Dear new Pope,
Let me be the first to congratulate you on your new gig. I have been anxiously waiting by my phone hoping that my dream of ruling over 1.2 billion people and the keys to the greatest ride this side of the General Lee would come true but alas when the white smoke came billowing out and my dreams were crushed yet again by the sight of an old white dude who has the ability to order in multiple languages was disheartening. To make the most out of another lost opportunity to spread my gospel to the masses and enjoy the fact that my well being would be in the hands of my fellow Swiss brethren with a bad taste in clothes and an even worse choice in modern weapons (Is there already an assault rifle ban at the Vatican?) I ask you Pope for a few favors. First, please allow for wedding ceremonies that I don’t have to take a few days off of work to attend. I mean I’m not asking for a Kardashian affair but please allow me to not have to shave again when the priest finally asks the groom to kiss the bride. Second, while at these weddings it would be nice not to feel like I’m at a cross fit session. With all the up then down again moments I feel that I’m one Jillian Michaels scream away from exhaustion. Lastly, when it comes to communion mix it up a bit, I mean imagine the influx of youth that would flock to the church for fireball and popcorn or tequila and Slim Jims as opposed to wine and stale crackers? Heck if you offered good vodka, beef jerky and the promise that lighting would not strike me when I walked between the pews I would definitely be seeing you more frequently on Sundays. So please take these small requests into consideration and enjoy your time at the top and know that JC is looking down and he really frowns upon failure.
PS. Spring is here peeps and that means tractors will be moving and fields will be flooded so find a farmer and hug him or her and remember……It’s true that booze does kill people but how many are born because of it?