’m not looking for any monetary reward for once again helping you resolve another one of your messes but a call from that red phone with a thank you from time to time sure would be nice.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this warm Wednesday in September and remember…..Let’s roll.

#Syria #Obama #9/11 #UnitedStates

Did someone say football???

Dear NFL,

Do you see that?...The leaves turning color and beginning to fall from the trees. Can you feel that?...The heat of summer has started to turn to the chill of fall. Do you hear that?...The sound of harvesters firing up as rice season comes to a close. The greater question is what do all these things mean? If you are all saying to yourself; “Oh God, now he Fireball, Tito’s and whatever else he thinks will get along with the aforementioned combination will be spending a lot more time together thus making anyone in his contact list a target for late night chats consisting of gibberish and I love you’s” Yes folks I’m not saying that’s not going to happen but what this really means is that football season is back upon us! When the greatest sport in the world last left us that team from San Francisco was being reminded who actually had it better than them and the coach’s big brother was hoisting the Super Bowl trophy over his head thus giving himself bragging rights at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for years to come. Through an off season littered with arrests, domestic violence and an occasional murder pro football remains the most watched sport this side of that elementary school game where scoring happens less than in an Amish bedroom and the participants are rewarded at the end of 60 minutes with orange slices and Capri Suns that is currently popular in third world countries. With the new season upon us it brings hope for fans in cities across this country as each team starts with a clean slate and yes it’s hard to believe but even you Raider Fan are in first place notwithstanding if it’s for only a few short precious hours. As most of you know my loyalties lie with the only team that can claim God as a fan. Yes, I’m talking about the Dallas Cowboys, that same team that made sure there was a hole in the roof of the stadium so the “all mighty” can catch a game and mix in some holy water and can proudly state that they are “America’s Team”  has been a fixture in my life since I was little. From the 8 Super Bowl appearances and 5 championship rings to the current state of things that usually has me muttering numerous bad words followed by “Bitch Tits” and again followed by more bad words after another fine 4^th quarter performance the thing that stays constant is that no matter win or lose they are still my team year end and year out. Most fans of the game share in this same sentiment at the start of each season no matter who your team is because at the end of it all only one can be crowned champion. It’s the joy and agony every weekend from September to February that makes the NFL so great.  As Kickoff to the 2013 season starts Wednesday and continues through Monday night please take the time to enjoy a game, some beer and some good food because like all good things it will be gone before we know it…..Now queue that National Anthem.

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this “all most start to harvest” Wednesday. Make It a good one and remember….”Hold my beer, I got this” will most likely be my last words.