Dear Las Vegas,
Things that may or may not have happened last time I visited you:
1. The liquor store on the way to the Bellagio was liquidated of all forms and sizes of Tito’s.
2. You do not get upgraded to the rain man suite if you drop the name “Cosby” or “black dog”.
3. Win $1,000 at the roulette table using the “5 step” full proof plan to winning that never fails.
4. Lose $1,200 at the roulette table using the “5 step” full proof plan to winning that never fails.
5. Remove all the furniture from your suite (I have no idea how we ended up with one) to the elevator and then ride that elevator up and down and ask people at every floor when the door opens; “What are you doing in my room?” This scares Asian people quite possibly more than Godzilla.
6. Order room service consisting of plate after plate of bacon and Pacifico’s for breakfast. (This is actually a fabulous idea anywhere I might add.)
7. Once again Cosby’s fame has not reached Las Vegas. Dropping his name at the club does not get you a table and bottle service. (We need to work on this)
8. Spend day at the pool surrounded by Canadian women and letting them know there are much better clothing options other than denim and plaid while also expounding on how lucky they are to be America’s hat. (I know, charmer right?)
9. Contemplate marrying a Canadian beauty and thus being able to experience what free health care is really like and also securing a lifetime supply of maple syrup only to be left on the way to the alter to an offer by the would be maid of honor of a new pair of heals at Gucci for the bride to be.
10. Realizing that $2 will get you a double top shelf vodka and lemon in Chico but will only get you a couple of ice cubes in your drink in Vegas.
I’ve given Las Vegas a year to pick itself up off the floor and lick the wounds that were delivered to it courtesy of my last visit and will be making my triumph return to this mistake in the desert in a few short days with some unfinished business from the last trip yet to be accomplished. If you own, frequent or live near some these following attractions this is your warning…
1. Walk into club and pass umbrellas out to all in attendance and inform them that, yes it maybe August, but rain is in the forecast.
2. Pump numerous rounds of ammo through a plethora of automatic weapons why sipping on a cocktail at one of Vegas’s famous ranges and experience what it’s like to be Dan Bilzerian for a brief moment. (Men, if you don’t know who this is, turn in your card)
3. Be Kate Upton’s drunken mistake. (You hear that Justin Verlander??? Who’s got the better fastball now?)
4. Sit in a cabana by the pool and have the likes of Leo and the Bieb’s ask themselves just who is that guy?
You’ve got have goals peeps…….
PS. Happy hump day from God’s Country peeps, enjoy it and remember…. Anything less than your “A” game is a failing grade.
#LasVegas #Vegas #Barsottibachelorparty #idiots #empireliving