Dear Kim Kardashian,
As I waited in line at my local supermarket trying to avoid the temptation of asking the lady in front of me with 3 kids and paying with a food stamps why she felt the need to buy rib eye’s on the California’s workforce dollar while I chose to sustain myself for the coming week by splurging on the paleo friendly choices of bacon, eggs and that special treat from the Salinas Valley that we call spinach. I glanced to the side and to my surprise I noticed that instead of the trash papers and magazines you usually see on the rack in the checkout line this particular store looked like they had churched it up a bit by adding National Geographic’s to the portfolio. As I peered closer at the issue wanting to learn more about the majestic creature that is the killer whale on the cover to my shock it was you!!! Let’s be honest, with all your wealth and fame accumulated through the simple fact that you let a talentless rapper use you as an amusement park for 20 minutes on YouTube that you would have the means to not look like the dark horse contender on Celebrity Biggest Loser and please don’t use the excuse that you are pregnant because the mother mentioned previously was also and by no means looked like they were auditioning as jabba the huts stunt double in the latest Star Wars flick. Now I know you may still be bitter at me for attending my cousins nuptials the same weekend as your in Santa Barbara but I was just going with the odds that theirs was going to last longer than a teenage boys first look at a Playboy and please don’t tell me that this is a ploy to keep yours and your family’s 15 minutes of fame rolling and prolonging poor Bruce Jenner’s life by landing a new show or endorsement deal. E Entertainment already has their programming locked in with Kardashian TV and the dude from Subway and Kristi Alley have a strangle hold on the “fat to fit” infomercial craze. I’m going to give you a little advice coming from someone who has seen an extra lb. in his life….For the sake of Kanye’s baby eat right, exercise, and stop getting angry every time the paparazzi snaps a pic of you throwing down another cheeseburger and washing it down with a cupcake. Mix in a salad and a walk that’s longer than the bed to the video camera and I think that it will benefit us all and if you need some help Jillian Michel’s is a phone call away and once that baby pops out she will have you back in shape faster than you can say 72 days and a pre-nup. If Kanye decides to leave you like every other entertainer and athlete previously who knows, maybe I can interest you in a farmer with a great rap and a charming demeanor a penchant for the spotlight, we may just have the next big hit on cable but remember….I ain’t saying I’m a gold digger.
PS. Happy Friday peeps and the weekend is upon us, enjoy the sun this weekend with an ice cold beer or beverage in hand and if you see a farmer give them a hug, it would be much appreciated and remember….Life is filled with cocktails and endless possibilities.