Wednesday, August 6, 2014

My continued fascination with mainstream country music

Dear 2014 CMA Music Fest,

My Tuesdays are like most everyone’s. I work, go to the gym, cook dinner and watch some TV. This is pretty standard for me on most weeknights. After dinner I found myself sitting on the couch, so I grabbed the remote to see what the best is that $79.99 of Comcast has to offer. Some talent show…No. Dudes catching crab, smoking and yelling at each other. Tempting, but again no. The next click brought me to the 2014 CMA Music Fest. Now you all know my distaste for mainstream country but I found myself not wanting to change the channel. My mind was torn, I’ve done so many reviews on Nashville country another one just would be a repeat of the previous, but I couldn’t help myself but watch it in its entirety, it is almost like I suffer from Stockholm syndrome when it comes to this genera of music. It is because of this, for your pleasure I present my 2014 CMA Music Fest review:

1.       Nashville has become keen to my likes. They start the show with not just one but two hot blondes trying to sway my hate for mainstream country. It is as if I’ve become the hunted.
2.       Carrie Underwood, that box of crackers is still sitting next to my bed.
3.       No dice. The next act is that boy band from the south. You need to build momentum in order to change my opinion. Know your audience.
4.       Still I try, but I can find no hate for Blake Shelton.
5.       It looks like Tim McGraw has contracted the Ebola virus. My prayers are with you.
6.       It’s currently 8:30pm and I’m in Chico so for the record that fat d-bag singing “Happy” is not me. My god, introduce yourself to something green and some cardio son.
7.       A song titled “Day Drinking”. I’ve finally found something Nashville related I can get behind.
8.       Hunter Hayes, stuttering through a song and wearing a white t-shirt and jeans doesn’t make you a country star, it makes you a pledge. Now get me a beer.
9.       I am pretty sure that Jason Aldean is the guy who checked my ID at the Crazy Horse last weekend.
10.   If I am a reporter covering Nashville and mainstream country I’m posting up at the nearest Baby Gap in the jeans section.
11.   Why doesn’t Taylor Swift take a swipe at Tim McGraw’s pants?
12.   Tim, I like you but at no time should your wife, especially when she is Faith Hill be bigger than you. You know the whole salad and cardio thing??? Forget about it and find some doughnuts.
13.   An hour into yet another country show and no sign of Taylor or Hootie. Vodka is still in the cupboard and remote safely on the coffee table.
14.   Eric Church must be catching on. Deciding not to paint your pants on as a man is a good thing.
15.   People who reside in both Florida and Georgia are seeking new residency.
16.   I’ve found what happened to Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit fame. He is now performing under the stage name Brantley Gilbert. It’s all about the nookie folks.
17.   2 hours into the show and the only cowboy hat to be seen was on the guy that checks ID’s at the Crazy Horse. This is a country show right?
18.   Add black wife beaters to the Nashville starter kit.
19.   Do you think Zac Brown’s ears are actually cold?
20.   Sometime if you throw enough mud against a wall something will stick. Literally was the best rendition of “Dead or Alive” that I’ve ever heard.
21.   80’s hairband metal has infiltrated itself into mainstream country. I am seriously confused by your tactics.
22.   Brad Paisley, I’ve run out of witty comments concerning your hat.
23.   Trucks, parking lots and now planes. Mainstream country is fixing to run out of places to get drunk at.
24.   Justin Moore, I have no idea who you are or care to know but playing with Motley Crue just helped your cause.
25.   3 hours and 4 cowboy hats...Yep, this once again screams country.
26.   They inform me they’ve saved the best for last. Hootie then appears on my screen. To tired and cash poor to insert another remote into the TV. Going to bed. Night. Night…..

PS. Happy hump day peeps on this muggy first week of August. Make it a good one and remember….Confidence smiles and arrogance smirks and no one has ever found smirking attractive.

#CMA #musicfest #Nashville #mainstreamcountry #empireliving

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