Friday, March 8, 2013

Thieves love affair with farms

Dear drug craving copper thieves & street racers,
On a typical Thursday night I usually find myself having a thirst quenching cocktail at one of the fine local establishments that serve some of the best libations around while conducting interviews with what could in fact be one of the next rose recipients on the reality show that is my life and if the evening progresses faster than a Rand Paul filibuster myself and said bachelorette may be whisked away for an evening of candle light, beaches, dinner, music and possibly an invite to the fantasy suite. Okay whom am I kidding, by that I mean they are getting a slice of pie from Franky’s, and a semi cold beer on the beach below Scotty’s as White Snake blares on the Iphone with the hope of one of the doublewide’s being unoccupied so we don’t have to sleep in the truck (I’m messing on all this lady’s, so please don’t judge!). Instead of partaking in all those wonderful things I was awaking from my dreams of Kate Upton and baseball to one of my employees informing me that one of your kind had decided to cross that line that most of us refer to as a fence and visit our property again.  As I grabbed my gun and walked out the door a couple thoughts popped in mind; first why is it that every time Hollywood runs out of ideas and says to itself, “Hey, let’s get Vin and the QB from Varsity Blues back together, add a couple black guys, hot girls and an Asian along with a wrestler who’s eyebrow has ADD and put them into some fast cars with bad paint jobs?!” do kids think this is a go to turn every straight away into a racetrack? At least if you are going to use my driveway to stage these events please NASCAR it up by dropping in some ice cold beer and some blondes who want to piss off their daddy’s. Secondly why is it that the class of such destinations as Linda, Bangor, Oroville, Olivehurst, Etc. decide to do all their shopping at the neighborhood farm and ranch? Now I know that copper is going for around $3/lb. currently and the amount of wire needed to hit that magic number would take you months to reach so here is a little suggestion…Leave the wire, take the $20 bill that I taped to the pump and follow the instruction that state “call cab, take to After Bay, put head in water to look for hidden rock and to not come up for air even if you can’t breathe anymore”  If neither of these options work for you guys you can always go with Option C which is always a favorite of mine and goes like this…Wait there for me to arrive with my 2nd amendment right in my hand and know that I have 3,000 acres, a backhoe and a bad memory. See ya’ll soon!
PS. Aloha Friday peeps enjoy that weekend of sun and fun and remember…..If you fall, the floor will be there to catch you.

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