Hey Kanye I have a great idea.....

Dear Kim and Kanye,

The joy of a family’s first born child is unmatched and I know you are asking yourselves how do I know this being that I have not had children but alas being the first born in my family my parents informed me that I was “special” and I’m still trying to figure out if that is a good or bad thing to this day. The anticipation leading up from the moment you find out that a new bundle of joy will be joining your family to the time he or she reveals themselves is both a happy and stressful time for the mom and dad in waiting. Things like getting the finances in order, making sure the baby room is ready, buying clothing and other necessities that a newborn brings are all a must in the months leading up the big day. One of the most important tasks is choosing the baby’s name. Picking a child’s name ranks at the top of the list of things that will affect it for its entire life from adolescence into adulthood. Traditional names such as Marc, Dan and Steve for a boy and Erin, Sarah and Kelly for a girl come to mind or to go the untraditional route with current popular names like Aiden, Max, Emma or Millie. Then we come to famous people and their fascination with outlandish names for their offspring. What child wouldn’t want to go through life with a name like Apple, Sparrow or my personal favorite “Clementine” (Thank you former super model Claudia Schiffer for that gem). But now another celebrity couple has come along and one upped the rest of Hollywood and yes you know who I am talking about that cupcake smuggler formally known as the killer whale that before that was referred to as Kim Kardashian and her current “insert famous black guy from a suburban upbringing that tries to go thug here” beau Kanye West. I thinking here is how the conversation went: Kim; “Hey honey, shut off the video camera for a minute and let’s name our child.” Kanye; “Babe you don’t have to worry about this, I just saw a commercial on TV for an airline and we are naming that baby North!” Kim; “That’s perfect sugar, turn that camera back on and get back to feeding me these hamburgers!” Yes reality TV’s finest has decided that their first born should be referred to as a nautical reference on a compass and thus doomed it to a life of shame which in Hollywood equates to many trips to rehab at a young age, eventual prison time and a documentary on VH1 or MTV. Kim you could have at least kept with a family name and went with “Shamo” or “Talentless Hack”. Kim and Kanye I’m asking as a public service to myself and society to please stop now at one child that has to wonder “who daddy is sleeping with now” and “why is mommy suffering from diabetes”. There are not enough hours in the day for E! to entertain us with “Rehab” as done by the Kardashian’s.  

PS. Happy Friday peeps on this scorching end to the week. I hope you all will have an endless supply of ice cold drinks in your hand and remember….If you can read this, we may have made out.

Things that no longer matter in this country...Voting

Dear Supreme Court,

The definition of “democracy” as stated by Merriam-Webster is: “government by the people; especially: rule of the majority”. We will get back to this in a moment…..I’ve always thought that it was an honor every year on the 1^st Tuesday in November that as a citizen of the United States of America I was able to walk into a local church, library, community center, etc. and cast my vote for whatever local, state or federal election or proposition concerning myself or my community that’s on the ballot and know that no matter if the outcome was in my favor or against my beliefs  it was fair and the voice of the majority of the people of this nation would be heard. The great thing about the democratic society that we live in is that unlike other countries when it’s time to vote I do not have to live in fear of my opinion or worry about having my finger or hand lopped off because of who or what I’m voting for. All I knew was that the populous vote mattered. (And this didn’t sit well with me after that obama reelection). Today the Supreme Court decided that the majority of voting Californians beliefs does not matter. All of you know that I don’t care who you marry whether it be race, religion or sexual preference. I’ve stated before that if you love someone you should be able to spend the rest of your life together and know that as long as you are happy that is all that matters. People look at this decision today by you and believe that it’s a win for equality and allows everyone the opportunity for a slight tax break and the probability of lining lawyer’s pockets as now the masses can experience the life altering event that we call “divorce”. But in reality it has nothing to do with this at all. Weather it had to do with same sex marriages or how many packages of bacon you can buy at one time (trust me if that was on the docket this guy would be all over the cameras) the bottom line is that you over turned the popular vote of the people of California and no matter how you feel about the subject it goes against what the aforementioned definition of democracy stands for. It’s a slap in the face of the Constitution and the citizens of our state. It teaches our children that if something doesn’t go your way all you have to do is hire a lawyer and throw money at it. Although I am happy for the numerous people out there who need to equate love to marriage it saddens me to know you needed the government to tell you that….Rock the Vote.

PS.  Happy hump day peeps hope you are enjoying this beautiful and mild summer day. I can smell the weekend and it’s definitely an aroma of fun and remember….I only want one shot of Fireball said nobody ever.

Monday morning stroll

Everyone has a father of the year

Dear Dads,

A holiday recently passed last weekend with very little fanfare and in currently my fifth day of recovery from the life altering event known as Las Vegas I failed to make it a point to recognize the many out there who fall into the category that this celebration recognizes that have made such an impact in our lives both past and present. Yes I’m talking about the guy who took you to your first baseball game. It’s the man who showed you how to treat a lady right. The person who gave you your first beer whether it be on a ride around the ranch, a walk on the beach or just sitting under a shade tree by the porch talking about what’s been going on at school. He’s that guy who taught you right from wrong and whooped your ass when you got out of line instead of putting you into “timeout”. He’s the gentleman who showed you how to open a door for a lady and offer her a coat when she’s cold. You all know who I’m talking about and be it biological, step or just the person who was man enough to raise you here is a big shout out to the dad’s out there. We all have a story that comes from the heart when we think about our dad. They do things that may be out of their comfort zone for the simple fact that they are proud to call you a son or daughter. Being someone who’s love of sports has no boundaries and a father who thought that if you had boundless energy to focus on baseball and football that you surely should be centering that same energy on work yet he was in the corner of the stands through every game and every season from adolescents to college be it home or away to see how his boy was doing. After every game win or lose I knew I could count on a nod of approval as I walked off the field even if he didn’t know the difference between a base hit or a long fly ball for an out (trust me he is now quite the junkie for the simple fact of having 3 boys). So here’s to you pops, you have always been the man who can still let me know when you are proud of me with a simple smile yet can make the greatest impact by simply stating “I’m disappointed”  which as all of you know is the greatest motivational factor there is when uttered from a dads mouth.  Thank you for making me the person I am today.

PS. Happy Friday peeps and I hope it’s as beautiful and sunny where you are at as it is in rice country. Raise your glasses and cheers to a great weekend you all deserve it and remember….Be someone’s favorite hello and also their hardest goodbye.

Tear down this wall Mr. Gorbachev as told by Barack Obama

Dear Barack Obama,

Let’s see your administration is crumbling and at the heart of numerous scandals and wrong doings towards the people of this great nation so what do you think you should do to address these issues and right the wrongs that have been made? Hmmmmm…..Should you tell the people of this country that phone taps and surveillance done by the NSA was wrong no matter how it affected terrorism right or wrong? No that won’t work. Hmmmmm…. That you consider admitting to everyone that yourself and other members of your inner circle were behind the targeting of conservative groups by the IRS and punish everyone responsible for it? Nope that just wouldn’t be right. Hmmmmm…. Think about acting like the leader of the free world and take responsibility for your actions and step down as President of the United States? That just wouldn’t be prudent.  Wait! I know what you should do, why don’t you travel half a continent away to a country where lederhosen, strudel and Oktoberfest dominate everyday conversation (don’t get me wrong, being a card carrying member of the German heritage I love all these things) and give a speech that centers on nuclear arms reduction and global warming. I tell you this is brilliant! There is no better way to distract the world from what is going on in your own country than by first discussing a topic like nuclear weapons and a rivalry with the country formally known as the USSR that hasn’t been relevant since jelly beans were the snack of choice in the Oval Office and a certain Italian out of Philadelphia dominated the machine known as Ivan Drago in front of millions of screaming soldier’s in Moscow and then following it up with a fireside chat about “global warming” which was a term last coined by the state of Tennessee for the amount of power that Al Gore used to power his environmentally friendly 25,000 square foot house high atop the hill overlooking the common folks that he invented the world wide web for. Barry, let me throw and idea out there for you that just might work. After you’re done talking about events that are as relevant as the 8 track player how about you find a little place for you, Michelle and the kids and stay for a while. There is a reason why you are so popular in Europe and it’s not for your leadership skills or economic know how it’s because there is no other region in the world that likes a free ride and a handout more than the Spain’s, Greece’s and Italy’s of the world.  Enjoy daily bailouts and financial crisis’s that modern day socialism brings and let some true leaders get this great nation of ours back to where it needs to be.  

PS. Happy hump day peeps. Once again sorry for my tardiness on a busy day in rice country and remember……The first one through the door always gets bloody but he’s the leader that everybody follows.

Carry the umbrellas because their is rain in the forecast Vegas

Dear Las Vegas,

So in my weekly Thursday routine of stimulating the economy in the general area known as Downtown Chico paying particular attention to the businesses hit the hardest since the student population has left. With names like “Tres”, “Bellas” and “Banshee” I try my best as a hard working American to help them by supporting whatever $1 drink or $3 shot special they may offer to get them through these trying times.  As I sat their enjoying one of these pocket friendly cocktails a group of patrons sitting next to me asked me what I had planned for the weekend. Glancing over at them in a semi glazed state I replied; “Oh nothing to big, just getting ready to saddle up and head to Las Vegas in the morning!” Yes you heard me right the one person who should be banned from that paradise in the desert is back after a 10 year self imposed layoff (yes if you do the math right I was 15) and I’ve got a pocket full of cash and a lot of pent up enthusiasm to blow off since my last visit. Over priced libations and bottle service by the pool….Check. Strippers who double as cocktail waitresses working their way through dental school…Check.  Some dude dressed in a fur coat and going by the handle “Huggy Bear” trying to sell you anything from gold watches to Columbia’s finest import…Check. Yes people you are starting to get the picture of what this oasis in Southern Nevada has to offer and it is all things that my friends, family and loved ones have continued to warn me about over the weeks leading up to this trip.  Don’t fret though because this rice farmer with severe ADD and a black dog to come home to has only one goal in mind and if you are anywhere near one of the numerous fine gentleman club’s scattered throughout the greater Vegas area I know that there is triple digit heat in the forecast but I am advising you to carry an umbrella as a precaution because after I take the strip for all its worth like a modern day rain man hopped up on Redbull, vodka and an occasional fireball I’ll be up in the club making it rain down $100 bills ya’ll one after the other as if I was Kanye just realizing that the baby  that the killer whale formally known as Kim Kardashian is carry was not mine but some other talentless black rapper with a formal education.  God speed and MERICA!!!

PS. Happy Friday peeps and as you can tell I a little excited for the weekend. Have a good one and remember…..The liver is evil and must be punished.

The gourmet meal simply known as the taco truck

Dear taco trucks,

You see them all over this great state. From empty parking lots scattered throughout any city or town to curbside at various beach fronts along the coast. With names like “Crazy Taco”, “Tacos el Gallo” and “Esto no es Perro Tacos” (Loosely translated to this isn’t dog you’re eating) they cook up a goodness that not many of us natives can pass up. Yes, I am talking about you taco truck and it’s s about time someone gives you your just dues. What is it about the smell of rice, beans, tortillas, Tapitio and various meats spewing from a health hazard on wheels that instantly leaves every Californian with a full stomach and a smile on their face from the most paleo unfriendly of treats that makes the mouth salivate. Two of my favorite things in life are Mexican food and convenience (along with beer, beaches, booze, farming and blondes…well you get the picture) and to combine these two things into a Guadalajara on wheels is genius on par with the invention on the light bulb and the mobile stripper pole and makes me happier than Kate Upton’s bikini. It doesn’t matter what shape the truck is in or who is loitering in front of it. Red tag from the state?....We still eat there. Shady part of town?.....We still stop. People looking like they just threw back some tap water from Tijuana?....we still ask for extra ice. The whole concept of the mobile taco stand is brilliant. You’re telling me I can get some meat, cheese, salsa and enough cilantro to keep every farmer in Salinas in business for the foreseeable future and put it all on a double tortilla and charge $1 a piece for them? I say give me a plate of 7 with some lime and radishes on the side along with an ice cold Pacifico to wash it down.  So as you are cruising home today thinking about your dinner options and are low on cash find yourself the nearest empty strip mall or parking lot and a feast that only a taco truck can provide awaits you.

PS. Happy hump day peeps and once again sorry so late today the farming gig that finances my adventures took precedence this morning.  Get outside and enjoy yourself some fun and sunshine and remember…..If Timmy has 10 pieces of bacon and eats 9 pieces what does Timmy have?...Pure happiness is what Timmy has.

Afghanistan vs.The California Central Valley...where to buy my next vacation home

Dear California Central Valley,

As I head south towards that paradise known as “Fres-yes” to a place some call heaven where the beer flows like wine and beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano….I’m talking about a little place called Bass Lake (Thank you Dumb and Dumber for always giving me material) for a weekend of debauchery with some of the best fraternity brothers that dues can buy I found myself cruising down HWY 99 caught up in my experiment of how many times the numerous bubble gum country stations poison society with Hootie’s voice I found myself suddenly slamming on my brakes due to the fact that the minivan in front of me thought that it would be a wise decision to cruise in the fast lane at the radar topping speed of 35mph while at the same time keeping pace with the big rig next to it with not another car in sight and obviously ignoring the fact that the lane for traffic that travels at this speed is situated on the right possibly because the traffic signs states “slower traffic stay to the right” is not written in a language other than English. In my road rage anger of having to travel at a speed not made for a race track (Those of you who have traveled with me know what I’m talking about) it was at this moment when a came to the realization of where I had ventured and was now deep into its heart….The California Central Valley. I’ve always said that if you were not born and raised in the California Central Valley and by chance end up there be it for work purposes, a loved one or you lost a cruel bet it must be like being shipped to an exotic location such as Iraq or Afghanistan. The stretch of road from Stockton to Fresno (I don’t have enough space to write about you Bakersfield) is probably the ugliest thing I’ve seen since the local strip club had a “Girls of Oroville” night to generate some new clientele. As I drove by village after the village with names such as Modesto, Merced, Chowchilla and Madera with nothing but dirt, a lack of water, graffiti and fast food to offer I again realized how well we have it in that little place we call “God’s Country” in Northern California along with our friends on the Central Coast and our counterparts to the South who get the pleasure of enjoying the beach, amazing weather and our water 12 months out of the year compared to you Central Valley. Now I know I’m going to get some hate mail out of this but if I tried to please everyone in this column I would be called a Democrat. So cheer up, and know that if you have not got out of the valley yet there is always that glimmer of hope that you can end up somewhere else in this great state that so many of us call home.

PS. It’s finally Friday peeps make it count and I hope in this triple digit weather you are able to enjoy it next to a body of water with a cold beer in your hand like myself and remember…..I’ll have one more bartender, before the next one.

The black lab and tennis balls....a love affair

Dear Labs,

Who is always there for you after a long day at work or a night on the town…..Your lab. Who is always happy to see you no matter how bad a day he had in the backyard dreaming of ducks and leftover bacon (You know it’s a dream because there is no such thing as leftover bacon)….Your lab. Who can you beat like it owes you money for numerous offenses such as the chewing of expensive property and digging out the new flowers yet 5 minutes later is wagging his tail at you with that legal crack known as the tennis ball in his mouth…Your lab. Who makes that new special someone in your life smile as they play with him on the carpet even though he is usually as welcome in the house as a man card is in the Bieb’s pocket…..Your lab. Dogs and especially labs are so ingrained into our lives that when we hear on the news that someone lost their life in an accident or at the hands of another human we don’t blink an eye but when Michel Vick decides to have his own personal version of gladiator minus Russell Crowe and the rapper formally known as Joaquin Phoenix the public is calling for his head. Labs bring much joy in our lives and over time they become a part of your family and people who don’t believe this are as soulless as a ginger tanning in Cabo in July. In fact labs make you do so many things out of the ordinary in your daily routine the next thing you know is you have a Facebook site and an Instagram feed full of nothing but pics of a black dog named after a man with an affinity for pudding pops and ugly sweaters relaxing in the back of the truck, running through the rice or swimming in a ditch chasing anything and everything that he can retrieve. It has come to the point that I take so many pictures of this dog that Asians on a first time trip to Disneyland would ask me to back away from the camera. I know there are many of you out there that could fill this column with story after story of something your lab did that the rest of the world would think was hilarious but actually is as funny to the rest of us as the slot machine known as the ATM flashing “insufficient funds” at you on a Friday night.  But that’s what labs do, they are our 4-legged children that we are proud of no matter what color they are whether it be yellow, brown or my personal favorite black. I just want to take the time to thank you Cosby for making my life much more interesting and for continuing to bring a smile to my face buddy.

PS. Sorry so late today peeps, life got in the way. Happy hump day on this start to a scorching hot stretch of the week so keep a cold drink your hand to cope and remember…..Whatever it takes. Don’t settle for anything else.