Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The demise of society according to the bro tank

Dear Bro Tanks,
As graduation took place over the past weekend joy spread throughout the community as numerous young men and women would finally see the fruits of their labor realized and receive that diploma that usually takes 4 years of studying, homework, finals and sacrifice to earn but here in Chico we like to maximize our education and our parents hard earned dollars and stretch it out to 5 or 6 years (what can I say we are overachievers). Never wanting to miss out on a good time or seeing mom, dad and grandpa try Fireball shots and Bank Statements for the first time I threw on my finest weekend attire of cargo shorts, flip flops and embellished in donning yet another quality plaid pearl snap and headed out to participate in the festivities. Having not been out for awhile I was astonished by what I encountered. Now I know an epidemic of epic proportions has been brewing not only Chico but college towns across the nation. It started off slow spotting one or two drunk stumbling through a few choice bars or on a rare occasion you might see a group gathered together trying to see who would buy the next round of their well drink of choice. Now for the first time I could see how out of control this problem has become because before my very eyes I witnessed the invasive species known as you Bro Tank. As I stared horrified in disgust I counted one by one as the different species of you paraded by; fat guy, short guy, old guy, young guy, frat guy, nerd guy, athletic guy, etc. in different shapes and shades of stripes, neon colors and topical sayings all lacking that all important clothing invention known as the sleeve. Not only have you taken fashion back 40 years you have also added cut off jeans and an over sized flat bill ball cap to your ever growing repertoire. It looks like all those hours of watching Jersey Shore, Swamp People, Real Housewives and the Kardashian’s have blended together to make even Christina Aguilera look at you and ask; “What the F are you wearing?”. Listen there is a reason why you went the way of the dinosaur in the late 70’s and early 80’s Bro Tank and it wasn’t because Don Johnson made it fashionable to sport pink t-shirts with white sport coats.  It’s because people realized that if you weren’t on a beach, living in a double wide or our former governor strung out on roids and hippie lettuce pumping iron in Venice you were a mistake to the fashion world just like bell bottoms and tie-dyed. So please I am asking you as a man who has seen baggy jeans to Hawaiian shirts and flipped collars to pegged pants make their way through the closet to finally end it for good and so future generations do not make a hat trick of your mistake.
PS. Happy hump day peeps pay it forward on this short holiday week and remember…..A “dude rider” is a nicer way of calling a lady a whore which might just make her day.

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