Friday, March 14, 2014

Roundhouse...Chuck Norris's B-day celebration

Dear Chuck Norris,

In all the haste of reporting about disappearing aircraft, Russia’s buildup of troops along the Ukrainian border and the constant state of drought gripping California, main stream media failed to report on the news that really matters….Chuck Norris’s birthday. Yes, allegedly 74 years ago this week the man that has no known natural enemies was born to mere mortals in the village of Ryan, Oklahoma. First arriving in the world and christened with the name Carlos, he knew he was destined for greatness at a young age. The boy lived a simple life until the age of two when he decided over beers with his parents that it was his fate to become the hero that until then was only seen in movies and comic books. Upon graduating valedictorian of his high school at the tender age of five he chose to pass on the athletic and academic scholarship he received from Harvard in order to serve his country as a policeman in the United States Air Force. This is where the phrase “Merica” was first coined. Based in South Korea this is where he honed his fighting skills and perfected the famed “Roundhouse” kick of legend. During this time in his life is when he was deemed “Chuck” by his sensei’s which means “I will kill you if you cross me” in their ancient dialect. Once discharged from the Air Force due to the string of lives he had taking in hand to hand combat training and not being able to reveal his true identity to the world he found himself in Hollywood, CA training numerous A-list celebrities such as the Osmond twins and Bob Barker (You now know why he whooped Happy Gilmore’s ass) as a way to blend in with the mortals of our world. It was around the age of 18 when he found his true calling in movies and television. He could use all of his powers and if people questioned it, the answer was always; “It’s special effects”. Oscar inspired performances in classics such as: Delta Force, Delta Force II and Delta Force III only solidified his place among the greats in the entertainment industry. The next phase in his life is still referred to as “The age of Enlightenment” and this is where he let the rest of us know on how we should all live. His motivational speeches are stuff of legend as is his creed on life. This declaration which rivals the US Constitution is developed around 10 simple principles on how we should live our life and goes by the name Chun Kuk Do: Which translates to:” Do this or I will wipe all living creatures off the face of the planet”  For the first time they have been translated and here they are…

1.       I will develop myself to my maximum potential every day.
2.       God and Family are king.
3.       Don’t mess with Texas.
4.       If you’re a liberal you will suffer from a roundhouse kick.
5.       Buy the Total Gym fitness system.
6.       Merica.
7.       Merica. (this is #8-#10 also)

The myth that is Chuck Norris I’ve been told currently resides in the community of Lake Almanor and although I frequent the area often I have yet to see the legend. If you are really out there know that I along with the rest of the 9 billion people who call earth home thank you for offering your protection and making our world a better place….Happy Birthday Walker. Wink, wink.

PS. Happy Friday peeps and I hope you find yourself in the sun with a cocktail in hand this weekend and remember….If you think she’s the marrying type, keep looking.

#Chucknorris #roundhouse #walkertexasranger #empireliving

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